1.17.2011

I got this....

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us
And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger
God You are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, awesome in power
Our God, Our God…

Those are the words that initiated what I feel will be a monumental change my life.

Standing in a dark auditorium, singing words that I've sung many times, I felt God using those words in a way he never had before.  Let me back up a little.

It's no secret to those who know me, that 2011 is a scary year for me.  The Evil One gets out of prison this December.  How has the time gone so fast?  I hope it didn't go that fast for him.  I hope every day he spent rotting in a cell felt like an eternity for him.  They transferred him to different prisons several times during this past eight years for his own protection... pedophiles aren't looked upon too kindly in prison.  What makes me sad is that he has been at the same facility for several years now.  Does that mean he's having an easy time of it now?  I hope not.

He gets out this year.  Not until December, so I know he has nearly a year left, but this is still 2011, the year he gets out.  I always knew it would kind of rock my boat when it arrived.  I'm terrified of his release date.  He is dangerous.  He is evil.  He has no concept of boundaries.  No concept of right or wrong.  I often wonder just how my world will change come this December.  Did he actually learn something in prison?  Or did it just make him meaner?  Will he leave us alone?  Or will he find us and take my children?  Stalk us?  Crawl through one of our windows?  Go to their schools?  Follow me and hurt me?  Will I have to defend myself?  Will we have to live in fear?  Will there be a showdown?  God knows how dangerous that will be, because when it comes to defending myself or my kids, I'm the one who knows no boundaries.  I'm like a chihuahua standing nose to nose with a pit bull.  I don't know how to cower, I only know how to defend fiercely, and that can be dangerous.

As you can imagine, this is a major issue in my life and I do tend to obsess on it a bit.  Not on purpose, it just is what it is.  Dealing with the post traumatic stress that I was left with after getting away with him leaves me scanning the horizon at all times looking for oncoming danger.  It is something that I am acutely aware of at all times, even while I'm sleeping.  Although, I do have to say that I think I'm much, much better than I used to be.  I do.  Since starting therapy last year, even though we haven't totally dove into all of these issues yet (we were waiting until after the holidays), I still feel that it has helped significantly.  Anyways, these prayers of protection are often like broken records playing in my head and I always wonder what God knows that I don't.  How is this going to play out?

Fast forward to Sunday morning, standing in church singing.  Although I was surrounded by hundreds of people, as soon as the words of this song left my lips, I knew they were for me.  God spoke to my heart in a loud way and spoke these lyrics directly to this issue.  These familiar words from Romans 8:31, "...If God be for us, who can be against us?"  You know the old joke about when you read a fortune cookie, you should follow it up with "in bed"?  For example, "You will find great fortune [in bed]", "You will find many great people in this world [in bed]."  Well, God was doing the same thing with these lyrics.  I heard "Our God is greater [than the evil one], Our God is stronger [than the evil one]," etc etc.  I could hear Him speaking peace into my soul.  Peace be still.  I could feel Him telling me that I can be as afraid as I choose to be or try to control this myself, but either way, He's got this.  He is bigger and stronger.  And He's on my side.  And if our God be for me, then who could be against me?

No matter how I handle it or react to it, He's got it under control.  I started crying as the truth of that began to sink into my spirit.  He's got it.  I'm only afraid because the future is so unknown.  However, He's not afraid.  He's got this.  I hear him saying it, and I can feel it beginning to change me.  Now I just have to work on really grasping the reality of that and getting rid of the fear.  It's time to get to work.  The battle approaches.


lurve you, xoxo v.

1 comment:

Allison said...

Love love love that song....and it's perfect for your situation. :)

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