2.21.2006

Insomnia volume 3,487,595,595


Surprise, surprise. It's 5:03 am and I can't sleep. I decided not to take an ambien tonight just because I hate pills and am so stubborn that I'm my own worst enemy. So tonight I am in the ambien-free zone and am paying the price for it. What is it that keeps me awake? Hour after hour? I mean I have a great bed...... I HEART MY BED!!! lol It is one of the few things in my life that I can say I spent an actual large sum of money on and have never regretted one penny. I have a very peaceful bedroom. My stress level really is at an all-time low right now (in the grand scheme of things anyways). I'm not really all that physically miserable...a little achey, but not too bad. I should be able to sleep.

When I realized I wasn't going to be getting too sleepy I turned off the music and the monitor and all the lights. I decided I was going to lay in the dark and just GO TO SLEEP. I was laying down the law. Well, that just lets my brain take over! lol I lay there and my mind goes crazy thinking about EVERYTHING under the sun. I can plan vacations, decorate rooms, plan outfits, decide what I'm going to say to people and practice the conversation, make a to-do list, etc., etc, etc. There's no end. So what was my next brilliant idea? lol I decided to try and meditate myself to sleep. Just lay there and try my hardest to not think about anything. PSSSSHHHHHH YEAH RIGHT! hahahahahahahaha

"okay just let your mind go blank ........quiet...................................................................................................................'be still and know that he is God '(steven curtis chapman song starting in my head).....no, shhhhhhhhhh, relax........quiet.......you need to sleep. What time is it anyways? No, shhhhhhhhhh. Oh you should totally pack that one shirt for Allisons that you never wear, it's your favorite!"

So I pop up out of bed and run to my closet to dig out my favorite shirt and set it somewhere that I won't forget about it. Okay back to bed. Lights off.

"Okay, now you can settle down and go to sleep. Ahhhhhh, quiet. Let your mind go.....................................................................you know you should really go pee before you go to sleep, you know you'll just wake up in an hour to go."

Pop up and go to the bathroom. On the way back check the thermostat and make sure the little ones are covered up good. Grumble about their messy bedroom on my way back to my room. Back to bed.

"You've really got to quiet down now. Let it all go......think of peaceful darkness...... drifting off.............................................................................. Boy their room was messy! My parents are coming in three days, I'd better spend tomorrow cleaning! And shopping! I need a new bag to pack my clothes in. I wonder if I can find any jeans on sale. I love my new boots. OOOOOOOOHHHH, they'll go great with my shirt! Yay!"

Turn on light, make shopping list. Program alarm in my phone to remind me to go shopping..... and to clean..... (duh, because I'll be too tired tomorrow to remember on my own! lol). Oh yeah, while I have my phone out I might as well check my horoscope. Nothing else to do afterall. Okay, lights out.

"Go to sleep, go to sleep............. I should start doing yoga again. it's been so long since I've regularly worked out, it's time. Time to get back in shape......I bet I can't even touch my toes anymore!.......Man Veronica will you shut up!!! Forget it....... I wonder if I got any email."

Pop up and here I sit. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I am my own worst enemy. How do you shut off your brain???????

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