4.06.2008

A horrible, crappy, not-so-good, really bad week

I know that unfortunately many of you have come to expect hearing this from me: it was a really bad week. The fact that you expect me to always complain now saddens me. I had decided to just zip-lip and keep it all to myself lately and run to the throne instead of the phone....except for when it comes to calling Allison. God and then Allison--usually in that order. But then again, even when I try to spare her the gory details of my life, she calls to get her daily dose of gore--so I give it to her. And let me say this: if it seems to YOU that I have a lot to complain about lately, try standing in my shoes for a few minutes. I say minutes because I don’t think anyone could last a few days. I just can’t seem to come up for air lately! All I want is a few breathes before being pulled back under, I just can’t seem to get lucky enough.

There are a few things that I have been going through that I won’t mention on here. Mainly because they’re super, super personal and some people in my life (mainly my kids) don’t know about them. Suffice it to say that they were heart and gut-wrenching for me. If you work with me or know me very well then you probably know about it. My heart was pretty sad and I had a pretty rough time for a few weeks. On top of that I had the whole culmination of the year-plus battle with my mortgage company. That was some stress my friends! Along with that was some typical (for us anyways) marriage junk that will (I fear) never go away. All that being said and done, the big bang was on Thursday.

Courtney started my day out really bad by bugging me to unground her so that she could go to a friends house and when I wouldn’t, she stooped to a whole new low. She caused the biggest, hurtful, emotional mess I’ve seen for a little while. She spewed LIES about me to everyone and their mother that day. While at work my phone kept ringing from different people to ask if the things Courtney had just told them were true--and they never were. She had called several people in hysterical sobs telling them that I threw her out of the house and told her to not come back. Supposedly this all happened after Scott & I got in an argument and I took my frustration out on her. Everything she said was a 100% fabrication. She told them that I called her names and that I kicked her out and made her go to live with her dad, and she didn’t know what to do because she didn’t want to live with her dad...but she was now homeless....BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

The basic truth is that she wanted ungrounded, I said no, we argued about it and I yelled at her that she "is worse than living with a controlling husband--she only comes around me when she wants something and when she doesn’t get what she wants then she treats me like crap." She then took that statement and twisted it into "she said she’d rather be with the evil one than live with me." She then decided that she wanted to go to her dads house and I told her that if she went, she’d better think good and hard about it because this isn’t going to become her newest tool of manipulation. I found a note in my room when I came home from work saying "Mommy I love you more than anything, you’re my best friend. I just think we’re bumping heads a little lately and could use some time apart." But yet she told everyone and their mother that I threw her out in the cold, called her names, said I had already gotten rid of Darren and now decided she could go to so that I could have a family with just Scott and the girls, etc etc etc. Stupid, dramatic, teenage garbage. But it was so hurtful that I’m still reeling from the impact. At what point does a person say enough is enough?

She has called here several times since then to tell me that she loves me, etc. I talk to her, but truthfully I’m just not ready to talk very much to her. She’s not some man who is a dime a dozen--she’s my CHILD. The one thing she told people that actually was true was that I called her a traitor--and I meant it. I said to her, "you REALLY want to go live with your dad?"

"No."

"Then WHY are you saying that you do?"

"Because I know he’ll ignore me, but I’d rather be there than here."

"Then go! Go choose the piece-of-crap man who abandoned his wife and children when you were a year old for another woman and has never been a good father to you since!!! Choose him over the woman who has raised you and done EVERYTHING for you! You’re a traitor! Go over there and get your belly full! I hope it all works out for you Courtney, because you will quickly see that no one will love you like your mother." And she did. She left. I’m quite willing to own the fact that I’m still in a rather irrational, hurt place but I sometimes wonder what the use of having kids is. You take care of yourself and nurture your body to make sure they are born healthy, worry over them and protect them. Feel guilt over every little thing such as them eating too many twinkies and not enough green beans. You work your fingers to the bone so that they can have the Abercombie clothes. WHY???? Seriously....WHY???? So that they can take it all for granted and stab you in the back and in the heart and walk away leaving you in heaps not caring how hurt you are? What’s the use? God knows more than anyone how much I love my kids, but I’m ready to throw my hands in the air and say enough is enough. And God also knows that if I didn’t still have these two innocent little ones who have no one but me to depend on or love, I would have definitely said enough is enough long ago. They are what is holding me here....thank God for them.

No comments:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...