breathe in....breathe out.....
His hands smell like a mixture of cigarettes and dirt. Normally I would snap at him to stop touching me with dirty hands, but I sincerely want to stop being so neurotic. I normally keep the OCD thing pretty well hidden, but it's when I'm really stressed, tired and cranky that it shines it's brightest.
He was sitting behind me in the van (because Courtney was driving) and reaching up to rub my shoulders neck and head. I've been beating myself up lately because I'm SOOOOOOO critical of him. I don't mean to be. I don't. But it's when he's the most affectionate and willing to please that I am the most steeled against him--because that means he's manic. And I have been burned so many times with his mania that I find myself repulsed by him instead of grateful for and receptive to the kind things that he is doing for me.
I don't like that and I hope God heals that for me at some point. I hope that I LET him heal it and don't hold onto it as a defense mechanism to keep from being hurt again.
He just came in and gave me a foot rub--with lotion! How can I be so mean? When he was finished I said to him, "Thank you for being so sweet even when I am tired, cranky and don't want to be bothered." I can't delve into the depths of why I'm bothered with him, but he still doesn't deserve to be snapped at and shut out the way I tend to do when he's like this. He'll probably read about it here anyways. I AM grateful for the fact that he is much more patient with me than I am with him.