5.24.2006

Revisited, vol ii

There are only about nine weeks left until the one year anniversary of this blog. :) I'm almost a toddler! lol So I figured that at least once a week for the next nine weeks I'm going to repost a blog from the past year that was significant to me...starting with the oldest and working my way to today. It's amazing to me to look back and read these and seeing just how far God has brought me in the last year. A year ago I was still in a horrible depression among many other things. It's nice to see the progress of walking through the valley...and coming out on the other side. :)

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Originally posted: 10-30-05 8:04 a.m. Beauty for ashes....

Today I'm writing about things that only those closest to me (and only some of those people) know about. I'm not ready or willing to share all of the details just yet. Those are mine... for now anyways. As anyone who knows me can tell you... I'm pretty much an open book. There isn't much that I won't put out there for the world to see... and judge. Self-exploration, clearing my head, and getting rid of the "junk" is much more important to me than the holier-than-thou remarks and down-the-nose glares I might get from people. You know what people? I'm human! Just like you. And you. And you. I've committed sins that make me want to hang my head in shame. And you've committed yours. Let me tell you... there's gonna be no floating into heaven gracefully for me.... I'm going to be tripping in! Skinned knees from crawling through the battlefield. Out of breath, dirty tear-stained face, falling in the gates. So let me just say that my not wanting to share all of the details yet is merely because I need to process them a bit, and my rambling here is my way of doing that. You know, the fact that I even felt compelled to explain that kind of pisses me off a little. Oh well.

How could I have been so disposable to him? Echoes of Luther Vandross singing "Don't you remember you told me you loved me baby?" go wafting through my head. He picked me, lured me in, convinced me to trust him, made me fall in love with him. He is my walking reason for wellbutrin. How could he have lied like that? I'd rather die than hurt someone like that. At least that's what I usually say. And I usually really mean it. But this time I did hurt someone like that. I hurt him back. In the process I hurt her. Now that I knew there still was a "her". How could there still be a "her"???? unfuckingbelievable. YES I CUSSED... this is my place for honesty and emptying my brain... deal with it! So I got him back. She knows everything. I was hurtful... and I'm never hurtful. I was selfish... and I'm not a selfish person. I lied.... and I'm not a liar. I pride myself on my honesty and the fact that I would never hurt someone I love. But that's just it isn't it? I PRIDE myself.... It's usually where you hold yourself in high esteem that you get tested the hardest... and usually fail the test. Yet again I was put in a position I just knew I'd never be in because I would never do "that" (whatever "that" was at that particular time.... there's been alot of "that's" trust me)!!! The older I become the firmer I believe that given the right set of circumstances there is nothing that any person on this earth wouldn't do. From the moment that my ten year old lay on the exam table in the e.r. after I found out she had been raped for two years by her step-dad... a man that I chose to let into their lives....and they drew pregnancy tests on her and my very first thought before it passed through my "filters" was... if it's positive should I get her an abortion? She's ten for God's sake!!! I was always a walking poster-child for "prolife" and I still am prolife. At least I know I want to be when it comes down to it. I want to think that's what I would choose. I want to think that ugly thoughts would never enter my mind. But I'm not that naive... or pious anymore. I can't say that I didn't think it. I can't say that I haven't done alot of things now. Wish I could. I can't. So now I'm left to deal with that reality. What do you do when you let yourself down so bad that you have to sit and examine every single thing that you thought that you knew about yourself? Most of the things that I knew that I knew that I knew.... what now? Right now I am pretty broken. I'm getting better. I am. God is faithful to heal. He loves me. I do still know that...that's the only thing that I've never doubted. As a matter of fact I know that he is crazy about me. I have never been, am not now, and will never be disposable to him. And he is faithful to heal. The healing isn't for me to do... I'm not able... especially right now. I made the mess... he's going to clean it up... how unfair is that???.... but how grateful am I? It can't even register in my brain. I had been so hurt that I struck back.... anyone that knows me KNOWS that really isn't me!!! I'm a live and let live kind of girl...I'd much rather give people the benefit of the doubt than strike back... usually to a fault. But I did. And that's what I feel so bad about. I'm downright punishing myself even though I know I shouldn't and I don't need to and all the things that I keep telling myself. I struck back and hurt someone! Wow, that's a jagged pill to swallow. Most people won't get it, I know. Most people say... GOOD! You should've done what you did. But no I shouldn't have. I'd much rather risk being looked at as naive or "weak" for walking away than being untrue myself and God and feeling the way I do right now. If he did wrong to me.... that speaks to his character, not mine. But now it speaks to both of our characters. I know I've gotta forgive myself... God's already forgiven me... why can't I forgive myself? I can't live under condemnation. I have to get to the forgiving myself point eventually... but for right now I'm sitting here in my big pile of ashes waiting for Him to exchange them for beauty.

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