11.01.2005

Just breathe

It's been two days now and still nothing. Let me think again..... nope, still nothing. Nothing biting at my conscience, nothing brooding in my soul, no pressing issues I've gotta get out in this blog.... nothing. Is it possible that God is letting me "be still" for a while? It's awesome! After day-in and day-out dealing with such intense emtions lately to have a few days off is amazing. Watching Oprah yesterday though, I've already been told what the next subjects to think about are. Who are the ones in my life that have been toxic and done the most damage? And even bigger and badder than that..... Who am I? Not what am I.... but WHO am I? Those are gonna take some thought. I think one of the reasons that I've been so hard on myself is because.... when am I gonna learn??? There are no "do-over"s in this life.... only new situations we're put in that are essentially the same as the old ones and we are tested to see if we will do better or do the right thing this time around. That's as close to a do-over as the Lord allows us. So when am I gonna start passing my tests??? I graduated from nursing school for crying out loud!!!!! Do you know how hard that is??? I can save people's lives but I still can't tell the difference between a storm cloud and one with a silver lining until I'm standing underneath of it getting rained on then trying to figure out where the rain came from. Everytime I think that I'm so much smarter, so much wiser... that will never happen to me again!!! Yeah right! I pull a Britney Spears and end up singing "Oops I did it again!!!" And you know what? Now that I'm thinking about it, I really have gotten better at spotting those wolves in sheeps clothing. The problem is that I still have a problem with trusting my gut and listening to the voice telling me that I'm looking at trouble. What does that stem from? Am I afraid of rejection? Am I afraid of hurting people's feelings? Am I afraid that I'm being judgemental? Probably all of the above in one way or another. But I've been working on it. Actually, I think I did pass a test recently. I'll probably never know for sure. But there was a guy at work (another cop, OF COURSE....) and I felt the alarm bells going off inside of me. So I didn't give him a second thought. Even after he came to the floor looking for me, called me, etc. Nope, no good, I can tell.... so I steered clear of that mess. Now how do I know if I was being overly cautious and totally missed out on an awesome guy? Unfortunately I will never know. Maybe he was my night in shining armor and I knocked him off of his horse! All I know is that somethings gotta change. If you want different results, you've gotta stop using the same old recipe. And the recipe I've been using is no good.... leads to heart break every time. I need to learn to see abusers (in whatever form they are coming in) from a mile away. Not all abusers are physical abusers or verbal abusers. Some don't do it on purpose, they're just wounded and broken right now themselves. They are just someone who are going to damage you. They're fighting so many inner demons that you're going to end up with battle wounds too. Maybe they're cheaters (and there's more than just sexual cheating). Maybe they're controllers. Maybe they're liars. In whatever form they're in... I need to be able to spot them. AND I NEED TO BE WILLING TO WALK AWAY AS SOON AS I SPOT THEM, because I really do spot them alot of the time and just talk myself out of my alarm bells because I think I'm just overreacting. I need to start applying all of the old cliches to my life... if there's smoke , there's fire. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck.... it's a duck. And if it's the most charming, flattering, casinova-type guy you've ever seen .......... RUN FORREST RUN!!!!!!! That is trouble in it's purest form and you can be sure there's not going to be ANY hit-and-miss with that.....it's going to be pain every single time! One thing Pastor taught me before he died was that there's a true difference between praise and flattery. Praise is earned and deserved. It's from someone who's had a chance to know you and is complimenting you on things that you honestly deserve. Flattery is just mouth-service. From someone you know or don't know at all.... it's compliments and just a bunch of talk. You can always tell who's alarm bells are working correctly by watching people respond to flattery. There are usually two reactions. People who are ignoring their alarms and when they hear flattery....they get flattered. They smile, they blush, maybe a little embarrassed... but they get sucked in like a vortex! Then there are those that when someone is trying to lay it on thick tend to roll their eyes and say "Dude, whatever!!! O.k. Rico-suave.... keep moving!" LOL

No comments:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...