5.15.2006

Salt of the earth

I came across a blog this morning that made me cry. It was from a grown daughter to her mother and about all of the battles they had during her journey to womanhood. Then she went on to give a small but touching tribute to her mother and about how she "gets it." How at an early age her mother was left to feed four hungry mouths, etc. etc. Of course I was crying by the end of this, but what got me even more was that her mother commented on her blog. That's where the ugly cry came out. This is what she said:

"YOU are the only one who gets me. No one else. What it's all about and what it is. You. I don't even have to explain anything to you because you are already there. I can't even explain how much you mean to me and how proud I am of the person you have become. I do so regret the things we went through while you were growing up, I try not to think of it much because it makes my heart ache so bad I can hardly stand it so I put it out of my head, or try to anyway. If anything at all came out of all that, it made you a more independent, strong woman (weird that you are a woman, and not a girl) but that's not even anything I can remotely take credit for. You are amazing and I love you dearly and my heart aches a little whenever I think of you. I want to never remember the heartache of the past but it is what it is. That was then, this is today and look at you now."

Mothers are the salt of the earth whether they realize it or not. We create, we shape, we love. I believe that in the heart of every woman beats the heart of a mother. That is just our divine design, which therefore means....women are the salt of the earth. And we all know that my path with Darren is an entirely different blog, but my girls....wow. I am raising the salt of the earth. I am raising three women. My little women. I love my girls with a depth that I can't even express with words...whenever I think about it my emotions swell so much bigger than me and nearly consume me. My girls....they are my heart. They are definitely mama's girls...and I am my girls' mama.

I can totally sympathize with the mother and daughter blog I read earlier because even though I love my girls so deeply, there's almost no one else on the face of the earth that I can battle with as hard as Courtney. We are so similar. Both old souls, head-strong, opinionated, smart, full of personality and we both have alot to say. This can lead to so many problems because one of my major downfalls is that I tend to rule with an iron fist. NO disrespect, backtalking, rolling of the eyes, etc. It sets me off like a firecracker. And so, as you can guess....Courtney and I go at it. That poor girl! lol I know I need to chill out a little...believe me I'm working on it. She gets herself grounded so much I don't know if she knows what it's like to be free. LOL She lost her bedroom door for 2 weeks this time. Yeah, you heard me. She kept slamming it when she got mad so now she's not allowed to use it for 2 weeks. She thought she was going to die. "But people will LOOK at me!!! I CAN'T be without my door!!!" LOL Cracked me up (on the inside of course). I would just stand in the hallway, leaning against the wall with a smile on my face staring at her. Blowing her kisses. Commenting on everything she did. Oh I'm dying laughing over here! lol She would get so frustrated and yell "MOM! STOP IT!!! UGGG!"

That's the beautiful thing about us though that makes me know deep down that we're going to be okay. There IS deep love there. We laugh together....she's one of the funniest kids I know...all of my kids are really, but Courtney's got the special touch. And I think that as tough as it must be to be a teenger with me for a mom, underneath it all she gets it. She had Randy stop at the store the other day to buy me a mothers day gift (since he had no plans of taking them to do that). She went in and picked it out herself and looked through the cards until she found one just for me. Part of me says that she's a kid...she probably just picked out any old thing. But knowing her, I don't think so. I think she looked until she found the one she thought was right. The card got me.....and it showed that she gets it too. It said:

A SPECIAL MOTHER MUST FIRST BE A SPECIAL WOMAN.
YOU HAVE ALL THE QUALITIES THAT MAKE YOU A TRULY REMARKABLE WOMAN...
AND YOU'RE WISHED A MOTHER'S DAY THAT MAKES YOU VERY HAPPY.


Oh Lord! Do you want to take wagers on how much I cried after reading that one???? lol She doesn't know it but I plan to keep that card forever. It was more than just the sweet little "you're the best!" cards (which are awesome too, don't get me wrong!). This was a card from my little woman that, to me, showed that she sees that moms are more than robots or stepford wives. They are souls. People. Human. Way too human sometimes. Moms have bad days, and aren't morning people and can be unfair sometimes. But that moms are also the ones who will love you like no other. We're young and sometimes lonely. We want to be beautiful. We want to be loved. And we want to be the best mothers ever....and we beat ourselves up when we feel that we haven't been.

She had once said to me that she didn't plan on ever having kids because she saw how hard it was. That broke my heart into a million pieces...the possibility that I could've damaged my daughter in that way. All I can hope is that I grow, learn and heal with her. My mom did. Courtney and I remind me of my mom and I so much (except I'm WAY cooler....HELLO! lol) and my mom is way better and healthier than she was then. I sure hope that's the way it's going to happen here. I told them recently that "I've decided to forgive myself for all of the ways I've screwed up as a mom so far. We can either heal from it and grow together, or you'd better get a good job when you grow up so that you can hash it out in therapy!" lol Little do they know that forgiving yourself as a mother isn't quite that easy.

The other day I was sitting with Courtney on a bench at the pharmacy waiting to pick up her prescription and in a quiet moment she said, "Can you imagine that in maybe 10 years we could be sitting here with my babies too? That's not a very long time is it?" She's healing! She's thinking about family and having babies eventually! Praise God. I just said the typical mom response..."that will be so nice sweetie...I can't wait. *LONG PAUSE* Of course that will be after you go to college and do some traveling and have good credit and a nest egg built up so that you don't have to settle or sacrifice too much right?" She just smiled and said "yes mom."

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