5.09.2006

Whom shall I fear? I am yours.

I got some bad news this morning. I was told by employee health that because of my being on the "weekend only" program most of last year I am unable to renew my FMLA this month. You need a certain amount of hours worked in the last year and I'm about 200 or so short. I tried to be a brave little soldier but I sat there listening with my lip quivering and my eyes welling up with tears as she broke the bad news to me. I only used probaby 2 or 3 fmla days all of last year because I just wouldn't call off but it has become invaluable to me the last several months since I got so sick. I tried so hard to hide what I was feeling...but I suck at that so bad! And it only made things worse when she started to tear up too and said, "oh I know...i'm so sorry", and handed me a tissue. As I sat there, my initial gut reaction was "what am I going to do?"...with a silent spirit-cry out to God. Then as I left the office I got my first of several messages from him.

Walking out of the office I was keenly aware of someone's eyes on me. I wasn't sure who it was because I kept my head down trying to fight off tears. I just wanted to get out of there and cry in private. Then I heard, "Don't you go to Open Door Church?" And I looked up to see the face of a dear lady from my bible study. I put on the happy face and smiled and said "HI!!" as if nothing was wrong. She grabbed me and gave me a huge hug telling me how good it was to see my face and how good I looked. I've been hearing that alot lately by the way. Even though I still have some rough days, overall I look FABULOUS compared to where I was a few months ago! She made me smile and gave me a little boost but I was still in a hurry to get out of there.

As I got into the car I turned on my Casting Crowns cd. I love them. The first song that I listened to was "Voice of Truth." It talks about having faith. It talks about listening to all of the wrong voices that are surrounding you instead of the one voice that is most important. As I was listening to this I could start to hear that still small voice speaking to my heart. It was reminding me that I don't have to worry....frankly I'm not mine to worry about....I am not mine, I am his...and if I am his then whom shall I fear? I was reminded that I always have been and always will be taken care of because I belong to a God of love, power, grace and mercy....and healing. And on top of all of that, he is a God of perfect timing.

The chorus of that song started speaking to me through every line. Through all of the voices surrounding me...."you're too sick to not have fmla", "what are you going to do?", "you're going to get fired", "you're going to get sicker"....the voice of truth told me a different story.

The voice of truth said "do not be afraid". Trust me, I love you and I will take care of you. I have gotten you through so much worse than this and I did not bring you this far to drop you. I will carry you. I am the provider of your needs, no matter how much you like to think it's all you. Blind faith has always been one of your strongest points, don't give up on me now.

And the voice of truth says "this is for my glory." By bringing you through this I will show everyone watching you my faithfulness and my mercy. And you keep asking me to help you with your finances....now you will work more and have the money to get your finances in order so that you can have a good financial testimony. One of responsibility and accountability...and freedom. And remember the humility that you gain by knowing that this is in my hands and the gratefulness that you will have for your health will also bring glory and honor to me. Trust me. I love you.

So I shared a couple of moments with the Lord and although still a little tearful (maybe it was a warrior shaking in her armor), I was filled with a new resiliance and I counted my blessings. I thought...you're right. I have faced much bigger giants than this in my life! I will just do it. So what if I'm afraid??? The Lord does not give a spirit of fear! I'll just do it afraid. And I should really look at this as a positive sign, because if God has chosen to let me lose my FMLA then my health must really be on the upswing for now. I don't think he would allow me to be as sick as I was and not have it...and lose my job. As a matter of fact, just look at the fact that he chose to let this happen now. Now, versus a month or two ago when I was so horribly sick. Now, when everyone is saying how great I look. Now, when I really am feeling alot better. Perfect timing. I think I've been so afraid of spinning into a bad flare again that I've been afraid of pushing myself too hard. Note the word AFRAID appearing over and over again. I've moved out of my place of trust for him and am trying to handle this myself...and he's just doing what any loving father should do. He's pulling me back in. He's allowing a little bit of discomfort so that I can learn a valuable lesson. All I know is that I trust him. Implicitly. I love him. He is my Abba Father. I know I will be okay. I just know that I know that I know.

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