I've been meaning to blog all week long. Not really because there's all that much going on, but because sometimes I have so many things bouncing around inside the walls of my mind that to actually set them out like a fragile creation for the whole world to see--and possibly judge--well, that's a little difficult for me. I've never been one to have much difficulty sharing myself with the world, but I'm only capable of doing that after I have processed it, slept with it, tasted it, mulled it over a thousand times and know exactly what I think about it. I'm not exactly sure that I'm at that place just yet, so I'm trying something new. I'm trying to share little vulnerable bits of me and the struggles I am having and the path that I am currently on before I've had a chance to over-analyze ever nook and cranny of it.
Lately I've been thinking about moving away. I've been thinking it for many years actually--planning to be moved away by the time the evil one gets out of prison, but now I'm seriously beginning to consider it. It's only three years away and I'm thinking since my mortgage company is hell-bent on stealing my home, I might as well just give it to them and make the move now. This might seem easy, but it's actually one of the most heart-wrenching decisions I've ever had to make. Just typing this is bringing me to tears. There are so many reasons for this that I'm going to try to explain a few but have a feeling that it will only turn out to be confusing for everyone reading.
First of all, this is my home. My HOME. I was born here, I've raised my babies here, I've laughed, loved, cried and mourned here. I know the streets by heart. I know the sounds and the smells. I know the smell of the beach, I know that right about this time every year the "May Flies" start rolling in off the water. I know the seasons. This is all so important because I'm a person who jokingly says, "I fear change"--but it's no joke. I feel like my insides are being ripped out. I am SO AFRAID of moving to an unknown area and starting over. Doing that to my kids, uprooting my life, new job, new home, new stores, new church, etc. MAJOR LIFE UPHEAVAL.
Okay, that's part one. Part two is that I feel like I have to act as if I'm going into the witness protection program. The whole reason that I'm moving in the first place is so that I will be long gone before the evil one gets out of prison...this means that not many people here can know where I'm going. I can only think of a few that I will trust enough to share where I will be. If he finds out where we are, he's the kind who will come and try to invade our lives like a virus. He will try to "win" me back (which means stalking and probably abusing me into submission) and/or kidnap my girls. To protect us, this means I have to cut ties with A LOT of people that I love. They just won't be able to know.
In my mind this was a distant "someday we will move" and all of a sudden it is upon me. It looks like it will be within the next few months...and that is freaking me out more than just a little. Because of all this, I've taken myself right back out of my childhood church (that I had just began attending again). His parents still attend that church and I know people would sell me out without even thinking--not necessarily on purpose, but why put them in a position where they have to even think about it. They shouldn't have to live in fear of his stupidity. So I am having to just retrace my steps and back out of the situation without many goodbyes. That is stressing me out and making me feel guilty. I hope if they ever learn the truth as to why I'm not there that they will understand and not take it personally, because I truly love each and every one of them. I keep thinking that I'm going to have to leave without even saying goodbye to Joleen (who is one of my oldest and most beloved of friends) because she is his niece and although she claims her loyalty is with me, she has "accidentally" exposed every secret I've had to her family.
I hate feeling like my life is a huge covert operation now and that this is turning into a CIA mission.
So that's the first part of what's going on in my mind lately. The second part is whether or not to take my husband with me. Yeah--that's a doozie to say out loud. If he by (very rare) chance happens to read this, I know it will hurt his feelings (because it would mine), but that isn't my purpose. I have to preface this by saying that I love him. And by "him" I mean the man that I married and that occassionally shows his face around here--not the confused, never properly-medicated, high-maintenance, unaffectionate, lump that has taken up residence on my sofa. That guy is the one that I'm considering leaving behind. The dilemma is deciding if I should or shouldn't. That has sent me into a whole other existencial crisis.
This week the "good Scott" came back. Actually, it was a little longer than a week. Full-force wonderful husband in the house. He was the friendly, good-natured, affectionate, energetic (but not manic) nice guy that I love so much. He helped around the house (without being asked), he made dinner, he waited up for me after work so that he could give me some L-O-N-G overdue affection...he has just been perfect. It's those moments that leave me as crushed as anything else because as wonderful as they are, I've ridden this bipolar roller-coaster long enough to know that it's only a matter of time before the other shoe drops. All week long I would tell people what a good week were having, and would always sum it up with, "I just hope this isn't the calm before the storm as it usually is." Just yesterday, I had actually started to believe that this just might be the real deal. Maybe this is finally the correct combination of medications and he is going to be back to the husband I love! Unfortunately, I then came home from work to find him withdrawn and sleeping on the couch--where he stayed all day today, sulking, depressed and ignoring me. I even reached the point where I asked him if he was mad at me for something, to which he replied that he wasn't, the just felt "sluggish" today....which in Scott terms means, "here comes the rain." What pisses me off is that when HIS rain comes, it means that MY world has to rain too. We are ONE. In ONE world.
The realization that it wasn't the right meds, it was just another ride on the never-ending roller coaster that has me doubting my whole world. As I was thinking about this, I saw something on tv that reminded me of a "vision board" that I had made a year or so ago. I had bought a piece of poster board and glued clippings from magazines and things that I had been collecting all over it that exemplified what I wanted my "vision" for my life to be. What do I want? Where do I want to be?
I used to have the board hanging on my bedroom wall and would look at it every single day and be re-inspired to stay on the course to getting what I wanted and needed in life. Over time and the horrible events that happened in my marriage last year, I because so discouraged that I took it down. I knew in my spirit that as long as I was married to Scott, I would never reach any of those goals. That's just the reality. As long as I am living in a home with and married to a bipolar person who cycles so randomly, there's no way I will have peace, etc. So for the past several months I have had it hanging inside of my closet in the office. I glance at it every now and again, but nothing regular.
Tonight as I was watching this show on tv, and the counselor had both husband and wife make their own vision boards and then they compared them. They were totally different--just as I'm SURE Scotts and mine would be. The counselor told them to do some serious soul-searching because unless a couple share a similar vision and have similar goals in life, then they aren't going to be anything but unhappy and unsuccessful as a couple. That hit really close to home.
To be honest, I have trouble thinking about leaving him because for one: I promised him my loyalty. But does that mean loyalty when he is abandoning every single ounce of his responsibility as a husband? I think loyalty in return for loyalty should be more like it. The second thing is: I am NOT and have never been a quitter....but I don't feel like I am quitting him. I jut feel like I've reached the end of the course and there's nothing else to do. Even the JUDGE told me he couldn't believed I've stood by his side. I have stood by, waited, put up with, helped with, encouraged, given ALL of myself and my resources...there's just nothing left to do. If he is not willing to get up and perform his manly duties--such as get a JOB, be the spiritual leader of his home, pray for and with his family, treat his wife right, etc....what else is there left for me to do?
I know this is all a bit of a big mess, but I warned you! This is the stuff going on in my brain all the time. It's not sorted out yet. I don't know what's going to happen. I do know that I have to start this process of moving--so if you're one of my "inside" people that know where I'll be going--please don't share with anyone where I'll be going. It's better for all of us. And know that I love you and I appreciate all of your prayers while this gets sorted out. I know I'm supposed to pray for God's will, but I can pray that if it isn't AGAINST his will for Scott's meds to start working appropriately and keep him even-keeled so that I can have my wonderful husband back. I miss him. And having him back for this week made me miss him even more.
I really pray that if my husband reads this that his feelings aren't too hurt. It's reality and I'm sure he's familiar with my tendency to think out loud. For the record, I AM taking him with me. lol I love him and as long as he is putting one foot in front of the other and moving in the right direction (even if it's too slow for my liking), I will stand by him no matter what.