12.11.2008

Better today

Today started off shaky and I wasn't so sure that things were going to go so well, but luckily God is the master of turning bad things into better things. It started with Scott calling bright and early (as usual) to tell me that he was going to have to go apply for welfare today and that he was going to have to walk at least a mile away to do so. What impressed me was that he never asked me to come and take him, he was just willing to do it.

Being who I am, even though I didn't offer to come and get him, I felt bad that he had to walk through the freezing cold with no gloves or hat, so I figured I would find them and offer to take them to him. When I opened the closet, I was shocked to see his coat hanging there! Courtney had told me he had his coat when they took him to the hospital but it was here, so what was he wearing?? His fall jacket and nothing else. Okay, here we go! Cue my conscience! lol I grab his coat, gloves, hat and scarf and drive downtown to find the welfare office where he is standing out front waiting for me. I offer to drive him back to the shelter and on the way I pull over on the side of the road and we have some very heated and very emotional exchanges; or I should say I did. For the first time, he sat and listened, cried and listened some more.

I think that he was shocked that I was able to hang tough and see where he was and the situation and not change my mind and wisk him out of there as I am so prone to do. I'm known by some people in my life as the rescuer or miss dependable and to leave someone stranded isn't my style, but alas...I'm not budging and it's starting to sink in. What surprised me so much was that by some of the things he said, he was getting it! That's unheard of! I don't he's ever been dealt with like this before. Well, I know he hasn't and later he called to say, "thank you for talking to me today. No one's ever done that before--usually they just leave me for dead." I responded to him that even if he never gets to come home again, that doesn't mean I hate him. I love him very much and I want him to get a life. I want him to finally be motivated to get off of his butt and do something with himself; stop rolling over for dead and taking a permanent hiatus from this life he's been giving and do something!

It's hard to explain, but things just seemed so much lighter; even the air around us seemed to change. There's peace now where before there was only fear and guilt. I can't name it yet, but there's change happening. He's never been this rock bottom before and he's certainly never been anywhere near this low completely sober. Now he has to feel it, figure it out and deal with it. At the end of our meeting, he took out a flyer with a number for free family counseling on it. He asked if I'd be willing to go with him. I was still pretty frustrated, but I agreed to it. He meekly sat the phone number down on the dashboard and started to get out of the car when I grabbed his sleeve and held him back. "Uh uh! No, get back here!" He turned around and looked at me confused as I handed him back the paper. "No, I am NOT fixing this for you! I have always made every appointment, arranged to talk to the pastor, bought every book, blah blah blah because you don't. If you want to be the leader of this home then LEAD IT." I shook his head quietly and took the paper back. We'll see what he does with it. At least for the first time in nearly a week, I have no guilt tonight.


2 comments:

Gail said...

The reason you feel lighter is you unloaded. You told how you feel. You thought about yourself for once and not helping fix someone else.
You are growing the wings of freedom...not to fly away but to build your own nest.
He is listening and that is the first step.

Allison said...

So thankful to see some progress....and so glad you are finding some peace in the midst of it all.

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