4.22.2008

There's nowhere else I'd rather be right now than where you are

Today I feel like such a broken girl. Actually, I think I was born broken but today is particularly bad. I will give myself the benefit of the doubt by preempting all of this with saying that I am in full-blown PMS--and that usually spells trouble. I get a tad bitchy, but mostly I just get D-E-P-R-E-S-S-E-D. Deep, gut-wrenching, the waves are swallowing me depression. And depressed I have been.

It started out that I was just nasty, stank cranky all day. I didn't want to be bothered, touched, talked to or even have anyone in my presence. When I say I acted stank, it's a huge understatement! lol The worst part is that my husband picked today to finally peel himself off of the couch and be not only attentive, but manically attentive. He woke me up by bringing me breakfast in bed with 2 yellow tulips in a vase in a vase on the tray (I know! How can I be such a jerk?). I didn't say it out loud, but all I could think was, "Why is he bothering me???"

He then took the kids to the park THREE times, washed all the bikes bothered, I mean checked on me hundreds of times to see if I needed anything and then made dinner. He has come in here dozens of times to tell me how much he loves me and how pretty he thinks I am and even told me how sexy he thinks I am (as I'm sitting here in my pajama pants and t-shirt with bedhead. lol). Any outsider looking inside would think that I have it made and that I have a WONDERFUL life. Today I did--I suppose. But I didn't appreciate it. I was so lost in this hormonal haze that I just wanted it to go away.

Even when I'm not hormonal I admit that I spend an unhealthy amount of time wishing I had a different life. It's like I woke up one day and my fairy tale had imploded into a nightmare of unhapiness and I am so mad. I'm mad at Scott for lying to me, I'm mad at mental illness, I feel cheated by the universe that my husband has to be bipolar, I feel betrayed by my daughter for leaving me for her father, I feel so disappointed and mad at myself for what seems like yet another colossally bad decision. I didn't know what I was getting into or I most likely wouldn't have done it, so I can't really take the blame, but I'm really good at blaming myself for stuff so rationalizing it won't make me stop doing it.

As I was typing this Scott had come in and kissed me on my forehead. He said, "The other day you said that I never miss you when you're gone. I do. I miss you when you're sleeping, I missed you at the park, I miss you whenever you're not around." I don't know what's worse for me, the months of misery or the tiny slivers of Scott that I see shine through the rest of the time. That's not my husband, this is my husband...and I miss him so much my heart hurts all the time. This person that I saw today is the man that I fell in love with (not the manic part but the emotional, sweet part) and married. And it's so cruel that I only get to take a peek at him every now and again. I think that's one of the reasons that I am so standoffish when he comes back to himself--because I know it won't last. I know that in a matter of hours he'll be gone again.

I started looking at pictures of him & us from a few years ago and even the look in his eyes is different. That's my love. They made me cry. I just went out to the living room and hugged him and kissed him. I've given him a really rough day when he was being sweeter than sweet and I figured that I might as well love him back if even for a little while.

1 comment:

Allison said...

I'm glad you had even just a little bit of "connection" with Scott today and that you were able to see and remember the man that you love. He's still there deep down inside. He's there. I will keep praying that the Lord enables you to love him, even when he seems a bit unlovable...and I will continue to pray for healing in your home.

P.S. And PMS sucks!!

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