10.26.2009

Life...in blue.

These little girls have no idea the power they hold over me.  They will never know the healing, heavy power that they sway over me and the capacity that they have for controlling life and death.

Sometimes life gets so unbelievably overwhelming for me that I can lay there for hours, maybe even days fantasizing about escape in whatever shape or form it takes in my imagination that day.  Then one little stray thought of one of my girls faces flits through my mind and my soul comes crashing back down to earth with a thud; a thousand steel cables tied around it.  The thought of what damage it would do to them if I weren't here.  The thought that they could end up in the wrong hands.  The thought that I will miss out on all of the big stuff.  I sit here and watch Amelia sing and dance as she vacuums the carpet and I wonder, who will you fall in love with?  I smile when I think of all the good stuff that is coming our way and frankly there is no way I'm going to miss that.  It's wading through this big pile of shit called present-day life that is the hard part.

I used to have so much tenacity and perseverance.  I was like a weeble-wobble.  I could get knocked over but I would bounce right back up.  I took pride in my rose-colored glasses and my seeming incapability for becoming jaded or cynical.  But this past few weeks after yet one more bitter, bone-shattering betrayal by someone close to me.....I can feel it.  I can feel it in my core.

I'm sad.  I'm tired.  I'm pissed.  I'm bitter.

So I breathe in and I breathe out.  I try my best to put on my game face so that my kids have no idea their mom is going through anything.  And I live.  I try to make it through one day at a time because honestly, to plan too far in advance is a little overwhelming to me.  And I shut out most of the people in my life because to have people in my life means they will notice something is wrong, which means they will want to talk about it (if they even care) and the last thing I want to do is talk about it.  Because talking about it will help nothing and can only make it worse.  And talking about it makes it too hard to hide that anything is wrong from my kids.

And because I have these three little anchors holding me here, I have shit to do.  Like work and pay bills and do laundry and get over this stupid, freaking swine flu that I've had.  So suffice it to say that although I'm not doing it brilliantly, I am doing it.  Little by little.  As numb as possible.  Getting through the day and trying to figure out how to kick this new bitterness that has found me in the ass.  It doesn't belong here and I've smacked down too much life to start being defeated now.

I know that Darren could probably care less if I'm around or not.  He has been here four days and is hating me as usual...nothing new there.  But my girls...they need me.  And so I'll stay.  For as long as they are here, I will be here.  I open the windows and feel the breeze wash over me.  I stare at a beautiful sunset out of my window.  And I dream of a day when life will be better.  I flip off all of the voices I hear in my head of people saying, "the joy is in the journey" or "don't wait to enjoy your life, your life is now."  F**k you, I say.  I don't know what the answer is, but I know that I dream of a day when I don't have to worry so hard about the bills.  And I dream of the day that I have a man to love me who is healthy, loyal, prosperous, affectionate, witty and happy.  I dream of the day that I figure out what I want to do when I grow up.  And I dream of the day that I don't see 99% of my life through a big blue filter.


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