12.30.2005

Happy New Year!


New Years Eve is always such an emotional time for me. Don't ask me why...just is. Just ask anyone who spent any of the watchnight services at Tower with me and they will gladly tell you how I cry like a baby! lol

So I was reflecting for a moment on this last year. YUCK! what a CRAP year!!!! LOL Some of my other years have probably been worse, well I know they have..just pick one that I was married to the evil one and it will win hands down! But 2005 ranks up there with the worst of them. What's funny is that I thought it was going to be one of the best. Last spring started with me in love and thinking that this was the turning point in my life. Well... it sure was. But it got worse before it got better that's for sure!

I had some joy mixed with alot of sorrow and loss. Probably one of the worst depressions of my life. Made a couple of friends and lost several (not because anything particular happened in those friendships, but because I finally quit allowing them to be one-sided. If it was all give and no take, then I let it die a peaceful death.)

But as God is faithful to do for me this time of year... he wraps everything up with a pretty little bow and hands it to me as a merciful gift of new beginnings. It never fails... right before my birthday (capricorn season!) he has a way of making me deal with all of the garbage and resolving issues. This year it was finances and friendships. I'm not going into the nasty details but suffice it to say that the financial devastation of 2005 came to a head yesterday. I'm still praying for a merciful loan of some sort from someone or somewhere, but even if that doesn't happen I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. Today I am stressed, but soon I will be just fine.

As far as friendships go... I've lost alot of them. I lost Joleen ......AGAIN! (I give up for crying out loud...I've finally let her fly. I'm not even interested in working on it anymore), I feel like I've lost alot of Kristin (although I know that she's still there. It's just kind of changed forms), and I lost Scott. Just typing that name made my eyes tear up.

Yeah, he was my boyfriend. Yeah, it turned out to be a HUGE mess. But he started out as my friend. My friend Scott. Man did I adore him. I don't know if I've ever had a friend that I've had more in common with. He was simply the best. And I'll leave it at that. My heart hurts just thinking about him. I'm so sad about the way that things turned out. I wish I could take it back. Do it differently. But I can't. Not only has the knowledge that I can't change things helped me to want to do things differently in the future, but it has also made me feel more merciful towards people that have done me wrong. I bet there are alot of people out there wishing that they could go back and have a do-over. They can't. It's done. And neither can I. So I have to pick myself up, dust myself off. Put my smile back on and move forward. I'm good at that. I'll be fine.

I think 2006 is going to be an amazing, amazing year. I can just feel it in my bones. God is so good. And I may not be a fast learner, but I am a good learner.... and I think that maybe I finally got it. 2005 devastated me in alot of ways. The ripples of devastation are just now reaching the shore in alot of areas. But luckily Jesus is a big break-wall of rocks that protects me from waves that are too strong.

Yep...2006 is going to be great. I resolve to do my best. My absolute personal best. To authentically love the people in my life, to get my finances in order, to be healthier (in every way that it can apply), and to get myself and my children back to church regualarly like I know we should be. I want to exercise more. And I vow to stay soft...I resolve to stay sentimental and somewhat naive. I will continue to look at the world, life & love with a sense of wonder. Yeah...it's gonna be great! :)

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