Twas the night before Cleveland....

Twas the night before Cleveland and all through the house,
everyone was still packing,
I yelled I'd better take that blouse!

Now all the suitcases sit stacked in a row by the door,
and I'm still pouting that God won't let me play like a whore...

It will be cold & snowy when we arrive in OHIO,
as we make our way up towards the lake...

 And I'll still try my best to get ahold of "some",
 though in a garage might be a compromise to make.
(inside joke!)

I'll do my best to keep y'all posted through blogger,
as long as I'm not incapacitated with too much goldschlager!

2009 was a hell of a year,
I hate to see it pass.
Now I'd love to ring in Zen in 10,
starting with a good piece of ass!

If you are SINGLE,
are NOT psychotic,
and free in the next week...
Stare into the picture above...

is it working??

heehee :)

♥ veronica


Hi my name is Veronica & I'm never having sex again

This sucks!  I'm packing my bags for our trip home in a few days.  As I was rushing here and there, gathering things together I decided to hook up the ipod dock that Josh got me for Christmas.  It works GREAT by the way...the sound is awesome.  Anyways, as the music poured out of the speakers, I found myself getting more and more melancholy.  Music does that to me lately.  So I decide that this trip home is going to be about more than just cookies and family gatherings.... it's going to be about getting laid!

Yeah I said it!
*blank stare*
I'm almost 40 years old...get there people.

I digress.

So, I find myself tapping out a text, trying to make plans.  And guess what?  NO FREAKING RESPONSE YET.  That's bullcrap.  I thought about sending another one, but then I felt that all-too-familiar tug on my heart from the Holy Spirit and that's when it hit me... this isn't about him ignoring my text...I KNOW he wouldn't.  No, there's something bigger at play here.  CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!  NO NO NO!!!  Lord, this is NOT the time to be teaching a girl lessons!  No!  This is the time for a girl to be calling on her ever-faithful, old standby bootie call!  COME ON!

How does the rest of the world ever get away with things???  People are out there whoring it up all the time!  People drink and drug and have sex every minute of the day!  But do you think I can get away with it even once?  NOOOOOOO.  I have to be in a constant state of lesson-learning.  Damnit.

Fine.  I'll just go home and chill with the fam.  And totally behave myself.  And talk about how much I'm learning and growing lately.  *sigh*  That's bullcrap.

♥ veronica


I loved her first

It's a good thing I don't have my scanner hooked up or you'd all be subjected to the torture of an endless barrage of photo montages dedicated to my girl.  It's a good thing I'm not on the east coast right now, or she'd already be 18.  As it is, it's 11:24 pm and I'm turning into a basket case.  I have tried for weeks to talk myself off the ledge & turn it into a positive, but tonight as the clock counts down, all of the facades have been cast to the side whether I wanted it to be or not and filed under the label "lies I tell myself."  Simply put, I'm a mess.

For a while I tried asking myself why I should be upset or sad, but really there are so many reasons I don't know where to start.  First of all, let me say that I AM happy for her.  I am happy, excited, hopeful, optimistic...all of those positive words.  But it's a very bittersweet thing for me.  It's the end of an era...an era that I don't really want to end.  I know I'm the furthest thing from an empty nester, but it's the beginning.  They're going to go away.  My birds will leave the nest; and my heart already feels it coming.

Plus, when your kids are growing up, you always think you have so much time...time to get better at this whole parenting thing, time to fix all the damage you've done so that they don't have to spend their entire life savings someday on therapy, time to make sure that they know you love them...or how to check their oil, or how to make doctor's appointments, or how to properly do laundry or bake a cake...so many things.  Although I have gone out of my way to raise my kids to be independent for just those reasons, I still can't believe I'm out of time.  The buzzer just sounded and the game is over.  Oh, I know she's not moving out tomorrow or anything....but she could.  The only time I have with her now is borrowed and that makes my heart ache so bad that I can hardly see through the tears to type this.

We got in an argument a little while ago about her going to get a tattoo tomorrow.  I voiced my opinion.  Strongly.  And she pouted and went to bed, asking me to wake her up at midnight.  She can technically do anything she wants tomorrow but I can tell how torn she was because in her heart, she doesn't want to disappoint me...and that makes it even just a little bit harder for me, because she's not some pain-in-the-butt rebellious teenager....she's my little girl.  My little girl who loves her mom and wants to do the right thing.  Her heart is beautiful and she loves me...and I've loved her longer.  I loved her first.

At midnight I went into her room & we hugged, cried & prayed together.
I'm somewhat talked of the ledge,
but still quite emotional.
Go before her Lord.

♥ veronica

Our wedding picture

Baby Courtney from Veronica H.

  Halloween 1992

Courtney & her "fa-fa"(s)...
she had a slight pacifier addiction & would always have one in her mouth
and at LEAST one spare on hand

Courtney & Allison



2001 or 2


Braces off!

Learning to drive

One last Christmas inspiration


Have yourself a merry little Christmas now…..

merry christmas

Oh have yourself a merry little Christmas now......

♥ veronica


Merry Christmas

Hubba hubba

♥ veronica

But I'm a FUN Jerry Springer!

I'm a firm believer that when you're supposed to be moving in a new direction, God will sometimes send you reminders to point you in the right direction.  Sometimes he will even send you reminders of where you've come from in order to remind you where you've been and how good it feels to not be there anymore.  And I think that's what he's done for me several times this week over and over again.

Several days ago at work, someone got to talking about the evil one and asked how much longer he has in prison.  They then got to asking about how he had acted or different things I had been through and for even just a brief second, I stepped back into that place in time.  I felt such heaviness and oppression.  The anger and the abuse, the constant drama...I couldn't wait to shake it off!

After that, I received a picture message from my first husband.  He, my ex mother-in-law and Darren had gone to the Olive Garden (yum) and sent me a picture of the food.  Afterwards, he called to say "My mom said to tell you she didn't even steal any of the silverware!! (lol) AND none of us wrote a bad check to them!"  See, about 20 years ago, we took her out to dinner there and I looked over to see her shoving the silverware in her purse.  I was MORTIFIED.  Then, a few days later, I found out that the check we had written to them had accidentally bounced.  MORTIFIED AGAIN.  So after Randy told me all of this, I responded with, "AWW!  Look at us all growing up and stuff!"

Then, a few days ago, one of the teenage girls that Courtney was friends with started some MAJOR drama that I'm not even going to rehash.  The sad thing?  That her MOTHER got involved too.  Not just involved as in trying to help solve things, but involved like she was a 14-year-old ghetto trashy girl.  Looking back on my responses to them, I am actually quite proud of myself that I never stooped to their level and only tried to help make the situation better.  When I couldn't, I removed my children from the situation and cut ties with them.  Years ago?  No, I probably would have punched the mother in the mouth for a few of the things she said.  It wouldn't have been pretty.  These days, my bark is worse than my bite and usually I don't even have much of a bark left.

Last but not least, I was telling Allison the other day how someone I work with teases me saying that my life sounds like a Jerry Springer episode.  I whined saying, "I don't want to be dysfunctional Jerry Springer!"  Allison replied, "You're not!  You're a FUN Jerry Springer!"  That made me laugh.  I guess if your life has to resemble Jerry Springer, FUN would be the way to go.

We got to talking about how vastly different my life is right now than from one year ago and I can hardly believe it even though I'm living it.  One year ago, I had called the police to remove my manic & exhausting husband from my house and refused to let him come home...he had to go live in a homeless shelter.  A few weeks later, I agreed to let him come home short-term and in the few days he was there?  Stole my parents credit card information, half o the belongings in the house AND what else did Prince Harming do?..... brought the neighborhood junkies into our home on New Years Day so that they could use our computers to check their frickin' myspace....BUT I didn't know about it (because I would have said 'hell no') and walked to the bathroom naked as Baby New Year in front of them!  Yes, Happy New Year to me!  There I was scared and thinking someone had broken into my home and therefore going off like a crazy woman, all the while showing my chuckie to the junkie he brought home from the smoke shop! *sigh*  Allison was laughing her butt off and saying, "Who else would these things happen to but YOU???"  It's true.  I have always tended to be some kind of a freak beacon.

Which brings me back to now.  I'm sitting in my quiet, peaceful home knowing that I have NONE of those worries anymore.  The toxins have been removed...especially once my divorce is final.  I can't believe where I've come from and wonder how I even got there to begin with.  But I know that I'm moving forward from it.  I am so far removed from all of that jazz-hands drama and although I don't think it was ever ME to begin with, I always found myself stuck in the middle of someone else's drama whether I liked it or not.  NOW?  I don't even want to be near anyone else's drama.  I want peace.  I want happiness.  I want joy.  I want love. 

This was my horoscope recently.....

“You are now like someone who has just run a marathon. You are physically drained but mentally still prepared to keep pushing on. It hasn't yet sunk in that the race is over and the pressure is off. In the war against a recurring source of stress, you have recently won your biggest battle so far, even if you don't yet realize it. Coming events should show you how far things have moved on. You'll feel far better in a few days. Or, at least, you will - provided you remember that you are now fully entitled to relax."

♥ veronica


I'm in shock. So sad.

"Brittany Murphy died early this morning after she went into full cardiac arrest and could not be revived, multiple sources tell TMZ.

She was 32.

A 911 call was made at 8:00 AM from a home in Los Angeles that is listed as belonging to her husband, Simon Monjack, the Los Angeles City Fire Department tells TMZ.

We're told Murphy was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center where she was pronounced dead on arrival. Her time of death was listed as 10:04 AM.

Murphy starred in such films as "Clueless," "8 Mile," and "Don't Say a Word." Murphy was reportedly fired from last film, "The Caller," after reports she was problematic on set.

UPDATE 3:11 PM ET -- Sources tell TMZ Brittany Murphy's mom discovered her unconscious in the shower. We're told when paramedics arrived, they quickly determined Murphy was in full cardiac arrest and immediately administered CPR. They continued CPR in route to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center -- several miles away -- and Murphy was unresponsive. She was pronounced dead at the hospital."

♥ veronica


Friday five

  1. Went to the doctor today (after MAJOR inconvenience & confusion...long story).  Bad news?  Lupus sucks.  It's flaring.  Back on prednisone...DAILY, not just short-term or a tapering dose.  *!#$**$@!!  Good news?  My blood pressure was 102/78!!  Back to my normal!  The other day (it was 160/95) was short-lived & we suspect it was me beginning to go back into congestive heart failure as I tend to do when my lupus flares up & I retain water before my period.  I was extremely symptomatic those few days with the shortness of breath & chest pain, pounding headache, etc.  But thank the Lord (LITERALLY!), I'm better today.  That's one of the main reasons for the prednisone.  The other reasons being that my body lately feels like an old womans!  She asked me to list my aches and I laughed at her, so she wanted the short list:  my right hip, left knee, left ankle & I can barely move or have use of my right index finger.  I never DREAMED how many things you use your index finger for until mine hurt and couldn't be used!  Today I'd say the pain is down from an 8 or a 9 to a 6 or 7, which is progress.  And I know that the prednisone will continue to help.
  2. Josh & his family (mom & uncle) came to town today to see Courtney & meet her family.  I have to say, I was slow to get on the bandwagon (because boys have always come & gone so quickly with Courtney), but I'm getting on now.  I REALLY, REALLY like this kid.  Before he went in the airforce?  NO.  Since then?  Yes.  He has grown into a man that I would like my daughter to be with.  You can even tell the difference in his pictures from before the service & after.  The AFTER is a good guy and I couldn't be happier.  And he makes her happy.  They've been together THREE months now.  That's huge in Courtney time (it's like dog-years).  They all hung out downstairs around the pool or around the firepit.  Then we went to dinner (Mexican food).  Josh had gotten a ton of vaccines recently (he's deploying to Iraq just after New Years), which made him not feel very good.  So he needed to go home & rest (poor guy) & is coming back tomorrow to spend some more time with her.
  3. Work & life are good overall.  Kids are good.  Things are good.  I'm looking forward to having a peaceful year.  You know, I've never had one of those before.  Even if I wasn't dating or married to someone and going through romantic woes, I was living with people who were causing major drama in my life and stressed about that.  So 2010?  Will be the first year of my entire life where I'm determined to not have many, if any at all, major life changes and upheavals.  I'm going to have peace & joy if it kills me damnit! ;)
  4. Yesterday was a big day.  12/17 is the day God delivered me & my children from the evil that was tormenting our home.  It's been seven years now.   12/18 is the day he went to jail.  Time flies & that means that it's only a few years until he's out, prowling and seeking whom he may devour again.  Oh well, I will always be grateful for that most grand of answered prayers.  As answered prayers go, that will be THE answered prayer fo my entire life.  "Lord please...PLEASE...just deliver me from this man."  That was my fervent prayer and although I hate how it happened, God used the evil that was being perpetrated and used that as the catalyst to bring the deliverance I so desperately prayed for.
  5. Going home for the holidays! :)  The tickets are bought and we will be on our way!  WELL, that's not TOTALLY true.  The tickets THERE have been bought. lol  I didn't have the money to buy both ways yet, SOOOOOO.....  Lord willing, we won't be stuck in the buckeye state when it's time to come home!  Guess that's not a good way to start my "Zen in '10".  Oh well, it is what it is!  I just have to pray and have quiet faith that it will work out and be fine & then enjoy the ride and enjoy my family! **and a pinch to grow an inch**
  6. Going home for New Years...you know what that means!!!  WOOT WOOT!  NEW YEARS EVE PARTY!!!  That means it's the O-N-E- time a year I actually get to let my hair down (and hopefully not into a bunch of puke!) and drink.  Only in the presence of my family, in their home without my kids around.  I'm too anal for my own good and I can never do anything like that unless those criteria are met.  And now....it's time to PARTY!  Sweet wompa!  I just need to remember to stay away from the Goldschlager this year!

♥ veronica


Is this not one of the most fantastic weddings EVER???

Brown Eyed Fox's brother got married...

It was like a woodland fairy/fairytale type theme...

and it was one of the coolest things I've ever seen.

Look at the pics here....

♥ veronica


Perfect day, perfect year

The year is winding down.  It actually makes me kind of sad because I think 2009 was my favorite year of my entire life and I’m incredibly sorry to see it go.  It’s such a beautiful day today…65 degrees, sunny & clear blue skies…so I went downstairs to sit and enjoy it for a while.  I started thinking about how different my life is from one year ago and I couldn’t help thinking how much I LOVE my new life.  I truly do.  If I could have my friends here with me, it would be perfect, but I do love my life.  2009 was good to me in so many ways.  The love, friendship, lessons, experiences, weights lifted….so much good stuff.  It was a truly pivotal year for my life and I wish I could have many more just like this one.
However, I’m over-the-moon excited to see what 2010 brings.  I see really exciting things coming.  It’s going to be the start of a new phase of my life for many reasons. 
Courtney will be 18.  It’s starting to ache ever so slightly less and less every time I say that.    I’m starting to get excited for her to see what happens in her life.  I just pray that she continues to make wise choices and pursues her life in a healthy way.
I will be getting divorced…something that makes euphoria spring up in me like you wouldn’t believe.  I can finally (legally) get rid of his name.   I’ll finally be able to file bankruptcy & get all of this old garbage cleared up & start working toward a healthy new future.  I increased my flex spending account considerably so I will be able to hopefully get Maddie’s braces, get my teeth done, get everybody new glasses, etc etc.  You know, all the important stuff that you never want to spend money on.  On top of that all, we need a new car (at least new to us).
I would LOVE to take a vacation somewhere and have already promised Amelia that we would go to Disneyland in the next few months.
Basically, I just see really good things happening and am excited for it.  If I’m able to find a good, worthwhile boyfriend to squeeze in there somewhere, then that would be great too.  We’ll see what happens.


Jersey Shore

Has anyone else been watching "Jersey Shore" on MTV?

Easily the best & the worst tv all at the same time!
It really is awful,
but it's so cheesily awesome that I have to watch.

Well, Courtney & I just spent some time on the
Jersey Shore nickname generator
(google it!)
and searched out EVERYONE we know! lol

My Jersey Shore nickname is "Snickers",
which isn't too bad if you ask me.
Especially when considering that

Courtney's is "Vibe Time"
& Darren's is "The Impact"
& Maddie's is "The Position"
& Amelia's is "The Princess of Paramus"
& My Dad's is "K-Train"

The best though?
Of course it would be Collins!
"The Sausage Party"
I know he would think that's some funny shit right there.
Too bad he's not around to laugh at it!
Bummer for him.

But I'll laugh for the both of us,
because that IS some funny shit.


♥ veronica


Just when I think I've come across all the evil in the world....

We're sitting here watching the Nick Halo Awards
& heard the story of a young man who
was purposely injected with HIV
by his own FATHER
when he was 5 years old.

His parents were going through a divorce &
his dad didn't want to have to pay child support.

I'm speechless.

♥ veronica

Poor Jecca :(

Poor Jessica :(

Believe it or not,
she's sick again.

Her new & very expensive shunt
is not working
& she's going to have to have
surgery again in a few days.

Please pray for her.
She's very discouraged,
and her family is super-stressed out.

Keep our girl close to your thoughts please.

She came through surgery with flying colors!
Thanks for the continued prayers!

♥ veronica

Hidden reminders

When Allison had forwarded me some mail recently,
she stuck a little loving reminder inside the envelope.

It now hangs inside the door to my nightstand
where I can peek at it any time I need
reminding that someone out there loves me.
(Yes, she calls me "Soapie" for those who don't know. lol)
♥ veronica


Can I just say?


♥ veronica


I had seriously toyed with the idea
of going with a super-short bob.
I love that look & love when my hair is styled that way,
but I know that it is way too high-maintenance
for my tastes right now.
So I settled for a trim & a shape-up.
My layers had all but grown out to one length
(because I had planned to grow my hair out),
so I had some choppy layers put in to add some volume.
Nothing too drastic (like I had planned).

What. The. Hell. Is. This?

You're right Mom, I'll be having nightmares too.

♥ veronica

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