Inspiration often comes at me elusively and hard to put my finger on. I catch a snippet of something…a melody, a visual, a fleeting thought…and it stirs emotion and creativity in me that often builds to a point where I have no choice but to release it. It’s something bigger than myself, without a doubt. And at times it causes so much anxiety in me, because I can feel it coming...and then the emotion swells and the words begin flooding my mind, and I have so many things I know the universe wants me to say…and I know that if I don’t get to a computer FAST, that it will be gone. And I hate that.
One of the biggest ways that I often feel like a failure is knowing in my head all of these revelations I had during the day...wonderful, inspiring things to say…and now they’re gone. They’re gone, and they will never be recaptured again in a way that will speak to people the way they were supposed to, because somehow the anointing is lifted from the words. Because of that, most of the time anymore I don’t even bother writing them down because when you miss that window of opportunity, the words fall flat and come off as trite.
What I want to do is find a way to make this creative process become more of a conversation between me and the muse, vs. me hoping to be standing in the right place at the right time, hoping to be struck by divine lightning. Because to feel like you are standing there helpless, living on a prayer that something will happen, maybe, possibly, so that someone can maybe, possibly catch a glimpse of God (which is what the muse is) through you, that’s a very scary place to be. And when everything in the universe aligns and someone does manage to catch that glimpse and they are moved and stirred and inspired by what you've created, what incredible pressure that places on you to make it happen again.
Is that the best that it gets? Will this ever happen again in your lifetime? Have you just reached your peak? Is it all downhill from there? Or will you be lucky enough to be struck by that lightning twice in one lifetime? Oh the pressure!
To know that the source of all that creative beauty isn’t mine…it isn’t an innate part of me that I hold captive and can choose to release and share whenever I am feeling generous enough to do so, but rather it is a tiny, glittering piece of divinity that is loaned to me when the time is right for me to bring it forth…when it is the right time to be placed into the world like a brand new warm and pink baby…when it is precisely the moment that whoever needs to see it, will indeed see it…is an humbling experience. It is not OF me, but is instead, THROUGH me. When we create, we are not the vessel, but rather the channel that the creativity flows through, which is why I need a better creative voicemail system. Because if the muse calls and I’m not home, it would really stink to know that I missed the call and never got the message.
Although most of the time lately, I've been purposely not answering the call because I'm so lost in my own bubble of distraction that frankly, I'm not paying attention to anything else. It's time to refocus and to start picking up the line and then maybe, just maybe, I can get about this business of being a writer. I take that back...I'm already a writer...I want to get about the business of being an author That takes more discipline.