6.17.2010

Baby steps

Maybe I'm just tired, maybe Therapist would be right and I'm just not ready.  Either way, this morning I was having a bit of an internal freak-out and found myself entering a very "keep him out of my space" mindset.

Not sure what brought it on because everything as far as the guy goes has been pretty good.  All I know is that when I thought about the date we have scheduled for later today, I went into a bit of a panic mode and started to feel trapped & shut-down.  One of my main problems is that I get so stuck in my own head and it's hard to find my way out.  My mind starts racing with different scenarios and how I would react to them, how I could protect myself, what red-flags to look for.  Before I know it, I'm in full-blown trauma mode and nothing real has even happened.  I've worked really hard lately at trying to stop that self-talk as soon as I feel it starting.

One thing that really helped this morning?  Well, when I got off work I went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few things.  As I put each item in my cart, God pointed out to me that I can afford those things on my own.  After I left the store, I pulled in to get gas and once again God reminded me that I am able to afford that on my own as well.  See, one of the things that kept me stuck in an abusive marriage for so long was that he had financial control.  Not only was I afraid of him, but I didn't have the means to take care of myself or my children...therefore he had all the control.

Praise God, not anymore.

Lord willing, I will never again have to put up with bad behavior or disrespect for boundaries because I feel I have no options.  I am so grateful that I am blessed enough to know that I don't ever have to be in an uncomfortable situation again.  I can walk into situations with my guard down and with confidence because if I don't like the way I'm being treated or if I'm seeing some red-flags, all I need to do is remove myself from the situation because the only ones I am dependent on are God and myself.  For now, that's what I need to know and that's what makes me feel safe.  I'm also grateful that I've come far enough to recognize it all.

xoxo veronica

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