11.02.2005

The break is over

Well my break time is over. All I want is to be my nice, happy-go-lucky self again!!! Good sense of humor, laughing.... not too much to ask for!! Well, I had a nice couple of days off but today God started by tapping me on the shoulder and then he allowed me to be punched in the gut. First of all let me say that I've been overwhelmingly reminded how fortunate I am. My daughter made it through. She didn't get pregnant, beat up, or physically maimed. Emotional trauma is bad. It's effects can last a lifetime. But anyone that knows my children knows how incredibly good God is. How merciful he was. How amazingly intact Courtney came through everything that happened. That isn't lost on me. I KNOW how lucky she is and I am.

Today I got a glimpse of where the main root of this depression and anger is that's been springing up for the last few months. For the last three years I have been just so grateful to have gotten out of that situation, my kids healthy, threw that bastard in prison... it was time to move on! He was to get NO MORE of my attention!!! I was naiive (what else is new) to think that it could be so easy.

Today I got a double-whammy. It started when Courtney came home from school. I could tell she was fighting back tears when she came in and she immediately walked in and said "mom, guess what. One of my friends at school was raped a few months ago by a family member and they just found out last night that she's pregnant with his baby. She JUST turned thirteen." My heart immediately cried out "oh my God". I grabbed Courtney and just held her. All I could get out to her was "this should remind us just how fortunate we are." That poor girl. Thirteen and pregnant with your rapist/family members baby! Her poor parents. This is one of those moments when the holy spirit has to make intercession for me because I can't come up with words. The tears stream because I am so utterly heartbroken for her, and for me, and for my daughter, and for every single other girl and boy who have fallen prey to pedophiles.... and all my soul can utter is "Oh my God...Oh my God".

So then I decided to watch Oprah...because I was hoping to lighten my mood a little. I saw that Ricky Martin was on today but I didn't hear why. I was just thinking yum-yum.... Ricky Martin!!! So I got through about five minutes of the show before I had to turn it off for a while. It was on child sex trafficking and child rape. I made it to the part where they were describing how the younger the girl, the more money they could earn for her. They were taking girls as young as five years old and enslaving them. After a man would pay to steal their virginity their tiny baby bodies would be so destroyed that they would have to be sewn up....and then they could sell them as a virgin all over again. oh my God. oh my God. oh my God. oh my God. oh my God.

Even as I'm writing this I have to keep stopping because I am so overwhelmed with emotion that I don't know what to do with myself. I am so mad! I am so absolutely infuriated that these defenseless little ones............MY DAUGHTER INCLUDED......... get preyed upon. Used for some greedy, self-centered bastards dirty needs. My heart is so broken I can't even speak. This is it. This is the root. I've found it. I can feel every single emotion that I've been getting a glimpse of bursting forth. I was pregnant with it and now I'm giving birth. It's had three years to grow.

I know I have to get it out but my first instinct is to shove it back in. I don't want to deal with it. It's overwhelming and powerful. Damn him!!!!! How could he betray me that way????? How could he hurt her that way???? Disgusting, selfish, inconsiderate, destructive bastard! Plenty of people hurt their spouses or other adults....that's bad enough. HOW CAN ANYONE PURPOSEFULLY, WILLFULLY, MALICIOUSLY HURT A BABY?!?!?!?!?! And she was a baby! Eight years old is when it started. A baby. I swore when I first found out that I would let God and the courts handle it and I did. Anyone that physically tried or wanted to harm him...I talked them out of it. Vengeance isn't mine.... unfortunately. But today I think I'm feeling exactly what they were feeling that night. That cold winters night that we found out and they were scouring the streets searching for him. The searing pain that they were feeling overriding any sense of rational thought they could have. Today I'm feeling it too. I'm telling you, it's a good thing for him that he's locked up safe in a prison because tonight I think I could do him harm. This goes back to the other day when I was talking about how given the right set of circumstances I think anyone could do anything. From day one I never wished harm on him. I wished punishment and humiliation.... but I knew that physical harm wasn't the answer. Well I'm feeling it today and it's scary to me. These are feelings totally foreign to me. I know that I need to go through this grieving process in order to heal properly so that I can move on and have the amazing life that I know is in store for me... but the strength and power of this is really frightening. Frightening but necessary. I put his prison photo on here I found online.... doesn't he look HORRIBLE??? He looks horrible and miserable... good. That's a start!

I don't know how to deal with the feelings, but God does. Just getting them down and venting them has already helped I can tell. I'm feeling lighter and have more peace already. I know I'm only just beginning, but the only way to get through something is to go through it right? I can't believe I thought I was done with this! lol Recognition is half the battle. So let's do it... I have on my armor.

Lord please help me.

Psalm 34:17-18 "The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. "

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