1.30.2010

New

This moment right here is what I want to last.

This moment when everything is so fresh and new...
when I don't care what he's thinking
or if he's telling me the truth
or what his password is
or how he spends his money
or if he'll call me
or if I'll get to spend time with him today.

When he still has absolutely no hold on me.

It's so tempting to keep it in this place,
to lift the walls up and not let him in.
Because THIS place is such a good, pleasant,
UN-painful place to be.
No expectations, not too much of myself on the line.
Pleasant.

But is life really worth it if we only live to be pleasant?

xoxo
♥ veronica

Friday five

 

  1.  My car broke down yesterday.  Yep, my new one.  We were turning into a parking spot and it started making some horrible groaning noise and then all the power steering went kaput.  We managed to get home, but just barely.  By the time we pulled in the parking lot it took two of us to turn the wheel to get it off the street.  Don't judge me!  I know it could've hurt the car, wasn't safe, blah blah blah.  Only my mom is allowed to say those things to me and she already did, so save it. ;)  Anyways, I wasn't too worried about it for some reason; I had this overwhelming peace that things would be okay...and they were.  I woke up this morning, called the car lot, had it towed to them and within two hours it was done and ready to be picked up.  They said something had blown inside the unit causing all the fluid to leak out.  They fixed the part, filled her up and now it's good to go.  It's slightly more noisy when you turn the wheel now than it used to be...not a high-pitched, power-steering kind of sound, but a lower groany type of sound, but it works fine, so I'm good with it.
  2. The guy Courtney wanted to hook me up with?  Very cute and seems cool.  We chatted for several hours last night.  Not sure how many sparks are flying at this point, but we'll see what happens.
  3. In a "Dirty Shanks" frame of mind lately.  Don't know what that is?  It's one of my favorite line of greeting cards found HERE and are perfect for when you just can't find a card that says what you're really thinking.  I've already picked out several for the men in my life.  Really, they sum things up better than any drunk dialing you could ever do, and since I can be known to be quite the drunk dialer (in related news:  I got my ambien prescription refilled lol), I'll just let these do the dirty work for me.
  4. Today I sent Randy a text that said, "I was thinking... since it's coming up on our twenty year wedding anniversary, I think we should do it up right and you should get me something REALLY nice."  He responded with, "You were huh?  Like what did you have in mind?....the Punky Brewster Millennium Edition'?"  [because I looked like Punky Brewster when I was little and was called that in school...very funny haha]  To which I said jokingly, "I was thinking HIGH CLASS...like something from the Target instead of from the Walmart this year. ;)....."  Although we've been divorced for much longer than we were married, we're still family.  And although I would like to strangle him at least as often as I would like to hug him, we are still family.  Courtney is 18 and Darren is getting ready to turn 17.  We did it.  (Well, mostly I did it....I'm just sayin').  We raised these children and are churning out some decent people.  So I asked him what he thought of maybe taking a family vacation with all of us.  Since they are all growing up, it may be our last chance to do so, and 20 years is a milestone and we should celebrate making two such awesome kids together.  And really, when there aren't intimate matters such as bills and fidelity on the table, we get along great...so why not?  He agreed and hopefully he and  Darren can join us for something fun in the next few months.  I think it will be nice.
  5.  Last but definitely most important..... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I know I've asked before, but if you can, PLEASE keep praying for Jessica.  Our poor girl is still in the intensive care unit (or should I say is there yet AGAIN) for massive infections and pain related to her shunt.  The had to do surgery and take the one they just recently replaced out due to infection and place a temporary one while she's on massive doses of antibiotics.  Well, the pain didn't subside and they couldn't figure out why, so they started doing ultrasounds of her abdomen and found several large abscesses inside on her kidney and behind her liver/near her heart.  They stuck a needle in and drained what they could, but they had to pull the lower half of her shunt out and leave it externalized for now (which opens up HUGE risk of infection to her brain).  She also has a bad staph infection on the incision site now and has also developed bad scar tissue inside of her belly which is causing pain.  Once they get the infections under control and keep her from going septic or anything worse, they will finally try to replace her shunt again.  The issue now is that they have tried to replace it in her belly so many times that they fear the only option now is to try to place it into her heart instead. :(  This is definitely not the option we were hoping for.
         Today on facebook, Maribel wrote,
"Mike stayed at hospital with Jess last night while I worked and when I saw him this morning,I felt so sorry for my hubby, he looked pitiful. Who ever said men were stronger? Apparently one who dont have children!"
 She sent me some texts a little while ago stating that the headaches are at a 10+ today and they even tried putting some major caffeine in Jess' IV to see if that would help anything but it hasn't really done much.  She said she is officially drained and at her wits end.  She's helpless and watching her daughter suffer through so much.  I can't even fathom what that's like.  My heart is aching for my friend and I am so worried about Jessica.  Please pray for her health and all of their mental health and well-being. 




xoxo
♥ veronica

Clipart of the day

Random #100

xoxo
♥ veronica

1.29.2010

Clipart of the day


Random #173

xoxo
♥ veronica

Clipart of the day


Random #38
xoxo
♥ veronica

They got me!


Today felt like groundhog day.  You know how yesterday I said we went to the mall and hit Hot Topic, Torrid, Forever 21,etc.  Well... I guess that was just a warm up because we did it all over again today.  You can see pictures here if you wish.

Actually, today was allowance day, so everything that they saw & wanted yesterday, they got to go back and get today.  Plus, Courtney had picked up several job applications yesterday and went to turn them in today.  You should have seen the look on the people's faces when she asked for an app from Hot Topic. HA!  So funny.  She doesn't exactly fit in at that store. ;)

To sum it up, Maddie spent the bulk of her allowance at PacSun.  She got a belt and 2 new shirts.  Then we headed to Forever 21.  Surprisingly, Courtney didn't buy ANYTHING while we were there! (!!!)  I, however, bought a few necklaces and a scar...each thing was only $5.00 might I add.  Love it!  There's not much I hate worse than paying full-price for something trendy.  Actually, I won't pay much for anything trendy.  I'm not a trendy person to begin with, I'm more of a classic person, so when I do buy something trendy, it's gonna be CHEAP.  Such as this (which is SO pretty in person):
 
After that, we went to Sephora so I could get a new sharpener and to pick up my birthday present from them (a cute little mascara/liner/shadow set).  Then it was on to Build-a-Bear so Amelia could spend her money.  She got a cute little Valentines puppy & an outfit for her. 

After this?  That's when the REAL fun began *rolling my eyes*.  Heading back through the food court, we almost had a clean getaway, when the people from the Tmobile kiosk got ahold of us.  Normally, I don't make eye contact and just keep on walking, but today I had a daughter with me who has recently turned 18 and is itching to get her own account.  Before I know what's happening, she breaks ranks and is in full-blown conversation with one of them (and STILL is because she got his phone # and has been texting him all night!).  We were there for close to THREE hours and my feet were killing me by the end.  The two lucky girls who got the new phones?  Traitors!  Both of them!  They left us standing there to go sit at a table and rest their weary bones (refer to picture above).

Honestly, I don't have much to complain about though...at least not until my first bill comes.  I've been wanting to switch some things on my account, which they were able to do for me and I have also been wanting to get
Amelia a phone.  So as this is all happening, you know Courtney steps up and tries to get her own new phone out of the deal.  I keep saying no, actually, "HELL NO" was more like it.  So the guy (VERY cute Mike, to be exact), asks her "how much money do you have?"  She replies that she only has her $20 allowance and he says, "If I can give you a new gravity 2 for $20, will you take it?"  Of course, I am a wimp and say yes.  BLAH!  So needless to say, for $20 I got my account fixed and two new phones.  PLUS, I got a $30 mail-in rebate for her phone, so I'm even ahead of the game.  Until I get my bill anyways.

We went out to dinner after that and I couldn't even eat my food because I am SO nauseous I can't stand it.  Not sure what that's about, but hopefully it passes before tomorrow night.  While we were there, however, Courtney starts going on & on about some guy that lives by us that thinks I'm "cute."  She & Maddie start ranting about what a good catch he is and how cool & cute he is, so she texts him and asks him to send a picture and she's right, he is cute.  He wants to do something this weekend, but I have to work, so we'll see what happens.  I can't believe my daughter is hooking me up on dates. lol

Now we're home.  Shopping is tiring.  The guy Court wants me to date commented that he's never seen me around the complex, only seen pictures of me...that's because I don't like to leave my house homie!  lol  If you look up the word "homebody" in the dictionary, there I'll be.  I will leave, and obviously do leave, but there is NO place like home!
xoxo
♥ veronica

1.27.2010

Clipart of the day

Random #26

xoxo
♥ veronica

What famous person have you been told you look like?


 Like it or not,
Monica Lewinsky
is the person that I have most often been told I look like.

I have actually been mistaken for her not once, but TWICE.
Once in a deli in Times Square....
They wanted to take my picture and put me on their wall of celebrities
(I should have done it for the free food)
&
and then once by one of my patients,
who may or may not have been a little senile.

Some people think it's an insult,
but I actually take it as a compliment.
I think she's very pretty & intelligent & obviously passionate.
The mere fact that she got caught up in a love affair that wasn't
wise or good for her, only makes me identify with her more.

It could be worse!
After all, I often most identify myself with looking like
John Goodman!
So,
I'll take it.


xoxo
♥ veronica

I can't believe it's over!

I can't believe it's over! :( *sniff*

The Teen Mom season finale has aired
and I feel like I have to say goodbye to people I have come to know.

Most like family?
Of course, that would by Tyler & Catelynn.

I can't stress enough how much I love these young people
and how impressed I have been with their maturity, wisdom & health
(when they haven't been around anything healthy to draw from).

When he proposed to her?
I cried right along with him.
And I love that he asked her Mom for her blessing,
even though her mom has acted shamefully lately.

Speaking of the mom,
I'm so glad that she had a redeeming moment on this episode
where she apologized for not being there for them
and that she told Catelynn she made the right decision.
Loved it.

Oh, I hope they invite me to the wedding!!!


xoxo
♥ veronica

Clipart of the day

Random #34

xoxo
♥ veronica

1.26.2010

The Lovely Bones....


So this evening didn't go AT ALL like I thought it would.  Better than I thought, but still unanticipated.  I was supposed to work, so I slept most of the day away.  The kids were home from school because of their cold/flu/pink-eye bit....which should all make you guess what happened to me.  Yep, I woke up with pink eye.  BLAH!

It's mild and not too irritating, but I still can't go to work with it.  Luckily, I have an awesome boss who let me switch a day for later in the week instead of calling off, but that means I have to...... dum dum dummmmmmmmmmm....work the floor.  Like a regular floor nurse!  GAH!!  I know, I know.  I did it for years, what's the big deal?  Um, hello?  Have we met?  I'm known to be a bit lazy and don't really WANT to have to do the "real" work if I don't have to. *sigh*  Just kidding! lol  I don't have a problem with it, although I am totally lazy.

Anyways, as we're all sitting around watching each other and doing the who's-gonna-make-the-first-move-and-make-dinner dance, someone reminds me of some gift cards I got for Christmas and they suggest dinner and a movie.  GREAT!  Where should we go???  You'll never guess what gets thrown out....

wait for it.....


wait for it....

"Golden Corral!"

*cricket cricket*

"Are you kidding me?" *blank stare*

"No!  It's SO good and we haven't been there for SO long!  I want their macaroni & cheese and some steak and some dessert.....!"  With that, both of the other girls chime in with squeals of delight and all I hear is, "PLEASE MOMMY, PLEASE!  OH COME ON MOM!  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!"

It was like taking a bullet!  I'm telling you, I NEVER thought I would see the day that my little women would betray me like this! I took a few moments to remind them that the reason we don't go there is because...well, for one thing, it's GROSS...and the other reason is because it was the nasty wasband's favorite restaurant.  Whenever we would go out to eat, he would have a tantrum like a little baby until we all went there.  We ate there so often and he was such a pig that I [un]lovingly started referring to it as "the trough."

Nonetheless, for things like this, this family is a democracy (and I have no doubt that policy will be changing VERY soon) and so the majority won.  And we went to the (*!#$ing) trough.  And I wonder how they would feel if they thought about hypothetically how I might end up with a severely upset stomach from eating that nasty, greasy food...and how hypothetically I might end up in the bathroom before even making it to my movie seats, where hypothetically I would spend a very long time with some severe GI distress and have to hypothetically courtesy flush every twenty seconds so that I don't scare away all of the other patrons....hypothetically speaking, of course.

So anyways, we finally make it to our seats and settle in to watch "The Lovely Bones."  WOW!  Was that a good movie!  I loved it!  I spent the entire movie thinking, WHY did I not write this first???  It was totally something I would have written and spoke to me on so many levels.  I have read that as usual, people who have read the book first, hate the movie because it is so vastly different.  Parts have been removed, etc.  At first I was thinking that I don't even know if I want to read the book now if it will only make me hate the movie, because I loved it so  much, but then I figured that loving the movie this much will mean that I will only love the book that much more and so I MUST read it immediately!

First off, this movie was visually stunning!  The cinematography was so good the whole way through.  I tend to be suckers for movies like that...Moulin Rouge, What Dreams May Come, Big Fish, etc....all movies that are beautiful to look at.  Second of all, I usually don't care much for Susan Sarandon and have never thought she was very pretty, but let me tell you, in THIS movie?  She's sexy!  Yes, you heard right.  She played the sexy grandma and I thought she was hot. So, Susan...you go!  Third, it's so beautifully written and some of the words felt like they were coming out of my own head.  At one point, Susan Sarandon looks at the mom and says, "Do you really think that if you seal it up the pains gonna go away?"  It was like she was talking to ME.  That is something that I needed to hear for so many reasons and I am so guilty of shutting things up and pretending they don't exist so that I'm not vulnerable.  I pulled out my phone and emailed that quote to myself so that I wouldn't forget it.

All-in-all, I just got it.  I can't wait to buy the book and read it.  I hope I like it as much (sounds silly to say that).

xoxo
♥ veronica

1.25.2010

The muse

Inspiration often comes at me elusively and hard to put my finger on.  I catch a snippet of something…a melody, a visual, a fleeting thought…and it stirs emotion and creativity in me that often builds to a point where I have no choice but to release it.  It’s something bigger than myself, without a doubt.  And at times it causes so much anxiety in me, because I can feel it coming...and then the emotion swells and the words begin flooding my mind, and I have so many things I know the universe wants me to say…and I know that if I don’t get to a computer FAST, that it will be gone.  And I hate that.

One of the biggest ways that I often feel like a failure is knowing in my head all of these revelations I had during the day...wonderful, inspiring things to say…and now they’re gone.  They’re gone, and they will never be recaptured again in a way that will speak to people the way they were supposed to, because somehow the anointing is lifted from the words.  Because of that, most of the time anymore I don’t even bother writing them down because when you miss that window of opportunity, the words fall flat and come off as trite.

What I want to do is find a way to make this creative process become more of a conversation between me and the muse, vs. me hoping to be standing in the right place at the right time, hoping to be struck by divine lightning.  Because to feel like you are standing there helpless, living on a prayer that something will happen, maybe, possibly, so that someone can maybe, possibly catch a glimpse of God (which is what the muse is) through you, that’s a very scary place to be.  And when everything in the universe aligns and someone does manage to catch that glimpse and they are moved and stirred and inspired by what you've created, what incredible pressure that places on you to make it happen again.

Is that the best that it gets? Will this ever happen again in your lifetime? Have you just reached your peak? Is it all downhill from there? Or will you be lucky enough to be struck by that lightning twice in one lifetime? Oh the pressure!

To know that the source of all that creative beauty isn’t mine…it isn’t an innate part of me that I hold captive and can choose to release and share whenever I am feeling generous enough to do so, but rather it is a tiny, glittering piece of divinity that is loaned to me when the time is right for me to bring it forth…when it is the right time to be placed into the world like a brand new warm and pink baby…when it is precisely the moment that whoever needs to see it, will indeed see it…is an humbling experience.  It is not OF me, but is instead, THROUGH me.  When we create, we are not the vessel, but rather the channel that the creativity flows through, which is why I need a better creative voicemail system.  Because if the muse calls and I’m not home, it would really stink to know that I missed the call and never got the message.

Although most of the time lately, I've been purposely not answering the call because I'm so lost in my own bubble of distraction that frankly, I'm not paying attention to anything else.  It's time to refocus and to start picking up the line and then maybe, just maybe, I can get about this business of being a writer.  I take that back...I'm already a writer...I want to get about the business of being an author That takes more discipline.

Clipart of the day



Random # 69

xoxo
♥ veronica

Obama in Elyria!


Last week, President Obama came to Elyria (Ohio) to speak.
 Hello?!
MY HOMETOWN HOMIES!!!

He spoke at the community college where I attended and received my nursing degree.

Airforce One at Cleveland Hopkins



xoxo
♥ veronica

Clipart of the day


Random #304

xoxo
♥ veronica

1.23.2010

Clipart of the day


Random # 194

xoxo
♥ veronica

Clipart of the day


Random #278

xoxo
♥ veronica

Lord, when will it be enough?

I've been saying for days that this storm is freaking me out.  It reminds me of home and all of the weather catastrophes that happen there.  Well, this article is what I read this morning (see below).  My heart is devastated for these people.  In my worst nightmares something like this happens and I can barely cope when I wake up.

In one particular nightmare that always haunts me, I'm up somewhere high, like on some scenic overlook and Amelia slips and falls over the railing.  I am absolutely helpless and can only watch her falling as her eyes lock with mine.  The look of horror in her eyes is terrorizing to me and I run and scream the most blood curdling screams that could possibly come out of me for someone to help me someway, somehow, as I try in vain to find a way to make my way down to help her.  The panic and devastation that overcomes me as my mind envisions her laying there all alone and the fear she must have felt and the way she must have been looking to me to save her and I couldn't.

I wake up sobbing and then take quite a while to stop every time.  These people had to face this in real life.  You would have to dig a hole and stick me in it because I don't know how I would cope.  The thing is, you DO cope.  You always think you won't, but I know from experience that when devastating news about your children come, a way is made for you.  What you think will surely swallow you up and devour you, somehow doesn't.  I can only pray for grace and mercy for these people.

I know that we have a good and merciful God.  Only he knows what the reason behind this is.  And only he can comfort the pain that is too monumental for human hearts to bear.

Please take a few moments to read this article and pray for this family.  Thanks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father clung to his son and a tree in a rain-swollen northern Arizona river before losing his grip on the 6-year-old boy, who was swept away by the rushing waters and is presumed dead, a fire chief said.


Searchers spent Friday looking for the boy's body with no success, a day after David and Katrina Baudek of rural Mayer loaded their two children, Jacob and Desiree, into a pickup during a powerful winter storm. They were trying to get Jacob to a hospital because he was sick, authorities said.

The family left their home about 70 miles north of Phoenix and headed out on a dirt road that normally is passable.

Tributaries of the nearby Agua Fria River already flooded local roads. The Baudeks crossed one of them, then decided travel was too dangerous and turned back. They made it 40 feet across a 50-foot wash when the fast-moving water caught their Chevrolet Avalanche and carried it 20 feet downstream, said Mayer Fire Chief Glenn Brown.

Katrina Baudek escaped to higher ground as her husband moved the two children into the truck's bed for safety.

A witness nearby heard the commotion and threw David Baudek a rope while someone called for help as storm waters rose and covered the truck's roof, Brown said. Separated by 40 feet of rushing water, rescuers could do nothing but beg for a helicopter — something weather conditions wouldn't allow, he said.
After holding on to both children and the rope for about two hours, the father lost his grip and dove toward the shore. Somehow, possibly with the help of her mother, the girl reached safety on the shore as David Baudek clutched a tree and his son.

He lost his grip, and Jacob Baudek was swept away.

"Seeing it, you cannot imagine how he was able to hold on as long as he did," Brown said.
An Arizona Department of Public Safety crew flew over the area Friday where Jacob was last seen and spotted debris piles. Ground crews searched them and found the blue and green pajamas the boy was wearing more than a mile from where the truck got stuck, said Yavapai County sheriff's spokesman Dwight D'Evelyn. A backpack the boy was carrying also was recovered, he said.

But there still was no sign of the boy, who also was wearing black and green tennis shoes and had a red and orange blanket wrapped around him. Authorities fear his body might be buried in the mud, and the water would have to recede before it could be recovered, D'Evelyn said.

The search was suspended Friday evening while authorities figure out what to do next, he said.
Meanwhile, the family is stuck at home, a river physically separating them from authorities. "They are doing the best they can under the circumstances, he said.

Conditions wouldn't have allowed the boy to survive, he said.

"A 6-year-old, depending on his medical condition, would probably be unconscious fairly quickly and not have the knowledge of what to do or how to react and probably couldn't swim," he said. "Even an adult would have a hard time in this situation."


xoxo
♥ veronica

1.22.2010

Clipart of the day



Random #7



xoxo
♥ veronica

Clipart of the day

In an attempt to clear out some of the massive amounts of clipart
that gets saved to my computer,
I am reinstating the "clipart of the day."


I will use a random number generator to let me know which picture to choose
& that will be the one to get posted whether I like it or not
(because we all know how picky I can be and would normally hit the random
button over & over until it gives me what I want...I'm just saying).

No telling WHAT might show up,
so I apologize in advance for anything that might offend some people.
But then again,
if you are easily offended,
what are you doing on MY blog??? ;)

So here is today's random clipart...
#43



xoxo
♥ veronica

Friday five




  1. The rain here this week is freaking me out.  I like the rain if it's not too heavy AND if I don't have to go out in it, but this week made me feel like I was back in good ol' Ohio.  Last night the news actually said we had a tornado watch for a little while (!!!).  I remember when I first moved here, one day when talking to Collin I said, "my biggest fear with weather is always tornadoes.  They scare me to death."  He smiled and said, "don't worry...we don't get those here."  HA!  My dear, dear friend... have you not learned after all these years of having the inside scoop on my life that I have THE. WORST. LUCK. EVER.?  Rain, rain, PLEASE go away.  SOON.
  2. Woke up this morning with a fever, headache & wicked nausea.  Gonna go back to bed to see if that helps (which is why this post is gonna be super short & sweet).
  3. Go back to work tonight.  Hope all goes well.  Found myself on monster.com last night looking for jobs.  I have no idea why, other than the fact that I dream of having a job someday where I don't punch the clock and where matters of life & death aren't the most obvious issue of my day.  If I could find a job that paid as well where all I had to do was sit at a table (better yet, MY table...work from home!) and put little pieces parts together or some other mindless job...that would be HEAVEN.
  4. Pray for Jessica please.  Her newest shunt has a raging infection in it (again) and they have her in the hospital once again.  The are pumping her full of antibiotics, pulling out the shunt and replacing it with a temporary one for ten days while they get all of the infection cleared up, THEN doing surgery AGAIN to put another brand new shunt in. :(  I've lost count of how many surgeries and hospital stays she has had in the past few months and I know she is weary.  They are worried that she won't be able to graduate this year because of all the missed school.  Continue to pray for her and her parents (Mike & Maribel) please.  We love you Jecca!  Keep your chin up!
    Ok, I guess I only have four in me for right now.  I need to lay down.  I'll get the other (hopefully more interesting) point up later if I feel better.  Hope you all have a great day.


    xoxo
    ♥ veronica

    1.19.2010

    One of my faves


    I don't normally like white tables
    (and don't know that I do now),
    but this was one of my favorite rooms at IKEA.

    I love the black & white,
    the floral chairs,
    the mercury glass
    & the cabinets.
    xoxo
    ♥ veronica

    1.18.2010

    Be humble or be humbled

    There has been nothing more surprising to me than the fact that I tend to receive a lot of email and have even gotten some blog followers who thank me for my writing in general, but even more specifically, sometimes they thank me for writing about bipolar disorder.  This never fails to shock me into silence.

    Why?  Because when I check out their blogs or sites, often I find that these wonderful people are sufferers of the disease and I feel that because of the horrific experiences I have gone through in the past few years dealing with the wasband, I have not been in even the smallest way been gracious about this disease.  Then I read their stories and I look at their pictures and I hear their prayers...and it humbles me in monumental ways that they would take the time to read about my life.  It always brings my focus back to the fact that not everyone is like him.  There are so many wonderful, beautiful, interesting, productive, loving people who are struggling day-to-day and they aren't self-destructive, parasitic monsters.  It's a learning experience for me to remember to separate the disease from the person.

    Truth be told, I have had several important people in my life who have bipolar disorder.  Many of them, you wouldn't even know had it unless they told you.  Sometimes I forget that and I tend to lump everyone with the label "bipolar" into a group that should simply be labeled "Scott B." instead.  I think I was just so wounded from that whole ordeal that I have post-traumatic-scott-disorder and I am skiddish around most people I don't know and have them diagnosed in my mind within minutes of meeting them.  I already have them labeled and can list ten different ways they can and probably will be hurting me.

    I need to be healed from that.

    And I think God is actively making that happen by sending people my way who are beautiful and loving...and bipolar.

    Thank you to every person who has touched my life in a positive way who fits this blog...whether friend, family, lover or blog buddy.  Thank you for taking an interest in my life and not judging me by my pain.  You're awesome.

    xoxo
    ♥ veronica

    1.16.2010

    Friday five


     
    1.  Spent the day at Ikea and LOVED every minute of it.  It's such a good thing I don't have a busting-at-the-seams bank account, or it would be empty right now.  You should see my IKEA catalog...bookmarked all over the place with things I want to buy.  I didn't buy anything major because, 1) I'm broke right now and 2) I don't have any way to get it home anymore and would have to have it delivered (blah).  But I did get several small bargains...like a cute little bud vase for 79 cents, dishtowels, etc.  I almost get more joy from spending $20.00 on several little things than several hundred on one big thing.
    2. This past week kicked my butt!  It was meeting week at work and so I was there basically every single day for either work or meetings...or both.  It's different when you have a lot of meetings and you work dayshift, because at least you get to attend during your normal work hours.  When you work nights and have to attend meetings, you have to be there both day and night and it spanks your ass.  And if the meetings are for really stupid things?  It makes it even worse.  
    3. Aside from the meetings, work stress peaked out when there was a blow-out with one of the nurses who felt she was being treated unfairly.  *sigh*  Such bullcrap.  And it was a lot of screaming and yelling *jazz hands*.  I hate that crap and sometimes (often times) makes me wonder if this position is worth it.  It's not like I'm making a ton more money for having this position and taking all of this extra responsibility and drama.  I like the roll I have to fill but shit runs uphill & I'm not sure I like being the one uphill.  I kind of miss being at the bottom of the hill sometimes.
    4. Speaking of drama.... the wasband was in full effect this week.  It was SO BAD.  And I would like to be able to hold my head up and say that I acted with grace and integrity (as I usually try to do)....but I SOOOOO didn't.  If there is a complete opposite of grace & integrity, that's where I could be found.  It started when I received an email from him with the subject line of "STOP", where he went on to basically say, "I know you signed into my yahoo messenger last night & told my friends I was going to kick their asses!"  At first I laughed out loud, but then it pissed me off when he wouldn't leave me alone.  Let me just say that YES, I have always had his passwords (stupid guy never changed them) and I have looked to see what he was up to when he was too quiet, but signing into his yahoo messenger and saying, "hey this is Scott and I'm gonna kick your ass"...that is THE DUMBEST thing I have ever heard!  I think he was just using that as a lame excuse to contact me and rant a little bit about how he always treated me so good (HA!), blah blah blah.  After a few emails, (SEVEN of them to be exact), I unleashed a barrage of curse words and insults on him so harsh that it would make the most jaded truck driver blush.  I really went off.  It was ugly.  I wish I could say I regret it, but sadly, I don't.  It felt good and he deserved all the ugliness.  There was some other stuff too, but needless to say I think I reacted strongly enough to convince him to go away.  Hopefully he did.  I only have one thing to say to him... "To the left, to the left.  Everything you own in a box to the left."
    5. Speaking of unsuccessful dating, there has been a guy I've been talking to lately who is enough to scratch the lonely itch once in a while, but I don't think it will be all that long-lasting or involved.  Why?  Simply put, because he's a bit of a perv.  And that's a bit ironic, because I am normally a complete perv....but I think what I've learned is that I'm a selective perv.  It has to be in the right situation, with the right person, at the right time....you get it.  He acts a bit like he has perverted tourettes or something and I was surprised what a huge turn-off that can be for me.  I normally love me some dirty talk, but when it is just blurted out mid-conversation in a really crass way?  Blech.  He won't be around long, I fear.  He's only around now for the occassional conversation, but he's on his way out.

    xoxo
    ♥ veronica

    1.14.2010

    Enchanted...

    Did you guys watch American Idol this week?

    I'm watching the second part right now
    &
    this girl from Tennessee shook my jug.

    When I first saw her, I have to admit that I
    looked at her with judgmental eyes, thinking
    that she wasn't the prettiest girl I've ever seen,
    and that she needed her teeth whitened, etc.

    And then I felt the familiar tug on my heart
    that I feel when God is trying to speak to me.

    As I looked at her with critical thinking,
    I could hear God saying,
    "I love her.  I love her as much as I love you.  I am enchanted with her."

    *soak it in*

    Before I knew it, I found myself crying a little bit
    because I could see into her heart and for just a moment,
    I could see some of what God sees.
    I found myself rooting for her
    because I could feel how genuine she was,
    and I could feel how proud God was of her.

    Every woman just wants to be beautiful,
    and sometimes we need to look beyond the obvious.

    Because he is enchanted with her beauty...
    and yours...
    and mine.

    xoxo
    ♥ veronica

    1.10.2010

    Friday Five



    1. Haven't been blogging much & I know it.  It's been months really, since I blogged anything of much substance on a regualar basis.  Honestly that's because everything I have to say, I know I really shouldn't be saying.  Or it would be hard for most people to hear.  Or it's inappropriate.  I know, "aren't you the one that just wrote about needing laid and you're worried about being inappropriate?"  Yeah, yeah.  Blah blah blah.  Yes I am.  It's inappropriate in entirely different ways.  Emotional ways.  Spiritual ways.  And I just don't know who would be able to handle me putting some of this stuff out there.  All I can say is please pray for me.  Maybe I'll be able to share someday.


    2. Things I learned while home on vacation:  One:  yes, the cold still sucks.  Two:  I really hate sharing my ipod listening (she had an earbud and I had an earbud) with a 9-year-old on an airplane because she is bored & I love her and then because I love her, letting her play DJ with said ipod.  *sigh*  Needless to say, it didn't last too long because 9-year-olds don't make good DJ's.


    3. My mom came back with us to visit for a while and it has been AWESOME having her here.  She has been so much help and I forgot how nice it is to have that. 


    4. My mom is really funny when tipsy. :)  As you can see in the picture to the right, the "large" margarita she ordered was indeed LARGE.  It was about the size of Amelia's head.  Wish I could have had some.... Oh well.  Grandma deserves some fun, especially when this close to Mexico.  I'm just surprised she didn't fall into a Mexicoma after drinking all that!


    5. Last but not least, I had the most amazing birthday.  Yes, I was sick and had to work both the night before as well as that night, but all of the birthday greetings that came in, as well as some phone calls and gifts that were VERY unexpected but that made my day were wonderful and made it the best day ever.  I have the best people in my life and I love all of you so much! 


    xoxo
    ♥ veronica

    1.07.2010

    1.06.2010

    I will wait for you....


    There are other fish in the sea....that is one of the things that I have been told over and over lately, and honestly, it's something that I've been chanting to myself like some ancient mantra.

    There are other fish in the sea.

    Because of that statement, I could feel myself considering (even if barely) coming back to life.  The truth is, I had taken a physical time-out from the world...my vibrator hasn't even come near me.  Why?  Because none of it is him.  I'm just not interested.  Until his are the hands touching me, I'm satisfied to not be touched by anyone else.  That ll changed during a little rebellious, bringing myself back down to earth a little bit episode I had last week.  I had decided that the main goal of my trip home would be to satisfy all the naughty, dirty urges I have been stockpiling in my mind since the last time I saw him.  I planned to go home and find some of those other damn fish supposedly swimming in those dumb-ass seas everyone is always talking about.  After all, the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else, right?

    So what happened?  That seems to be the question I've been getting most often from those who read some of my ambien-hazed posts from before vacation.  Did you get any?  Did you?  Did you?  Yep, that's the question of the week.  And the answer is?  No.  I didn't.

    But there are so many other fish in the sea!

    True.  And any girl worth her salt would be able to find at least someone to have sex with if she needed to....and not to be disappointed, there was an abundance of those around me.  I had one overly anxious and sure to please guy from high school who wanted to meet up (at least once), I had the very drunk husband of a dear friend who was all over me right in front of her and asked me to go home with THEM (who I politely turned down and then changed seats), I had several other flirt-partners and then one friend who was definitely up for at least some heavy making out, if not the entire home run....All in all, it came down to 3 dates scheduled and 3 dates canceled.
    3 dates scheduled.
    3 dates canceled.

    Wow.  Why would I cancel any dates when there are so  many other fish in the sea?  Simple enough....
    because they weren't him.

    You say, "There are other fish in the sea." and I think, "Fuck you, he is my sea."

    Where do you go from there?

    Well, for today I do nothing new.  I just keep living.  Obviously I am still pretty wrecked over him,
    and I'm not going to continue beating myself up and trying to heal as quickly as possible so that I can act as if nothing is wrong.  Because something is wrong.
    Do I ever want to love again?  Of course!  More than anything.
    Do I ever want to have sex again?  Of course!  More than anything.
    Do I want it to be with just anyone, just or the sake of doing it?
    Well yeah, sometimes.
    But not usually.
    I can't bring myself to do it.
    I want him here.
    I want his hands on me.
    I want to love him.
    Forever.

    He is my sea.

    Until I get over that,
    here I am.

    xoxo
    ♥ veronica

    1.05.2010

    It made me cuss!

    What does 15 degrees plus windchill in Cleveland mean?
    It means when I get out of the car & get snow
    in my shoe and have to walk across the street,
    I will be doing some serious mumbling and cussing under my breath!

    By the time I got in the house,
    I was PISSED
    and mumbling something about this being "bullshit" under my breath. lol

    Being that cold is stupid.

    xoxo
    ♥ veronica
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