11.18.2005

Unbroken

So here I am again. Most of you know about it. For those that don't, last night was an ugly, ugly, painful night. I was accused of something really ugly and hurtful by a friend and put in a position that left me no options but to strike back. I am so heartbroken. Sometimes that word is thrown around a bit carelessly but I seem to have had my share of heartbrokenness lately...and today I am so sad I don't know what to say. I know at least one other person that is feeling this kind of pain right now. She's hurting probably worse than I am and unfortunately she's lashing out at me. She's my friend. I love her. I tried to protect her but it didn't work and now there's pain. Pain caused by an ignorant, mean-spirited, selfish, malicious person. A person that we both trusted and who let us down so hard that we landed with a big crash.

Why does this overall situation seem so familiar? I know that everytime something bad happens it doesn't mean I did something wrong to deserve punishment. Sometimes crap just happens...but it seems that I am consistently being faced with the same kind of people. I'm pretty much able to spot 'em when I see 'em like I've been writing about, but the problem is that I'm still not acting on protecting myself right away. I'm ignoring my alarm bells. Even if it's not as much as before I'm still doing it to one point or another. I've heard compromise described as "going just a tiny bit below what you know is right." It's lowering your standards and accepting even just a tiny bit less than your gut is telling you that you should. We all tend to think that the little things don't really matter...but God is in the details.... or not. I have to admit that I compromised in this situation. I allowed some conversation (although totally innocent) that should have never happened. Entertained someone through politeness because I didn't want to offend them or seem rude. I totally compromised. Just a tiny bit. Now that tiny compromise has turned into a titanic disaster. One that will probably NEVER be fixed.

Today my blast says "experience is when you know what to expect the next time you screw up in the same way." So true. I can see that each time I compromise in the same way my mistake gets proportionately smaller. 12 years ago I compromised by letting the evil one into my life.... HUGE, HUGE, HUGE mistake.....all the way up to this current situation which was like a little "oops" where I really didn't blatantly do anything wrong....but my consequences are still huge because God's been trying to teach me about this for a long time. I don't want to look at this situation and play victim... I want to look at this and say "what can I learn from this...why did this happen?" And I know that for one thing it's because I really have got to stop compromising for fear of offending someone. Secondly, I need to deal with the abuse issues from my past.

Last night I wept over the guilt that I felt. I felt so dirty and shameful. Allison kept saying, "why do you feel guilty??? You didn't do anything wrong???" So I started examining that. Why did I feel so guilty? It's because I tend to perceive myself at times by the negativity of the different messages I've received over the years and the events of my past. I was told that I was so many different ugly and dirty things by the evil one that even though I know he's a complete IDIOT, those words tend to sometimes rear their ugly little heads in my conscience sometimes. If you hear that garbage for long enough a part of you starts to believe it after a while and everytime I think that I'm past it.... I'm shown that NOPE.... I still have trouble seeing myself as the righteousness of Christ. I know that none of that garbage I've been told is true. I know that I am a beautiful, smart, loyal, funny, giving, passionate, feminine woman. Maybe that's why God keeps allowing me to face these abusive jerks every now and then...so that I can continue to be pruned of all the dead stuff so that I can bear fruit. Still, sometimes enough is enough and God never gives me more than I can handle. He shields me when it is going to be too much. Last night this creep kept leaving me nasty voice mails on my phone and my alarm bells were going off... big time. I could not bring myself to listen to them.... no way. I just knew I wasn't supposed to and I obeyed. So Allison offered to call my voicemail from her house and screen them for me.... and thank God she did. She said she almost deleted at least one of them because she instantly thought to herself, "this is something that she does not need to hear." I never did listen to any of them....deleted them all. Not only am I going to work to get that garbage out of me... I refuse to feed it. Anything will die if you just don't feed it... so I will not ever knowingly allow that garbage in my ears again. Garbage in, garbage out. I thank God that as he teaches me and weeds out people that don't belong in my life that he also has friends there that are ever-lasting. Friends that are willing to help you at 2 in the morning, listen to voicemails and defend your honor. I've had a song running through my head this evening that reminds me of this.... Unbroken by Zoegirl. Here are the lyrics.

Fallen to pieces
(I am undone)
The things you said
(Manipulation)
I trusted you like a fool
While you made all the rules
So you searched me out
And you took me down

To be unbroken, what would that be?
If words that were spoken, had not shattered me
If I was unbroken, I’d never know
The beauty of hope, and how far grace will go
To be unbroken
To be unbroken

The things you found
(To use against me)
Have lost their sound
(Where mercy and truth meet)
I fell to the Father’s feet
His words washed all over me
And all the scars you made
Watch them fade away

To be unbroken, what would that be?
If words that were spoken, had not shattered me
If I was unbroken, I’d never know
The beauty of hope, and how far grace will go
To be unbroken
To be unbroken

I’ve tasted bitter, tasted sweet
Embraced the victory, and some defeat
I’ve tasted bitter, tasted sweet
I found the beauty in the place they meet

To be unbroken, what would that be?
If words that were spoken, had not shattered me
If I was unbroken, I’d never know
The beauty of hope, and how far grace will go

To be unbroken, what would that be?
If words that were spoken, had not shattered me
If I was unbroken, I’d never know
The beauty of hope, and how far grace will go
To be unbroken
To be unbroken

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