1.06.2010

I will wait for you....


There are other fish in the sea....that is one of the things that I have been told over and over lately, and honestly, it's something that I've been chanting to myself like some ancient mantra.

There are other fish in the sea.

Because of that statement, I could feel myself considering (even if barely) coming back to life.  The truth is, I had taken a physical time-out from the world...my vibrator hasn't even come near me.  Why?  Because none of it is him.  I'm just not interested.  Until his are the hands touching me, I'm satisfied to not be touched by anyone else.  That ll changed during a little rebellious, bringing myself back down to earth a little bit episode I had last week.  I had decided that the main goal of my trip home would be to satisfy all the naughty, dirty urges I have been stockpiling in my mind since the last time I saw him.  I planned to go home and find some of those other damn fish supposedly swimming in those dumb-ass seas everyone is always talking about.  After all, the best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else, right?

So what happened?  That seems to be the question I've been getting most often from those who read some of my ambien-hazed posts from before vacation.  Did you get any?  Did you?  Did you?  Yep, that's the question of the week.  And the answer is?  No.  I didn't.

But there are so many other fish in the sea!

True.  And any girl worth her salt would be able to find at least someone to have sex with if she needed to....and not to be disappointed, there was an abundance of those around me.  I had one overly anxious and sure to please guy from high school who wanted to meet up (at least once), I had the very drunk husband of a dear friend who was all over me right in front of her and asked me to go home with THEM (who I politely turned down and then changed seats), I had several other flirt-partners and then one friend who was definitely up for at least some heavy making out, if not the entire home run....All in all, it came down to 3 dates scheduled and 3 dates canceled.
3 dates scheduled.
3 dates canceled.

Wow.  Why would I cancel any dates when there are so  many other fish in the sea?  Simple enough....
because they weren't him.

You say, "There are other fish in the sea." and I think, "Fuck you, he is my sea."

Where do you go from there?

Well, for today I do nothing new.  I just keep living.  Obviously I am still pretty wrecked over him,
and I'm not going to continue beating myself up and trying to heal as quickly as possible so that I can act as if nothing is wrong.  Because something is wrong.
Do I ever want to love again?  Of course!  More than anything.
Do I ever want to have sex again?  Of course!  More than anything.
Do I want it to be with just anyone, just or the sake of doing it?
Well yeah, sometimes.
But not usually.
I can't bring myself to do it.
I want him here.
I want his hands on me.
I want to love him.
Forever.

He is my sea.

Until I get over that,
here I am.

xoxo
♥ veronica

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