11.10.2005

Barf session!!!

ok.... I'm having a big barf session..... I just need to let it alllllll out!!!!!

Have I said lately that I CAN'T STAND MY EX HUSBAND??????????? Cause if not.... let me say it now! I CANNOT STAND MY EX HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!! What an arrogant, smug, inconsiderate, uncaring, selfish, short-sighted narrow-minded ASSHOLE!!!

For those of you who don't know.... my son was diagnosed with childhood bipolar disorder. He has RAGING mood swings and had gotten to the point where I was fearing for people's safety. So he's been on trileptal (which is actually an anti-seizure medication but has been found to work for children with bipolar to control their mood swings) for probably at least a year now. This med WORKED MIRACLES!!! It really was a lifesaver around here. The problem the whole time he's been on it is that my wonderful ex-asshole thinks that Darren has never needed the med and that there is nothing wrong with Darren (because he's just a perfect little angel who's fallen under the horrible care of a wicked mother.... geez!). Darren typically doesn't act the he normally does around Randy too much..... for two reasons, I believe (and were backed up by his therapist)....1: RANDY IS HARDLY EVER AROUND!!! Duh! He usually leaves in the evening by five oclock and comes home between midnight and four in the morning. This happens at least 4-5 days a week. 2: Darren doesn't trust that Randy won't leave again. He feels safe with me so he isn't on guard around me, hence different behavior. But even if he wasn't seeing it at first... I'm telling him the behavior is there. My other children are telling him the behavior is there. During therapy the counselor had to stop the sessions and call Randy at work to tell him "I'm sorry but you need to be here because I have never seen a boy so out of control and frankly I'm at a loss as to what to do with him. He's obviously changing his behavior around you and pitting one parent against the other.... so you need to be here to witness this and participate." Nope... still "nothing wrong with Darren." So this has been the constant battle. I've even caught him encourage D. to not take his pills and hide it from me. Ugggh! Just saying that makes me mad at him!

So here's the issue now. A week or so ago Darren was having dizzy spells. He was acting totally stoned is what it looked like. A little groggy, bad balance....drunk looking basically. Well, his Dr. had given me a little bit of leeway when it came to the dosage. Because I'm a nurse I know all of the safety stuff, not to give too much, not to wean too fast, blah, blah, blah. My first question was "have you been taking your medicine like you're supposed to?" "Yes Mom." Why am I not believing him? So of course Randy's in my face yelling, "you're such a bad mother! he doesn't need any medication!" (Let me just remind everyone....as if I need to...... that to tell someone they are a bad mother....especially one who has faught so dilligently and sacrificed so much for her kids..... ARE MAJOR FIGHTING WORDS.) So we had it out. I agreed to taper darren down to half the dose he was on (which is still a good dose), but I also took him to the regular medical doctor for a checkup. He thinks he has an ear infection maybe (which would cause dizziness, etc.) and gave him a RX for antibiotic. Never get it filled because by the time we get to the car Darren is bouncing all over the place, laughing, says he feels great and he'll go to school. Fine. Last I ever heard about it. BUT I ALSO STARTED WATCHING HIM LIKE A HAWK ABOUT TAKING THOSE PILLS! one in the morning. one at night. That was a week ago. No symptoms. So I started to let my guard down a little bit. Shrugged my shoulders and moved on. Who knows what happened.

So this morning I get up and Darren is not gone for school and is crying while he's eating his breakfast. Before I could even ask what was wrong Randy pounces on me that it's happening again and "I know it's that fucking medicine!". And I reply "OR LACK THEREOF!" I asked Darren if he's slacked up on taking the med since I haven't been watching him the last few days.... "yes mom." I tell him I'm having a really hard time believing it. Randy's screaming at me "he SHOULD'T be taking the medicine! He SHOULD be taking it and flushing it down the toilet! And I refuse to let him take it anymore! YOU'RE JUST A HORRIBLE MOTHER WHO DOESN'T WANT HIM AROUND SO YOU THINK THAT IF YOU DOPE HIM UP ENOUGH HE'LL JUST GO TO SLEEP AND NEVER HAVE TO LOOK AT HIM AGAIN!" So what happened next???? Yep, you guessed it. You know that normally cool, calm and collected composure that i have? NOPE! GONE! GLOVES CAME OFF!!!!! We went at it. How dare him say those things to me!!! I would die for my children!!! In fact, I love Darren SO MUCH that I am willing to 1: risk the social embarrassment that most parents would feel by admitting that their child has psychiatric issues, 2: put him on medication ( YA'LL KNOW HOW I HATE MEDICINE!!), 3: inconvenience myself with weekly or twice weekly trips to counseling and dr's, etc. All of this because I refuse to let him fall through the cracks! He's a great kid underneath all of this crap... and I refuse to lose him to the detention hom, prison, drugs, alcohol, etc. because of this. It needed addressed, fixed and we needed to move on with normal lives. But Randy refused to let it happen.

I'm so tired. Just so tired. Tired of dealing with it all. Darren totally takes his Dads side (of course... what kid wants to be told this is wrong with him?). There are so many times I want to throw my hands up and scream FINE! TAKE HIM AND GO!!! I'M DONE!!! But the mother in me won't allow my boy to be hurt like that.

So this morning through all of the yelling... I did just that....I threw my hands up and screamed "FINE!!! you want him off the meds.... fine!!!! I'm done!!!!" Then I told Darren that he CANNOT just abruptly stop taking them, he needs to wean off. So for now... 1/2 pill in morning, 1/2 at night. Then down again. No, Randy starts screaming at me that he's not allowing him to take any more of them PERIOD. I asked him if he knew what that could do! You cannot just stop these kinds of meds!!! He says to me "NOTHING is going to happen to a perfectly healthy boy just because you stop a medicine that he didn't need in the first place!" I remind him that I'm a nurse but he could care less. So I look at him as calmly as I've ever been and say quietly to him.... "fine, but if he gets worse before he gets better...... if ANYTHING happens to my son....... this is on YOUR CONSCIENCE."

I was FURIOUS.

So I looked up on the internet the symptoms of trileptal withdrawal... showed them to Randy...... and he just stammered like an idiot, "uh uh uh even if he's already dizzy and having trouble? you really think maybe he should have more?" I replied "I think he's having symptoms because he's ALREADY NOT TAKING THE MEDICINE! and I also think this is because he's a: dehydrated and b: has an ear infection. So hot shot, here is the prescription for antibiotics that never got filled.... give him some fluids and get this filled..... this is in your hands now remember? YOU FIX IT."

What an incredible jerk. I'm so fed up I don't know what to do with myself! Because of the financial trouble I've had this year I've had some late payments and so my credit has suffered.... can't refinance now!!! I tried last week. I just want to get my children and get out. This is just another fine example of when we think we know what's best for ourselves and God keeps saying "no"... but we keep on asking trying to convince him that it will be ok. Then he finally gives us enough rope to hang ourselves. I don't know what I was thinking buying a house with him. AN EX IS AN EX FOR A REASON!

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