12.09.2008

I can't live afraid...



I can't live afraid:

that he'll not take his pills.
that he'll become unstable and scream at me becoming belligerent or even worse.
that he’s going to kill himself.
that he’s going to steal from me.
that I’ll have to support him forever.
that he’ll become manic in public and embarrass me/friends/family.
that he's sneaking pain killers or has started drinking again.


I shouldn't feel guilty for:
wanting to live in peace.
wanting to live free from dysfunction.
wanting a partner to actually care about me and being my friend...or lover...or provider....hell, I don't care, just pick ONE.
wanting to live free from mental abuse.
wanting my children to have a healthy, normal life.
wanting to NOT be an almost-forty-year-old man's mother/parole officer.
wanting to be taken care of for once.
admitting out loud that none of this is what I signed up for or is what I was made to believe I was going to get and wanting out of it.
saying that we are terminally incompatible and I have given you more chances than any man is ever going to get from me.
acknowledging that I have withered and died right in front of your very eyes in the past three years and I don't like feeling dead.
saying, I wish you well. I wish you peace. I will help you with whatever you need; but I am not doing this even one more day with you.



4 comments:

Gail said...

Good for you! No one can continue in that kind of turmoil and keep themselves.
One should never have to tiptoe in their own house.
Good luck, my thoughts are with you!

carissa... brown eyed fox said...

veronica!

be strong... stand on your faith... YOU are a child of GOD and deserve THE BEST!

i am so sorry ... what you have faced...
if it's okay i will keep you in my prayers!
xo

Allison said...

I can't say it enough...you made the right choice. Love you friend!

Adwen, the Green Fairy said...

I love you

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