4.30.2008

Miss prim and proper

Today Maddie had to go for her yearly physical (don't you love the fashion statement she's rocking?). Ever since having to step out of the room and hearing that the doctor had to do a "thorough" exam of all the pieces parts, Amelia has been FREAKING OUT! She is so prim, proper and modest that doesn't even like ME to see her in her underwear--fuggedabout the doctor! For hours now she has been pouting and on the verge of tears about the fact that she has to go for her physical next week. She keeps yelling, "IT'S GROSS!" and "I'm uncomfortable! I don't want to go!". I feel bad for her, but on the other hand it's kind of funny...and I'm pretty grateful that there are still girls left in the world who are modest!

Operation bedtime 1:00, day one

I decided today that I would set an alarm to go off at 1am every night to tell me it's time to go to bed. I had kind of a Pavlov's dogs type of theory in my head--I hear the alarm, I turn out the lights, my body eventually learns how to go to sleep at bedtime. Being the insomniac that I am, I knew that it wasn't going to be easy. The second part of this goal is that I want to start getting up "early", which by my standards is before like 11:00. lol

So tonight the alarm goes off at 1:00, but I'm not even CLOSE to being tired...especially since in order to facilitate part B of my plan, I skipped the ambien.

Anyways, I started the countdown in my mind of telling myself, "Ok, it's time for bed. Finish up what you're doing and after this show you're going to bed." Sounds good enough, right? Wrong! At 3:00 I climbed into bed, still bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I tossed and turned and fiiiiiinally got comfortable when...I had to pee. DARNIT!!! So when I realize that it's not a fluke and the urge is not going to spontaneously go away, I throw on my robe and head to the bathroom. My plan is foiled further by my also awake husband who wants to have a whole conversation about turning on the furnace because he's "freezing".

I finally crawl back into bed and put my sleeping mask on. I figure that I sleep well enough during the day with it on, maybe my mind will be tricked into thinking it's daytime/sleepytime if it's on.

Fast forward to now. I'm sitting cross-legged on my bed in the pitch-black bedroom with my sleeping mask pulled up onto my forehead and it's 4:30 in the morning. I CAN'T SLEEP. I lay here, I meditate, I count backwards, I recite scripture. And now I'm cold but I don't want to go out there and tell Scott that he's right because it really craps when my husband is right and I'm not! Now I'm just waiting for my arch-enemies aka the chirping birds to start harrassing me.

Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep little nursie!

4.26.2008

The theory about the theory that the theorist wrote about the theory

Homework! BLAH! I'm in theory right now and it can be so overwhelming sometimes. This is such heavy, dry, complicated stuff and my brain is fizzled! Reading about theories, grand theories, middle range theories, metaparadigms, lions and tigers and bears--oh my! Ok, I'm back to the daunting task of trying to muddle my way through this. Wish me luck!

4.25.2008

Emma quote of the day


"I know the clap is an infection, but what kind of infection?"
(Yikes!)

How much dough could a husband spend if a husband could spend dough?

It really craps when you think you have a certain (albeit small) amount of money set aside for groceries and then you realize you only have $30.00 of that money left because your husband withdrew the rest of the money from the ATM one morning while you were sleeping because he saw a yard sale he wanted to buy mini dvd players at (THAT DO NOT WORK BY THE WAY---and he knew that! He thought he would fix them). Why do I keep thinking I can have a normal life and have a husband who is allowed to run to the store and actually have the pin number to our debit card? How foolish of me!

4.23.2008

Somebody yonamed me yo!

While browsing through my stats on "mybloglog" tonight (I don't usually do that, but am curious after tonight and might start doing it more), I noticed that one of the links into my blog was a search for my name on yoname.com.

Ok, that's cool. Honestly, I have googled and yonamed everyone and their mama so I don't really care if people search for me....but now the wheels are turning and I'm wondering:

WHO WAS IT???


My mind races with the possibilities of who it could be and I know that it's probably NOBODY that I'm thinking of! LOL Things that make you go "hmmmmm".

4.22.2008

The current favorite song in our house

My legs are stickin' to the vinyl and my possy's gettin' laughed at....


There's nowhere else I'd rather be right now than where you are

Today I feel like such a broken girl. Actually, I think I was born broken but today is particularly bad. I will give myself the benefit of the doubt by preempting all of this with saying that I am in full-blown PMS--and that usually spells trouble. I get a tad bitchy, but mostly I just get D-E-P-R-E-S-S-E-D. Deep, gut-wrenching, the waves are swallowing me depression. And depressed I have been.

It started out that I was just nasty, stank cranky all day. I didn't want to be bothered, touched, talked to or even have anyone in my presence. When I say I acted stank, it's a huge understatement! lol The worst part is that my husband picked today to finally peel himself off of the couch and be not only attentive, but manically attentive. He woke me up by bringing me breakfast in bed with 2 yellow tulips in a vase in a vase on the tray (I know! How can I be such a jerk?). I didn't say it out loud, but all I could think was, "Why is he bothering me???"

He then took the kids to the park THREE times, washed all the bikes bothered, I mean checked on me hundreds of times to see if I needed anything and then made dinner. He has come in here dozens of times to tell me how much he loves me and how pretty he thinks I am and even told me how sexy he thinks I am (as I'm sitting here in my pajama pants and t-shirt with bedhead. lol). Any outsider looking inside would think that I have it made and that I have a WONDERFUL life. Today I did--I suppose. But I didn't appreciate it. I was so lost in this hormonal haze that I just wanted it to go away.

Even when I'm not hormonal I admit that I spend an unhealthy amount of time wishing I had a different life. It's like I woke up one day and my fairy tale had imploded into a nightmare of unhapiness and I am so mad. I'm mad at Scott for lying to me, I'm mad at mental illness, I feel cheated by the universe that my husband has to be bipolar, I feel betrayed by my daughter for leaving me for her father, I feel so disappointed and mad at myself for what seems like yet another colossally bad decision. I didn't know what I was getting into or I most likely wouldn't have done it, so I can't really take the blame, but I'm really good at blaming myself for stuff so rationalizing it won't make me stop doing it.

As I was typing this Scott had come in and kissed me on my forehead. He said, "The other day you said that I never miss you when you're gone. I do. I miss you when you're sleeping, I missed you at the park, I miss you whenever you're not around." I don't know what's worse for me, the months of misery or the tiny slivers of Scott that I see shine through the rest of the time. That's not my husband, this is my husband...and I miss him so much my heart hurts all the time. This person that I saw today is the man that I fell in love with (not the manic part but the emotional, sweet part) and married. And it's so cruel that I only get to take a peek at him every now and again. I think that's one of the reasons that I am so standoffish when he comes back to himself--because I know it won't last. I know that in a matter of hours he'll be gone again.

I started looking at pictures of him & us from a few years ago and even the look in his eyes is different. That's my love. They made me cry. I just went out to the living room and hugged him and kissed him. I've given him a really rough day when he was being sweeter than sweet and I figured that I might as well love him back if even for a little while.

4.20.2008

Second verse same as the first



Ok, so I own the fact that I've been totally judgemental about my husband living on our couch. But then I started thinking about how bad my butt and back are hurting from laying in this bed all day and wondered if I could get a bedsore from 24 hours of vegging out. But then I reminded myself that I'm allowed to do that on the weekend, at least I'm not doing it every day for the last two years right? lol So anyways, for the past day this is the view that I have had most of the time. Now I need to go turn myself and chart in my nurses notes how I'm maintaining skin integrity. ;)

Emma quote of the day

"How can we tell if our cat is bipolar so that we know if she's in need of medication?"

Stupid birds

It's 4:00 in the morning and as usual, I'm wide freakin' awake. To rub salt in my wounds the birds have started happily chirping outside. Normally, this would be a lovely way to start the morning, but considering that I haven't even made it to sleep yet it makes me want to throw rocks at them more than appreciate them.

I try as often as I can to go without taking Ambien, because I hate the idea of being dependent on anything, let alone a tiny little miracle pill. But even when I do take it I'm lucky to fall asleep by this time in the morning. When I don't take it, I could potentially be awake until tomorrow afternoon! Now I know that when my alarm goes off in about three hours for church I'm going to roll over and think, "yeah right".

I grew way sick of tv and turned it off a few hours ago, already took Amelia for her mid-sleep potty break and have been listening to Scott snoring away on the couch for a good eight hours or so now. He got a prescription for Seroquel for sleep from his new doctor and has been stoned out of his gourd for the past few days waking up only long enough to use the bathroom and drink the rest of the diet coke. It's like his own little opium den out there. Honestly, the whole thing disgusts me and I am so resentful of him. He is one of the main reasons that I try to avoid my sleeping pill because if I come off looking even a tenth of the way he looks to me then the sound of carbon monoxide poisoning would start sounding really good. I'm kidding. Kind of. It's just that he doesn't really seem to contribute ANYTHING to this environment. Ok, I just paused and tried to generously come up with even ONE thing that he contributed in the past few days and I still couldn't. For a minute I thought about the fact that he drove to get the chinese food (the longest he's been awake and not stinking up the couch), but then I thought about the fact that it was in my car with my gas and my money and it kind of diminished his 15 minute effort a little. Ok, never mind that--I'm getting all pissy and selfish like I get when I think about my marriage, so I'll move on. Before I do though, I'll just say this one final thing--I long so deeply and well, longingly (lol--can you say that you long longingly for something?) for a partner that I genuinely enjoy that company of.

This evening was totally wasted, I mean spent looking through thousands of photos of bedrooms. Amelia wants to do her new bedroom lime green and at first I thought: YIKES, but then thought about Shawnda's bedroom which is adorable. So I picked up some paint chips today at Walmart and we settled on a color, but then she couldn't decide on a theme. Does she want to go the bubblegum colors route? Or the more parisian type them of pinks, greens, blacks, etc. Or maybe green and red with a ladybug theme? Soooo many choices for a seven year old! This whole business of letting her have her own taste kind of sucks. I'd almost rather maintain that control of her and boss her around telling her what kind of room she's getting. I have to admit though that it was so cute watching her try to make up her mind. :) Her last words before she rolled over on my bed and fell asleep were, "This is a really hard decision!"

After she fell asleep I watched some Flip This Houses and a few Whose Wedding is it Anyways and kept looking at bedroom pics (on "rate my space" on the HGTV site--it's brilliant! who knew?), except this time it was for my room. I can't figure out what I want. I know basically what I want, but can't quite put my finger on it. The other problem is that what I want is kind of totally opposite of what I have now and don't have the furniture or anything else to go with it. Bummer.

So that about sums it up. I'm laying here on my bed with my laptop propped on my stomach and bent legs wishing that my brain weren't so overstimulated and wondering if anyone's awake that could tell on me (or judge me) for stoning those stupid birds that are still taunting me.

4.17.2008

Watching a man's face on his way to die

I'm watching "The Deadliest Catch" on the Discovery Channel and there's an episode on right now about a crab boat that capsized and in a matter of five minutes lost the boat and all of it's crew but one man who was able to don his cold-water suit.

They were interviewing a man from another boat that was nearby and he was clearly emotional and distressed. He said that one of the crew members floated right down the side of this other boat. He said that they tried to throw him rescue lines and such to no avail. He teared up as he said, "I saw his face. It's torture to know that you are watching a man's face on his way to die...and there's nothing you can do about it." That really struck me because I know what he means and that basic thought is what's been on my mind most of tonight.

This evening at work there was a code blue and the man didn't make it. That's hard enough as a nurse involved in a code, but it was compounded by the fact that it was the father of one of my fellow nurses--and she was there. In uniform. And helpless.

I've seen many, many codes and each one affects me in a different way. The thing that's the same is that I always walking away analyzing my every move and wondering if there was anything that I could have done differently. Most of the time (like tonight), the answer is no, there isn't really anything I can think of that would have changed the outcome. It was what it was. But it still humbles me to know that I was in the presence of death and the Holy Spirit. I know that sounds a bit morbid, but it's true. And to know that I didn't know this man from Adam--I walked in after he was already on his way out, to a room with a ton of people in it--I couldn't speak to him. I have no idea if he was a Christian. And even with doing everything I knew how to do, he went anyways. I threw all of my life preservers and I could only watch a man's face on his way to die.

Thank you Lord for allowing me to be a nurse. Thank you for the skills and the knowledge that you have given me and for the opportunity to help people. Thank you for the times that you have allowed me to actually save someone's life. And thank you also for the times (like tonight) that you remind us that it is still YOU that is really in charge of the code. You are all wise, sovereign, omnipotent, merciful and loving. I pray for the comfort of the family I saw huddled together in tears tonight. Amen.

4.16.2008

Tragedy




This is a picture of my ex-step-nephew (did that make sense?). He was tragically killed last weekend while playing with a handgun. I only met him a few times over the years at different family functions and so didn't really know him, but tragedy is tragedy, and I know his family is grieving for him. If ever someone needed prayer it's them, so if you could please as you're reading this just send up some silent prayers of comfort, grace and provision for this family it would be appreciated. Thank you!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LORAIN -- A game of Russian roulette went terribly wrong and tragically ended the life of a 17-year-old Lorain Admiral King High School student.
Corey Torres was with a friend at a Leavitt Homes residence, when he began playing with a .38-caliber revolver around 1 p.m. Saturday. Torres emptied the chamber, pulled the trigger and the gun clicked. After the first shot failed, he put the revolver up to his right temple and pulled the trigger again.
It fired, killing him instantly, according to Lorain County Coroner Dr. Paul Matus.
A 14-year-old girl was present and there was nothing to indicate the act was suicide, Matus said. When police arrived at 2222 Lorain Drive, Torres was on the couch with the revolver still in hand and bullets on his lap, according to a police report. It is unclear if drugs or alcohol played a part of the accident until toxicology tests come back, Matus said.
''This is the old story of kids playing with guns and goofing around,'' Matus said. ''We don't know that it was a formalized game of Russian roulette, but the result was the same.''
Police have no reason to believe the other teen was involved beyond being a witness. Police are trying to determine where the gun came from, but said no charges will be filed, according to Sgt. Mark Carpentiere.
''There was no fight or anything of malicious intent,'' he said. ''The other kid was very traumatized.''
Torres' mother, Angie Morris, said her son was a daring kid who always wanted to be liked.
''He was loved so much,'' Morris said. ''It is so tragic because he wanted to show off. No one wants to hear their son has taken their own life to show off.''
Morris said her son's friends had recently heard him talking about the game Russian roulette -- a potentially lethal game where participants place one cartridge in a chamber of a revolver's cylinder and point the gun at their head pulling the trigger.
''His friends said he poured some of the bullets out, but he was still trying to be daring,'' Morris said. ''The first shot nothing happened. The second time it actually went off. I just know it was a freak accident.''
Torres got the gun ''from around the neighborhood,'' she said. ''It's easy to get hold of guns.''
Torres has three older sisters. He enjoyed playing baseball and basketball and wanted to go into the service.
''He wanted to make some changes in his life,'' Morris said. ''He started to fall into the crowds that weren't doing so well. He had leadership qualities, but it was easy for him to fall in with the kids who weren't doing well.''
Morris wants other kids to realize the serious consequences that come with guns.
''Life is too short,'' she said. ''When you are playing around and impressing your friends ... What kind of impression do you give when you are sitting among your friends and you take your life in front of them.''
Morris has talked to the teen who witnessed her son's death and explained there was nothing she could have done because her son had his mind set on playing the game.
''I was mad at first, thinking Ôwhy didn't you try to get the gun from him' but I realized when someone has something in their head there's nothing they could've done,'' Morris said. ''(His friend) is not good at this point, it's a lot to handle when you are sitting there with him when it happens. Everyone tried to talk him out of it.''
Torres lived by a couple of mottos, ''Be true to the game,'' ''loyalty and love'' and ''hustle hard,'' his mother said.
''He wanted to make a change in everyone's life, but he didn't know how,'' she said. ''He had a zest for life and had so many friends. He's just so missed.''
Grief counseling was offered to students at the high school yesterday, according to Superintendent Cheryl Atkinson. Whether it will be available today depends on whether administrators gauged there is a continuing need, she said.
Carter Funeral Home is handling Torres' funeral arrangements.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Corey L. 'C.T.' Torres

LORAIN -- Corey L. 'C.T.' Torres, 17, of Lorain, went home to be with the Lord unexpectedly Saturday, April 12, 2008.
He was born in Lorain on Jan. 24, 1991, and attended Admiral King High School, where he was a sophomore. Corey enjoyed playing basketball for St. Anthony Church of Lorain. He was also well-known for his fashion and his sayings, "True to the Game" and "Loyalty and Love."


He had worked for Marcos pizza in Amherst, and enjoyed playing video and card games, and spending time with his family who cared and loved him.


His memory will be cherished by his mother, Angie Morris and stepfather, Rocky "Pops" Morris, both of Lorain; father, Corey L. Jones of Vancouver, Wash.; sisters Amanda Gunter, Mary and Amber Torres, all of Lorain, and Kiara Jones of Vancouver; brothers Kaleb and Nicholas Jones of Vancouver, Wash.; maternal grandparents, Naaman Torres of Elyria and Mary Wooten of Lorain; and three nieces, three nephews, aunts and uncles. He was preceded in death by his paternal grandparents, Laveil and Romona Jones.


Friends may call Wednesday from 6 to 9 p.m. in the Carter Funeral Home Chapel, 3001 Elyria Ave., Lorain. The Rev. Pastor Arlon Lowe of Victory Baptist Temple Church, Elyria, will give words of comfort at 7:30 p.m.


Memorials can be made to any Lorain National Bank branch under the name of Corey L. Torres Fund.
Arrangements entrusted to Carter Funeral Homes Inc., 3001 Elyria Ave., Lorain. (440) 244-5200
Online condolences can be sent to carterfuneralhome@yahoo.com

4.13.2008

I confess




Ok, I confess already! This is the first time I have ever said out loud that I actually WATCH Rock of Love 2! Uggh! I feel all embarrassed and dirty saying that! lol But I do, and tonight was the finale and I am SO PROUD of him! Ok, the finale was nasty and skanky and I think they're all a bunch of nasty whores, but he TOTALLY made the right decision!!! Ambre was definitely the right choice and I would have worn black and been in mourning if he would've chosen Daisy! ROCK ON BRET!

Joshua & Jennifer 4-12-08



Yesterday was a very good day! I had been praying to feel better so that I could go to my brother's wedding. Actually, I knew I wouldn't have missed it for the world, but I didn't want to look ratty and only be able to stay for a little while. God came through and I felt 75% better by show-time, so off we went. The ceremony was small but lovely. Jennifer was so frazzled she forgot to put her veil on (poor girl). It's one of those little nagging things that is bothering her about her wedding day now--she didn't even have her veil on. If that was the worst thing that happened to her, she's pretty lucky! :)


Josh was sooooo nervous! But he looked super handsome and even surprised Jen by shaving off that stupid piece of hair on his chin (not quite a goatee, not a beard) that she hated and surprised her at the ceremony with a clean-shaved chin. :) I was going to get a picture of her coming into the auditorium, but thought it was way more priceless to get a picture of his face the instant he saw her for the first time.

He tries to be so stoic, but you can see the flicker of excitement, joy and love in his eyes....I think it's so priceless. It really made my heart happy to see him surrendering to doing the right thing and also to what his heart has known it's wanted for a long time. He was so afraid to get hurt that he had such a wall built up for so long. They've been together for six years and he refused to get married. At Christmas he finally gave in and asked her to marry him and his attitude has been lighter, happier and more peaceful every since. He finally made the decision and saw that the sky didn't come tumbling down and that things really are going to be ok. It does my heart good to see my only "real" brother finally at peace. Just a few weeks after proposing they found out that Jen is pregnant, so it really WAS time to settle down! She's due in September and this will be the first niece or nephew that I have that I will actually get to know. I once saw one of my nephews at Wal-Mart and didn't even say anything to him because I knew he would be clueless as to who I was. It makes me really sad.

The reception was nice...especially after everyone ate and they agreed to let us turn off the lights. It was a much nicer atmosphere then and there was lots of dancing, hugging and laughing.




I skipped my spot at the "reserved" table in order to sit with my cousin Michelle ("Chelli") and her husband Dewey, and my other cousin Ken (who will always be "Kenny" to me) and his wife Amy.



Chelli and I are only 6 months apart and were practically raised together. She's like the only sister that I have.


Ken is her little brother. He and Amy are probably my favorite couple ever. They are just two of those people who have it all together if you know what I mean. They have been together since Amy was 15 I think it was, and both graduated college and have VERY successful careers (all the material stuff to go with it), but are still so humble and sweet. They come down from Michigan for every single family function (more than I can say for myself!) and are very loving and loyal. And after all of these years, they are still so into each other that I just stare at them in adoration. They still enjoy each other's company, laugh at each others jokes and even bump and grind on the dance floor. Amy is pregnant with their first baby now and looked so cute with her baby bump. :)


My husband was a bit of a bump on a log (what else is new). I wished he were more interactive, but oh well...I had a nice time regardless of how he chooses to look or act. My step-brother Bud and his wife Sue came from West Virginia with my parents. My Grandma even stayed until midnight. My uncle Jim DJ'd and in his typical crazy fashion stole the bride's veil and wore it for a while (he wore my petticoat at my wedding. lol).


My parents even danced together for the first time in 22 years! I don't think I've ever seen my mom look so happy.
Overall it was just a really nice family time and I was thrilled that I got to be there and I have to say that I love each and every member of my family. It may be a crazy family, but it's my family--and I love them. Here's to Joshua and Jennifer---may they live a long, happy, crazy and love-filled life together!

4.12.2008

Emma quote of the day

"That tinkerbell's fat."

"I think she's kind of awesome."

"Eww, why?

"Because it shows that pretty, sexy girls don't just have to be skinny."

"Eww, yes they do. I think she's ugly! But when Tinkerbell is skinny I think she's pretty."

"[joking of course] You are feeding into the machine!!! You work for the man!!!!"

"I don't work for the man--I don't even LIKE boys!!!"

:)

4.10.2008

A moment of silence please

Can we have a moment of silence please for the loss of Michael Johns....Thank you. :(




4.09.2008

Pneumonia

I feel like poo. It started a few nights ago at work and kept getting worse. By last night I had a fever and felt like death. I went to the doctor this morning and he walked in and stared at me with a smile on his face saying, "There's something not quite....YOU." lol Yeah, I looked as bad as I feel. Of course when the doctor said, "curling iron must be on the fritz, huh?"---my husband ratted me out!!! That dirty dog said, "No, she actually used it to try and get rid of some of her bed-head." Thanks FRIEND! Don't tell him I actually TRIED and still look this crappy! lol Men!
So I'm off work until at least next Tuesday. I'm on Zithromax and Hycodan cough syrup. I'm supposed to be on Prednisone too, but that's the medicine that I love to hate and so am waiting to see how bad my lupus flares before deciding if I'll go on it or not. Oh, and remember that ten pounds I lost? I know, yay me right? Um, no. I've gained eight of it back. BLAH!
I hope I feel better soon. Today started my last week of my current class and I have a huge paper to write and a lot of other homework. Of course I didn't start any of it and slept all evening instead. I hope this passes quick.

4.08.2008

I gave gold for iron


During his reign, King Frederick William III of Prussia found himself in a bind. Wars had been costly, and in trying to build the nation, he was seriously short of finances. After careful reflection, he decided to ask the women of Prussia if they would bring their jewelry of gold and silver to be melted down for their country. Each piece of jewelry he received, he would exchange for a decoration of bronze or iron as a symbol of his gratitude. These decorations would be inscribed,

'I gave gold for iron, 1813'.




The response was overwhelming. But more importantly, the women prized these gifts from the king even more highly than their former jewelry! The reason, of course, is clear. They were proof that they had sacrificed for their king.


This was the beginning to the devotion that my teacher posted today. I read it tonight when work was winding down and I had some quiet time to myself. I had been brooding all day about Courtney and the mess we've found ourselves in lately. I have been so sad and withdrawn from her, and she just doesn't get it. She has no concept of loyalty, truth, honesty, loyalty--none of it. She can come in all happy-go-lucky after she just spewed the vilest filthy lies about me to people that I love and try to hug and kiss me as if nothing has happened. I don't understand that. I am hard-wired to be loyal to a fault and have an over-achieving conscience.

After she showed up to get her computer today, Scott said the words that kept echoing in my ears all day long--"I thought she'd be back by now." Yeah, me too I said solemnly. But she's not back--she's the opposite of back. She's gone. I'm so sad about that. I don't care what filth their father ever has the nerve to tell them--the truth is that I have invested blood, sweat, tears and sleepless nights into these children. They came from me. I nurtured them day and night. I would cradle them in my arms and sing them songs. I would say, "who loves you babe?" And they'd reply "You! And Jesus!" I taught them to sing "Jesus Loves Me" and the itsy bitsy spider. I sat for hours and hours reading the book "WHO SAYS QUACK?" with them--and making all the animal noises. I walked her to school on her first days. I've been with her for every one of her firsts. I was creating my little woman...and now SHE'S GONE!!! How many tears need to be cried to convey the pain of that statement???

Do they now, or will they ever understand the pain of that statement? Is this how my mother felt? Did I give her this kind of heart-wrenching pain that made her question what it was all for? I did all the hardwork and now she gets to gallavant off and have fun times with the dad who has never been a dad to her. Will she ever know what I sacrificed? Does she not think that I ever wanted to do something wild, stupid and irresponsible with my friends when I was young,but I didn't because I had babies needing me at home. I wanted to sleep in every Sunday morning, but made sure they went to church, and all four of my children got saved early.

So over and over in my head this kept playing all day--and then God sent me this quote. The very words that got me were: "I gave gold for iron". When I read that, God grabbed me. He spoke to my heart saying that my children might not be aware of the sacrifices I have made for them, BUT HE IS. He knows of the countless things I've done and the millions of prayers that have been prayed. God knows my heart and how much it aches for my babies when they are away from me. And he also sees what I have gotten back so far....which isn't much besides some heartache. He sees that I have given gold for iron. The thing is that the quote went on to say that the women were thrilled with the sacrifices they were making because in the end it was to help and honor their King.

As I've said, my kids may not know--but my King knows. And he is the one to bring restoration to my soul. I trust you Lord and I love you. Thank you for loving me in spite of my unfaithful, disloyal heart. Please accept my gold for the scraps of iron I will get back in return and use it to love my children and raise them up to what they should be in you.


She sucks....

Courtney just came to pick up her computer to take it to her "new home". I wouldn't even go out to say hello to her. She finally came back to see me and was trying to be so friendly and loving--as if nothing was wrong. She sucks.

p.s...
and do you know that heifer actually STOLE some of mymakeup before she left????

Pick up where I left off....

I know that some of you are just running across my blog, but that's ok. I'm just going to pick up where my other blog has left off and pretend as if we have known each other for life. It's easier that way. I hate starting over and getting to know new people. The whole business of explaining all of the idiosyncricies of your life--uggh, I'm exhausted just thinking about it! So if you ever have any questions, just ask me. If you're too embarrassed to ask then just play along and hopefully you'll catch up eventually.
Darren called tonight to ask me to yell at Courtney for something she was doing. I tried--actually I didn't try. I started to try and at the first sign of her arguing back with me, I said, "you know what? Where is your father?"
"At work."
"Where is your grandma?"
"Sleeping and she said she doesn't want to be bothered. Mom, you've GOT to get him away from me! He is SO annoying!"
"Courtney, I don't want to hear it. YOU wanted to live there, so now you're there...with him. You made your choice, I hope you enjoy it. I love you and goodnight!" *click*
It makes me sad when I think about the fact that she has betrayed me (in my mind) and abandoned our family (mutiny and she should totally walk the plank). Part of me wants to run over there and rescue her, and part of me is soooo glad that she is getting some irritation out of this!
In other news, my cat is still getting on my nerves. She's not in heat anymore, but she still doesn't SHUT UP! Whoever knew (not me!) that there were talking cats??? I swear she talks like a human! And she sits outside of my bedroom door, tapping it with her paw and saying, "HELLLOOOOO" over and over again. I don't know if it cracks me up or freaks me out more.
Work was rough tonight. I didn't feel good in HUGE ways. I actually needed to go put my head down for a while, which I haven't had to do for a year or so. Lupus was in full-effect and it sucked! Not feeling good and being tired made for a lazy attitude which definitely has it's upsides. It's during these lazy times that I "decide to have diarrhea" and sit in the bathroom and talk to Allison for a while. Yes, I said "decide" to have diarrhea! We decided long ago that there are really only two excuses that will get you a free pass in almost any situation--I started my period and I had diarrhea. People automatically back off and say, "Oh, of course...I totally understand." Since I can't go around starting my period three days a week at work, I have to have diarrhea.
So tonight when I decided to have diarrhea, we got on a NASTY *ROLPH* subject that still has me nauseous *ROLPH*. I was telling her about a patient that had WORMS coming out of his nose. *ROLPH* Yes, you read right....worms. I had to explain the whole pathophysiology of how that could happen, then go through every possible scenario of how this could possibly happen to Allison. (You mean if I go outside barefoot...YES. And if my animals drag stuff inside and I'm barefoot...YES. You get the picture). I am still so sickened by this and am ready to hurl at any moment. I was telling her how people who get worms have itchy butts because the worms come out at night to feed. We had both agreed that the title of this blog was supposed to be "Does your butt itch?"...but I chickened out. lol
I can't sleep. My other half doesn't have any trouble with that though--he's sleeping enough for the both of us. I'm actually starting to wind down. If the world's most annoying cat would quit trying to open my bedroom door, maybe I could get some sleep.

4.06.2008

A horrible, crappy, not-so-good, really bad week

I know that unfortunately many of you have come to expect hearing this from me: it was a really bad week. The fact that you expect me to always complain now saddens me. I had decided to just zip-lip and keep it all to myself lately and run to the throne instead of the phone....except for when it comes to calling Allison. God and then Allison--usually in that order. But then again, even when I try to spare her the gory details of my life, she calls to get her daily dose of gore--so I give it to her. And let me say this: if it seems to YOU that I have a lot to complain about lately, try standing in my shoes for a few minutes. I say minutes because I don’t think anyone could last a few days. I just can’t seem to come up for air lately! All I want is a few breathes before being pulled back under, I just can’t seem to get lucky enough.

There are a few things that I have been going through that I won’t mention on here. Mainly because they’re super, super personal and some people in my life (mainly my kids) don’t know about them. Suffice it to say that they were heart and gut-wrenching for me. If you work with me or know me very well then you probably know about it. My heart was pretty sad and I had a pretty rough time for a few weeks. On top of that I had the whole culmination of the year-plus battle with my mortgage company. That was some stress my friends! Along with that was some typical (for us anyways) marriage junk that will (I fear) never go away. All that being said and done, the big bang was on Thursday.

Courtney started my day out really bad by bugging me to unground her so that she could go to a friends house and when I wouldn’t, she stooped to a whole new low. She caused the biggest, hurtful, emotional mess I’ve seen for a little while. She spewed LIES about me to everyone and their mother that day. While at work my phone kept ringing from different people to ask if the things Courtney had just told them were true--and they never were. She had called several people in hysterical sobs telling them that I threw her out of the house and told her to not come back. Supposedly this all happened after Scott & I got in an argument and I took my frustration out on her. Everything she said was a 100% fabrication. She told them that I called her names and that I kicked her out and made her go to live with her dad, and she didn’t know what to do because she didn’t want to live with her dad...but she was now homeless....BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

The basic truth is that she wanted ungrounded, I said no, we argued about it and I yelled at her that she "is worse than living with a controlling husband--she only comes around me when she wants something and when she doesn’t get what she wants then she treats me like crap." She then took that statement and twisted it into "she said she’d rather be with the evil one than live with me." She then decided that she wanted to go to her dads house and I told her that if she went, she’d better think good and hard about it because this isn’t going to become her newest tool of manipulation. I found a note in my room when I came home from work saying "Mommy I love you more than anything, you’re my best friend. I just think we’re bumping heads a little lately and could use some time apart." But yet she told everyone and their mother that I threw her out in the cold, called her names, said I had already gotten rid of Darren and now decided she could go to so that I could have a family with just Scott and the girls, etc etc etc. Stupid, dramatic, teenage garbage. But it was so hurtful that I’m still reeling from the impact. At what point does a person say enough is enough?

She has called here several times since then to tell me that she loves me, etc. I talk to her, but truthfully I’m just not ready to talk very much to her. She’s not some man who is a dime a dozen--she’s my CHILD. The one thing she told people that actually was true was that I called her a traitor--and I meant it. I said to her, "you REALLY want to go live with your dad?"

"No."

"Then WHY are you saying that you do?"

"Because I know he’ll ignore me, but I’d rather be there than here."

"Then go! Go choose the piece-of-crap man who abandoned his wife and children when you were a year old for another woman and has never been a good father to you since!!! Choose him over the woman who has raised you and done EVERYTHING for you! You’re a traitor! Go over there and get your belly full! I hope it all works out for you Courtney, because you will quickly see that no one will love you like your mother." And she did. She left. I’m quite willing to own the fact that I’m still in a rather irrational, hurt place but I sometimes wonder what the use of having kids is. You take care of yourself and nurture your body to make sure they are born healthy, worry over them and protect them. Feel guilt over every little thing such as them eating too many twinkies and not enough green beans. You work your fingers to the bone so that they can have the Abercombie clothes. WHY???? Seriously....WHY???? So that they can take it all for granted and stab you in the back and in the heart and walk away leaving you in heaps not caring how hurt you are? What’s the use? God knows more than anyone how much I love my kids, but I’m ready to throw my hands in the air and say enough is enough. And God also knows that if I didn’t still have these two innocent little ones who have no one but me to depend on or love, I would have definitely said enough is enough long ago. They are what is holding me here....thank God for them.

4.01.2008

Catch-up blog

Before I can get into any of the real life stuff--

Me, the not-an-animal-person-person let the girls take in a stray cat the other day that was hanging around our house. She really is a pretty cat and very cuddly. We plan to get her shots and everything soon. The problem is--she’s now in heat! *sigh* She is making my life miserable!!! The noise that comes out of that creature is so constant and irritating! And she will do anything to get near a window or door. ANYTHING! Get this, she even OPENED my bedroom door last night! She was scratching and pawing at the door and moaning to get in (the patio door is in my room) and then I heard her get up on the door and start playing with the knob! AND IT OPENED! She immediately ran towards the door. She just sits there staring at me and meowing like she’s begging for help. I told her, "Honey I KNOW how miserable it is to want to get laid and can’t! You’re preaching to the choir here sister--but I got nothing for you." lol I told Scott we need to get her some catnip or something to calm her butt down! I was thinking, "We need to get you hiiiigh today Craig!" lol

On other notes...

Countrywide FINALLY agreed to cancel the sale of my house that is supposed to happen tomorrow morning. They tried to jerk me around a little bit more and continue to give me a hard time in the process though. They even tried to DOUBLE the amount of money that they told me to have available and said that if I couldn’t send them x-amount of dollars by close of business that they would go ahead with the sale. I am normally calm, cool, collected and professional on the phone with them, but that day I FREAKED OUT! I was yelling and screaming, ranting and raving...you name it! I reminded them of the terms "predatory lending" and the fact that their company was already all over the news. I told them that I had every piece of evidence to support the fact that they had acted shady and underhanded to try and steal my property out from underneath of me and if they didn’t get me some results NOW that I was calling the attorney general’s office and every news source I could get my hands on. It was amazing that they magically got my mysterious negotiator on the phone! The one that they couldn’t get ahold of for SIX MONTHS. The lady got on the phone and had the nerve to tell me that they had cancelled the negotiation that morning because I was inaccessible and no one had been able to get ahold of me for months! I screamed at her that I had been making DAILY phone calls to them and if she even TRIED to stick to that story that I would have every phone record I could find subpoenaed!! That’s when she said, "Well if we agree to go ahead with this we are going to need xxx dollars by close of business today" (which was double what I was supposed to have). I went off on her again and she finally agreed to take the original amount. I western unioned it to her within minutes.

I called them on Monday to make sure the sale was cancelled and they assured me it was and I was thrilled! Praise God--he is never late! :) Well, this morning I had a little revisit of the panic and had to go back into prayer mode because do you know that this shady mortgage company STILL wasn’t done playing with me! I noticed on the sheriff’s web page last night that it didn’t say "cancelled" next to my home’s sale. So this morning I called the actual attorney handling the sale for countrywide instead of calling countrywide themselves. The attorney said, "by law they have to notify us whenever there is money paid which they did, but then they also have to send us a formal request to cancel the sale--which they have not and I don’t know what is taking them so long. Now it’s too late in your county to cancel the sale." WHAT??? I was furious! So I called back a little while ago and the same attorney told me, "we finally got the request, but it is now too late to cancel your sale. What we have to do instead is actually go to the sale and vacate it. That means that we actually buy your home at the sale. You can breathe easy either way, it’s just a good thing you called when you did." I cannot believe the underhandedness of this company! Even down to the very last minute they were trying desperately to steal this property! I’m only one person---how many countless individuals have they done this to? But either way, my God has come through for me! :) PRAISE! PRAISE! PRAISE! He is never late, but I wish he didn’t like to wait till the last minute also! lol

Other than that, not much else going on here. Beside the gato de diablo (DEVIL CAT!). :) I have to get ready for work now--fun fun! :)
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