5.03.2006

Girl, you'll be a woman soon

With the whole re-emergence of my first love Scott in the last week I've been doing alot of reflecting on my life. Not necessarily the events that have happened to me, but the much more personal journey of me, myself and I. I've been taking a look at the young girl that I was and her long journey to become a woman...by the way, when did I become a woman??? I still feel like I'm 16 and sometimes my life seems so surreal to me. How do I have teenagers? I own a home? I'm considered the old one at a club??? lol When did that happen??? But I digress.

I've been thinking somewhat about the situations I found myself in throughout the last 20 years, but instead of thinking about what happened to me, I've been wondering about my role in what happened. What was my part in all of it? What could I have done differently to avoid some heartache or to miss falling in a pit? If I could go back in time as me today and have some girls time with the younger me...what would I say? What advice would I give myself? Wow, that made me cry just thinking about it! I have a feeling that it would be a very emotional thing for me because over the last several years something has happened...I learned how to love myself. You know the old saying "you never know what you've had until it's gone"? Well, that applies here too. I didn't know to love and appreciate that young, beautiful girl...until she was gone. I love the woman that I am now...but oh how I wish I could go back sometimes. Even for just a little while. Because that's all she was ever after you know...love. Affection. It was the driving force behind every poor decision that was made. That and fear. So if I could go back...what would I say to her? If I could sit her down and say, "There are some things you should know..."

First of all I would just want to soak her in for a minute. I think I would be struck speechless to see her face. Her pink, rosey, youthful skin. The sparkle in her eyes that hadn't been squelched yet. Her pretty teeth that the braces just came off of. I would tell her how pretty she was. And when she got embarrassed I would teach her one of the most important things I have learned over the years.....BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER UNTIL YOU CONVINCE THEM OTHERWISE. When someone pays you a compliment, don't argue with them or act as if you're undeserving...simply smile graciously and say "thank you." And I would tell her that her body is beautiful...not to be ashamed of it...to appreciate it, love it and protect it. That it's a precious and priceless thing and to make sure that anyone who got to touch it was deserving of that privilege. As a young girl I was so starved for love that I was willing to hand myslef over to anyone who acted like they loved me and showed me some attention...which explains why I got married at 17.

I would teach her about alarm bells and intuition. Trust your gut...it's a very powerful thing. Even until this day men try to get me to ignore my intuition! Just a month ago when I confronted Tim about his extracurricular activities he tried to convince me I was wrong. Tried to convince me there was nothing there with this other woman. I told him that my intuition is usually right on point and so it didn't really matter what words he said to me...I knew there was something going on. He responded to me, "Well you're wrong and your intuition has you believing all kinds of things that aren't true." I simply said....TIME WILL TELL. And it has. He's still with her and there's a great picture of them on her page together. Yep....trust your gut girl. It's one of your gifts. You may not be a great athlete and you may not be very graceful (actually, you're a big clutz...learn to laugh at it!)...those aren't your gifts. But you do have very strong intuition. You are also funny, witty, charming, smart and good in a crisis. You're a great idea and concept person. You're not always the best at carrying out the plans...that's what you need to hire people for...but the creative and management parts? You're fabulous at that. You're horrible with money so be very careful with your spending. And start saving now....you'll wish you had. I would let her know that she's doing the right thing with the regular flossing but that she needs to start moisturizing religiously. I'd also let her know that she is beautiful whether she is all glammed up or if she has bedhead and no makeup. I'd tell her that the 80's aren't going to last forever and that perms are baaaad! They fry your hair! lol

More important than all the physical stuff though, I'd teach her to be true to herself. Don't compromise and settle just because you're afraid....or hungry. Hungry for love. Afraid of....well, just about everything. I was afraid of my own shadow if truth be told and because of this I wanted someone to protect me and take care of me....which is what led to my second marriage.

I'd tell her to believe someone the first time when they show you who they are. If he is willing in any way whatsoever to treat you less than, then he is totally undeserving of you. You will be okay. You won't starve. You will be safe. Your children will actually be better off if you don't compromise and accept unacceptable behavior from a man. See the best in everyone, but don't let that be all that you see. BE DISCERNING...and don't cast your pearls before swine. I'd tell her that attention from a married man is not attention worth having...no matter how it makes you feel.

I tell her to be forgiving of her father. I'd tell her that it was the right decision to stay away from him for a while, but to not let him affect her decisions with other men. I'd remind her that grandparents die...love them, appreciate them. I'd tell her how important it is to love her babies when they are little. They are tiny for so short a time...soak them up like a sponge.

Above all I would tell her that her rose colored glasses are a beautiful thing...as long as they don't get in the way of reality. Don't be so hungry to see things the way you want to see them that you fail to see them the way they really are. I would tell her that nice really does matter. I would tell her that her brother is an idiot...watch out for him. Always do right for rights sake. Don't wear too much makeup. And I would tell her this...fear less, hope more. Whine less, breathe more. Talk less, say more. Hate less, love more. Happiness is a choice that requires effort at times. That even on your worst days God is good And most importantly, when given the opportunity.....

dance.

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