9.07.2010

Alejandro....



I had to drive over there today.  By "there" I mean the other side of town.  It sounds kind of silly to say that there has so many reminders of you, but it does.

This side of town I'm kind of numb to.  I'm accustomed to driving these streets and aren't really affected by them anymore.  Do you know that although I am a mere two blocks away most days, I have never driven by your house?  Never.  It seems natural that I would, but really why would I?   To stare at the empty space and let it confirm that yes, you are really gone.  You really up & moved so so far away.  No.  I'm not trying to purposely emotionally cut like that.  I've been almost defiant about it actually.  Almost like I'm saying that I will not give anyone the satisfaction of picturing me there all melodramatic & weeping in front of your now-empty house.  Nope.  I'm quite proud to say, not once.  So... up yours friend (and I mean that in love, of course).

Today however, I found myself a bit emotionally blindsided as I drove home from work.  See, I normally don't go on the other side of town, and when I have, it's been dark outside so I couldn't see anything.  But today was a beautiful day and as I made my way home, the first thing I spotted far in the distance was the tower from Sky Harbor...you know, the one you sent me a picture of from your phone when you were there working?  Shortly after that, I passed the baby versions of red rocks near my old apartment.  Do you remember standing under the bridge, now OUR bridge, and me pointing to those rocks in the distance & saying those are my happy rocks because they make me think of you.  They make me think of those early, happy days in Phoenix when I would look out, see those rocks and smile because I knew we were here together and I would be seeing you soon?  Yeah, I remember too.

Trying to fight back the tears, I hit the trifecta when I saw all of the beautiful pink & orange flowers growing all over the side of the road.  pink for me & orange for you.  I figured any place that has all these pink & orange flowers growing everywhere couldn't be all bad & that was all the convincing I needed to move here.

Shortly after the flowers, we surpassed the trifecta and moved into superfecta territory when I hit the tunnel.  My mind flashed with a memory of driving through the tunnel & getting a text from you, "Where are you babe?"  Me:  "I'm in the tunnel"  Shortly after, you: "Look in your mirror"  There you were behind me, having raced down the road & up the ramp where you followed me all the way to work.  You pulled up next to me and rolled your window down and smiled saying, "I just had to see your face one more time tonight."

I felt like I got punched in the chest throughout these memories that were flooding me and then it got worse... I hear the song come on.  You know the one... "You've got the best of both worlds...You're the kind of girl who can take down a man and lift him back up again...."  The song we both try to avoid, I'm sure.  I just couldn't believe it was playing at right this very moment.  Normally I forward past the song, but today I let it play.  The universe had bigger things at work.

It was all just too much.  And lately, I've been trying to stuff those things away (like I normally do) and not feel any of that because I have another person to worry about now and don't want to hurt his feelings or make him think that I'm looking in any other direction, because I'm not.  I'm sure you know exactly what I mean about all this, huh?  But the truth is, I HAVE to feel these things and acknowledge them when they come up so that I can process it and get rid of it.  Because truthfully, I'm still processing.  I probably always will be to some point.  I know I'll always love you.  I know I'll always think we're cut from the same cloth and there is no one but you that gets my sense of humor or that thinks like I do.

See, the thing is that there is someone else making deposits in my love bank now.  He's so good to me.  Seriously, seriously good.  I love him.  So because when I see him, I smile in a big sappy way and because I love snuggling up to him and holding his hand, etc,etc, etc then I need to work on this other stuff so that I don't respond viscerally to the sight of some rocks on the highway, etc.  I don't want to disrespect him or make him feel threatened.  The truth is, we've talked about it before....you can love more than one person at the same time.  They just have to be making deposits in your love bank.  He's actively making pretty huge deposits.  I don't want him to doubt my love.  So the goal is to become as desensitized to the other side of town as I am of here.  Because you aren't here anymore.  And you don't care if I am.

xoxo veronica

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