To be known

Don't believe it when people lie to you and say that the first year of marriage is supposed to be all bliss and's HHHHAAAAAAARRRRRDDDDDDD. Hard hard hard. Not soon after you say "I do" and move in together you realize....boy are we different! And that's not really a good thing because we innately are drawn to those most like us (You also need to ignore the "opposites attract" crap that some people sling! You might like it at first, but everything you love and are attracted to will quickly start to get on your nerves!).

I always thought the best thing about being married was that I would be "known". Meaning that I love the idea of someone knowing that I like my coffee with some milk and 3 sugars, that Earl Grey is my favorite tea, Tresor is my favorite perfume, I like very clean/classic lines verses trendy clothing. I would much rather spend a day in a museum than outdoors camping, etc. anyday. That the biggest turn-on for me is to give me some good "brain" and engage me in a conversation/debate...when I feel that you are interested in the part of me that's between my ears then you get the rest of me freely and with gusto. I'm a germophobe and I hate the feeling of paper. I have no desire to go to California...not even for a day...for years I've carried on a long-distance love affair with NYC. I'm a sucker for Italian food and for most any kind of sweet dessert....especially caramel. I'm a terrible flirt and my greatest joy would be to pounce on my man like a sex-kitten the minute I see him. I love the theatre and swing music. I adore black painted furniture, and a man wearing cologne. That's the me that I like and how I want to be known.

Instead I'm known for other things in his eyes...we don't get to pick when someone gets to know us what they choose to focus on. All of you is thrust out there naked and vulnerable and unfortunately it is so easy to focus on the negative vs. the positive. I think he's ignored the whole good list and has chosen to only see that I'm not a morning person, that I don't argue well, that I have big issues with giving up control, that trust is one of the biggest issues I have and that I don't deal well with deceit. My kids used to (and still do) get the biggest punishment for lying. I would tell them that "lying is the kiss of death...satan is the father of lies." Because of this if I'm going to say something it's going to be the truth or I'm not going to say anything. This comes off as me being closed up and building walls (because I'm keeping my mouth shut to try and be nice) or if I'm asked "what's wrong" enough times I'm going to say. That gets me in trouble because I'm too honest. I'm a firm believer in "don't ask questions you don't really want answers to." This being said, if you didn't accept my polite "I'm ok, don't worry about it" and keep asking then you're going to get an answer. And you're probably not going to like it. Let me tell you, someone who can't take criticism/anything negative about themselves and someone who is all about honesty and analyzing/growing & getting better make for some pretty "interesting" conversation!! I'm also a huge believer in finishing what you start and keeping to your word. I don't make alot of promises because I know that if I do I have to follow through. Mix that with someone who thinks that means nothing (so I changed my what?) and that can also get pretty nasty. He then claims I'm controlling and I say his word means nothing and he can't be trusted. He thinks I see it as all about me and I think the same thing about him. I think he's hugely selfish. He sees himself as perfect and I see him as very mean and hurtful when he's angry....just like me. We aren't so different really, he just likes to think we are with me on my pedestal and him over there on his high-horse. When we've been "disconnected" for a while he needs to be intimate in order to feel connected again and I can't be intimate UNTIL I feel connected again or I just feel used and insulted.

What's the solution to this mess? I sit here and shrug my shoulders because I'm so clueless. I really have no idea. I know I've been married before, but honestly those were marriages of convenience. I wanted out of the house, I needed taken care of, etc. There was no working on those...they were doomed to fail from the start. This is different. I want him. I love him. I want this to work so bad. I want people to look for me in 25 years and see that I'm still married to the same man. I want to start seeing the "him" that he wants to be known for, instead of the "him" that I'm choosing to see. I know the Lord will bless this and can strengthen and change us as individuals...I just wish he'd hurry up!!! Seriously Lord, please save us from ourselves. Help us survive this hard part and teach us how to love and serve each other the way we are supposed to. I trust you Lord, I just don't trust myself...or not make a bigger mess of this.Because of all of this, I want to try and focus on the positive. Here are ten things I love about my husband and my marriage....

He laughs so easily
His dark hair
When he has stubble on his face
That he takes care of me
That he wants to be a father to my children
That he's so handy with just about everything
That he's trying to quit smoking
That he quit drinking
That he is a Christian
That he's starting to try to come out of his shell as a Christian with more boldness

**and a pinch to grow an inch....*** that he was the best kiss of my life and was still on my mind nearly twenty years later.

I love you babe...."keep holding my hand so we don't get separated..."