2.10.2006

Someone to watch over me

How does anyone keep their hearts safe out there in this world? It's so hard. I'm so horrible at dating! I stink at it. I'm just not a natural dater...I'm more of a relationship person... so I'm trying to figure this out as I go. I've been working for a long time trying to learn to pay attention to my alarm bells and to not settle. But...if you put on too much armor no one can get close to you either.

So the question is how do you know if it's going to be beautiful or just a beautiful disaster?

Allison and I have actually come up with a system of figuring out when to stay and when to go....I think it's going to work pretty good...but it still doesn't protect you from all pain. My heart is fighting me so bad about "getting out there". It just keeps screaming "stop it! What are you doing???" I want someone to watch over my heart. Someone that I can trust to hold my heart and not drop it. The problem also is this... is it possible to fully move on when your heart doesn't want to fully come with you? As a friend said to me the other day , "Just because you aren't into someone doesn't mean that you're out of them either." SO TRUE. I keep trying so hard to move forward and it is a constant struggle. I can think I'm sailing along just fine and then something will happen....and my first thought/gut reaction is to want to run & hide in the arms of the person that my heart feels at home with. Then almost instantly the realization comes to me that "oh yeah, he hurt me the worst." I'm left emotionally sitting there on my knees with my hands in my lap and tears in my eyes.

I just wanna go home....and there isn't any home anymore.

It's just me, and hopefully someday that will be okay, but it's a tough journey to get to that point. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get there.

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