12.25.2009

I loved her first


It's a good thing I don't have my scanner hooked up or you'd all be subjected to the torture of an endless barrage of photo montages dedicated to my girl.  It's a good thing I'm not on the east coast right now, or she'd already be 18.  As it is, it's 11:24 pm and I'm turning into a basket case.  I have tried for weeks to talk myself off the ledge & turn it into a positive, but tonight as the clock counts down, all of the facades have been cast to the side whether I wanted it to be or not and filed under the label "lies I tell myself."  Simply put, I'm a mess.

For a while I tried asking myself why I should be upset or sad, but really there are so many reasons I don't know where to start.  First of all, let me say that I AM happy for her.  I am happy, excited, hopeful, optimistic...all of those positive words.  But it's a very bittersweet thing for me.  It's the end of an era...an era that I don't really want to end.  I know I'm the furthest thing from an empty nester, but it's the beginning.  They're going to go away.  My birds will leave the nest; and my heart already feels it coming.


Plus, when your kids are growing up, you always think you have so much time...time to get better at this whole parenting thing, time to fix all the damage you've done so that they don't have to spend their entire life savings someday on therapy, time to make sure that they know you love them...or how to check their oil, or how to make doctor's appointments, or how to properly do laundry or bake a cake...so many things.  Although I have gone out of my way to raise my kids to be independent for just those reasons, I still can't believe I'm out of time.  The buzzer just sounded and the game is over.  Oh, I know she's not moving out tomorrow or anything....but she could.  The only time I have with her now is borrowed and that makes my heart ache so bad that I can hardly see through the tears to type this.

We got in an argument a little while ago about her going to get a tattoo tomorrow.  I voiced my opinion.  Strongly.  And she pouted and went to bed, asking me to wake her up at midnight.  She can technically do anything she wants tomorrow but I can tell how torn she was because in her heart, she doesn't want to disappoint me...and that makes it even just a little bit harder for me, because she's not some pain-in-the-butt rebellious teenager....she's my little girl.  My little girl who loves her mom and wants to do the right thing.  Her heart is beautiful and she loves me...and I've loved her longer.  I loved her first.

*UPDATE*
At midnight I went into her room & we hugged, cried & prayed together.
I'm somewhat talked of the ledge,
but still quite emotional.
Go before her Lord.

xoxo
♥ veronica

Our wedding picture
2-16-90






Baby Courtney from Veronica H.





  Halloween 1992





Courtney & her "fa-fa"(s)...
she had a slight pacifier addiction & would always have one in her mouth
and at LEAST one spare on hand

 
Courtney & Allison
1993




2000




2001





2001 or 2





 2006




Braces off!
2007









Learning to drive
2008












2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Happy Birthday Beautiful Girl...Or I guess I should say Beautiful Woman.

Rachel

Anonymous said...

WOW! it sure is a good thing you didn't have the scanner hooked up! jk - I love the pictures. She is starting my 2nd generation of "growing ups" and moving aways. You get through it........

Love you, Mom

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