12.10.2008

Guilt: night 1

It's nearly 2am and I'm still awake. I purposed myself to go to bed early and yet I just lay there wondering what he's going through. I'm laying in my comfortable bedroom, under my quilt. He's in a huge dorm-style homeless shelter. I know the trouble he has sleeping, the way he snores and the way he tosses and turns from back pain; I wonder if those sleeping near him are patient with him or if they're giving him grief about the disturbance. I hope he's not afraid or even too depressed.
At this very moment in time, every part inside of me hurts for him and I feel so guilty. I don't know how to help him though, short of letting him come home--and I know that's not the answer. I'm sure I'll be stronger tomorrow when he does the next infuriating thing. All I can do is keep praying for him. God is the only one capable of fixing this and frankly, I'm sure he'd like me and my pain out of his way while he does it. Isn't it funny how the night can make you soft and vulnerable in a way that daylight never will?

2 comments:

Gail said...

First night of your new beginning! Do not weaken, you know the right answers, just listen to them.

Allison said...

Aren't you so glad that God allows us to feel what we feel and He doesn't chastise us for our hurt, confusion, frustration, doscouragement......or lack of trust?? I am so thankful for God's patience with me...and for the confidence that we can have that He is totally in control of everything that happens in our lives. Praying that He gives you strength and grace to hold on and keep trusting Him. Love you, V!

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