7.06.2007

Ok again


Like stepping out of the shower on a hot day and then standing wet in front of a fan....refreshing, comforting...that's what today feels like.


I always say "boy I'm never gonna go through that again!!", and then the next month it sneaks up on me quietly and calmly just like a predator stalking it's prey. It grabs me and pulls me down so fast and furiously it leaves me reeling and my head spinning. My head pounding, my body physically exhausted and my spirit drained. Humbled by the sheer magnitude of the internal crisis I just went through and lying in a crumpled heap at the father's feet. I don't smoke. I've never done drugs. I don't drink (well does a drink every couple of years count as drinking? Not really.). I don't have the conventional "tools" that satan can use to cause chaos in my life. Instead his poison boils down to three letters.... p.m.s.


I never thought I suffered from p.m.s. until the last couple of years because I always thought that meant you had to get "bitchy"...and I don't. Don't get me wrong, I can get in plenty of arguments, but they're always based out of rejection, depression and desperation. It wasn't until the last few years that I actually got to spend some time with myself for the first time ever and started getting to know ME that I started to recognize the pattern. It only lasts for a day, sometimes two and every once in a while will slip by without much pomp and circumstance. Then there are other months like this one, where this tsunami of blackness swallows me up. When I look back I can see it sneaking up for a couple of days. A little more melancholy. A little less smiling. Feeling more lonely. Not as optimistic. Then it can be as simple as a comment made to me....anything, really. Then the dam breaks and there I am being taken whole. It's at that point that I know that I know that I know that I am unloved, that my life is hopeless, that I would rather be anywhere but on this earth.


Yesterday I got set off when out of nowhere I heard Amelia taking her new toy that she got at Cedar Point (that wasn't cheap) and smashing it as hard as she could onto the dining room floor...for no reason. Just decided to smash it. My feelings were so hurt by this because if she only knew how much I couldn't really afford that toy for her, but wanted to do something special, etc. And the shock of it all....she NEVER does things like that. EVER. She is so well-behaved and obedient and she did this? I had to discipline her and that was enough. I was a well of tears all day long. Gut-wrenching sobs and swollen eyes. Head pounding. Doesn't it sound like a PERFECT time to pick a fight/start a deep discussion with me? Yeah, I think so too. But for some reason my wonderful husband thought it looked like a great time. So by the time I went to work last night I was really holding on by my fingernails.


To look back on it through emotionally sober eyes, nothing ever seems like as big of a deal as it is when you're going through the midst of it...but when you're in the middle of the storm it's overwhelming. I thought thoughts last night that I haven't thought in a long time. Never totally seriously....but they were there. And I heard myself praying that God would let me go. Let me be done. And then as cliche as it sounds..... I was standing between my girls' beds holding their hands and saying their prayers with them and I could literally feel them holding me down. Not with their hands...but spiritually. When my spirit was claiming defeat and wanting to drift away I could feel them holding me. That sounds insane, I know. The best way I can think of to describe it is where in the Bible it talks about a woman touching the hem of Jesus' garment and some of his annointing flowed out of him and into her...and he could feel it. He stopped and said "somebody touched me". I could feel some spiritual warfare going on in that room. When I couldn't fight for myself, I was being fought for...and where two or more are gathered together in his name, there he was in the midst.


Scott had made a cd unbeknownst to me and stuck it in my van's cd player so that it came on when I went to work and one of the songs on it was "Praise you in this storm" by Casting Crowns. Nothing coincidental about that! The line that says


"I'll praise You in this storm And I will lift my hands For You are who You are No matter where I am Every tear I've cried You hold in Your hand You never left my side And though my heart is torn I will praise You in this storm"


really got me. I just kept praying and praising and begging for help. I got to work and everyone asked me why my face was so red when I walked in and someone who I'm not even close to came up behind me and said "I don't know what's wrong but you really need this hug...". People sent me messages and lots of things like that. I really appreciate that. I really do. You have no idea.


Today I came home face still swollen and eyes still red. Head still pounding. You know the kind of nasty hangover that comes from a day of binge crying. Well, I kept praying. Kept praising. And went to sleep. God in his infinite mercy let me wake up slowly starting to feel like myself again. The fog had lifted. Glory! It scares me to death sometimes....the power of that thing they call "depression". After Darren was born I was told I had a touch of the "baby blues".... HA!!! Not. Not that I would've ever done these things mind you, but several years later when I saw the stories on the news of mothers in a depressed psychosis doing harm and then hearing Brooke Shields story.... I UNDERSTOOD. I with my whole heart and soul understand what it is to be that low. And now I just get a glimpse. Every month or so. Just a small taste. And it is a place that constantly humbles me and leaves me in awe of the power of forces unseen. It's a time when I need prayer and positive energy sent my way more than any other time.


Thank you. You all know who you are. My prayer warriors. I truly do love every one of you...I owe my everything to you. Don't ever underestimate the power of prayer. Ever. Go before me Lord.


I'm ok again.

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