Stupid birds

It's 4:00 in the morning and as usual, I'm wide freakin' awake. To rub salt in my wounds the birds have started happily chirping outside. Normally, this would be a lovely way to start the morning, but considering that I haven't even made it to sleep yet it makes me want to throw rocks at them more than appreciate them.

I try as often as I can to go without taking Ambien, because I hate the idea of being dependent on anything, let alone a tiny little miracle pill. But even when I do take it I'm lucky to fall asleep by this time in the morning. When I don't take it, I could potentially be awake until tomorrow afternoon! Now I know that when my alarm goes off in about three hours for church I'm going to roll over and think, "yeah right".

I grew way sick of tv and turned it off a few hours ago, already took Amelia for her mid-sleep potty break and have been listening to Scott snoring away on the couch for a good eight hours or so now. He got a prescription for Seroquel for sleep from his new doctor and has been stoned out of his gourd for the past few days waking up only long enough to use the bathroom and drink the rest of the diet coke. It's like his own little opium den out there. Honestly, the whole thing disgusts me and I am so resentful of him. He is one of the main reasons that I try to avoid my sleeping pill because if I come off looking even a tenth of the way he looks to me then the sound of carbon monoxide poisoning would start sounding really good. I'm kidding. Kind of. It's just that he doesn't really seem to contribute ANYTHING to this environment. Ok, I just paused and tried to generously come up with even ONE thing that he contributed in the past few days and I still couldn't. For a minute I thought about the fact that he drove to get the chinese food (the longest he's been awake and not stinking up the couch), but then I thought about the fact that it was in my car with my gas and my money and it kind of diminished his 15 minute effort a little. Ok, never mind that--I'm getting all pissy and selfish like I get when I think about my marriage, so I'll move on. Before I do though, I'll just say this one final thing--I long so deeply and well, longingly (lol--can you say that you long longingly for something?) for a partner that I genuinely enjoy that company of.

This evening was totally wasted, I mean spent looking through thousands of photos of bedrooms. Amelia wants to do her new bedroom lime green and at first I thought: YIKES, but then thought about Shawnda's bedroom which is adorable. So I picked up some paint chips today at Walmart and we settled on a color, but then she couldn't decide on a theme. Does she want to go the bubblegum colors route? Or the more parisian type them of pinks, greens, blacks, etc. Or maybe green and red with a ladybug theme? Soooo many choices for a seven year old! This whole business of letting her have her own taste kind of sucks. I'd almost rather maintain that control of her and boss her around telling her what kind of room she's getting. I have to admit though that it was so cute watching her try to make up her mind. :) Her last words before she rolled over on my bed and fell asleep were, "This is a really hard decision!"

After she fell asleep I watched some Flip This Houses and a few Whose Wedding is it Anyways and kept looking at bedroom pics (on "rate my space" on the HGTV site--it's brilliant! who knew?), except this time it was for my room. I can't figure out what I want. I know basically what I want, but can't quite put my finger on it. The other problem is that what I want is kind of totally opposite of what I have now and don't have the furniture or anything else to go with it. Bummer.

So that about sums it up. I'm laying here on my bed with my laptop propped on my stomach and bent legs wishing that my brain weren't so overstimulated and wondering if anyone's awake that could tell on me (or judge me) for stoning those stupid birds that are still taunting me.