10.29.2005

Brave or crazy?

I had received a comment on my post "Depression" and so while I was there reading the comment I read over the post again. Having been on the antidepressants for several weeks now even I have almost forgotten how bad it was. It's someplace I'm afraid to go back to... ever.

So here's the dilemma. The Wellbutrin I was on was even worse than the depression! If there was a side effect, I had it. It made me manic (no I'm not bipolar, but I now know what it feels like to be a bit manic!). If I ellaborated you would think I was psychotic! That went away after about a week or so but the physical symptoms have not. I was laying here one night just hanging on by my finger nails thinking, "I don't think I can live like this for even one more day.... it's going to kill me... literally." So here comes the really stupid part. I'm either really brave or really crazy. I figured "hey, since I'm feeling better emotionally... maybe I don't really need the meds right?" So I started tapering myself off. I know, I know, I know! But this is my logic... my next Dr's appointment isn't till next month. I'll go off of the medicine. I'll either feel better, or I'll get depressed again and when I go to the Dr. I can get a different kind of med that I don't respond so horribly to. Ok, so here I go! I tapered down for a week or so and now I've been off for a couple of days. I'm having some withdrawl problems.... feels like the flu. I hurt EVERYWHERE. My head hurts, I'm nauseous, etc. But other than that so far, so good. I'm praying so hard. I really don't want to go back on any meds.... I HATE medicine. Isn't is funny for a nurse to hate meds so bad? But I do. They're great for other people and even for me when I need them. But I'm always the one the doctor gets frustrated about because if it has bad side effects or if I feel I don't need it anymore.... I'm not taking it. Nurses are the worst for being compliant! lol So my point here is... please pray for me! Keep your eyes on me. Thanks friends! I get to go to work tonight! woohoo! :) It's the time change tonight which means I get to work 13 1/2 hours....woohoo again! LOL

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