Eucharisteo: Solitude

 

It's been nearly two years since I left Paul.  Two years that I've been single and mostly in solitude.  Two since I've allowed myself to even entertain many new friendships.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a hermit.  But I've been pretty solitary and have set some pretty serious boundaries when it comes to men.  Well, one boundary really...no man can come near me. 

No, you can't have my number.  No, I won't go out with you...not even as friends.  No, I won't sleep with you.   

I know that I'm supposed to be single right now, and that it is healthy for me.  But I can feel this season winding down.  Don't get me wrong (I'm pretty much talking to you Lauren lol), I'm still not ready to start dating.  But, I can feel it coming.  I can feel the veil starting to lift a little bit.  I have even agreed to go to dinner with a guy from work as friends only.  That's a huge step for me.

All of this has me reflecting on what it is that I've gained from this time alone.  I haven't put a whole lot of thought into it until now, so I will try to think as I write and see what comes up.

1)  I have gotten to know myself better.  I've gotten to know the rhythms of my life, tastes, and body when they are not influenced by a man.  I've never had that before.  There has always been a man of some sort.  

I've learned that I don't particularly like or want a man in my space full-time.  That doesn't mean that there won't ever be one.  It just means I really love being single and alone in my home.

2)  I've gotten to know my own energy.  This has to be one of the most valuable take-aways from this alone time.  Whenever I was around a hateful person, I tended to become hateful too.  I always felt horrible about this because I knew that wasn't me, but just assumed the relationship brought out the worst in me.  Now I know that it was the energy that was affecting me.  

Not knowing I am an empath and not know to protect myself from negative energy, when I was around someone with low vibrations, my vibrations fell to that level.  Not only that, but I would feel what the other person felt and assume that those were my feelings and behavior.  I literally became the other person.

Since living on my own, I now know my own energy and there is a lightness of being to it.  And when faced with a difficulty, I tend to react more calmly than not.  There is a lot of love and peace.  It has taught me just how important the energy of my partner is to my own well-being.  I've also gotten to know what my own energy feels like so that I can recognize energy that isn't mine.

3)  I've learned how to let my "yes" mean yes, and my "no" mean no.  Simple enough.  I've learned how to say "yes" when I want to do something and "no" when I don't.  I don't owe anyone an explanation for anything.

4)  I've learned how to set boundaries.  Enough said.

5)  I've learned how to be less codependent.  Less of a rescuer.  Lets call a spade a spade...I will probably be working on this until I die.  Some traits run deep.  But I'm better at it.  I'm at least better at spotting it when I do it.  I do a way better job of letting people be responsible for their own stuff and try to handle their messes themselves.  Nobody learns from being rescued.

6)  I've learned what is important to me in a partner.  I need someone who is kind, open-minded, open-hearted, and a bit spiritual without being a total flake.  I need a gentleman and a gentle-man who is still masculine and can make me feel safe and protected.  I NEED HIM TO NOT HAVE VOTED FOR TRUMP.  He also needs to be able to have conversations with me.  Even if he doesn't believe in everything I do, he needs to be able to listen and keep an open mind without judging me.  He needs to be patient and slow-to-anger.  When he does get angry, he needs to still be kind.  I need someone who doesn't expect me to go out and be super-social with them or on the go all the time (see #10).  No small children please.  Or over-involved in-laws.  Oh, and sex.  Yes, lots of sex. 

7)  I've learned the value of the men I have loved and how to separate the behavior from the person.  We are all one.  We are all created from divine love and although there are a few of my ex's that I haven't evolved this far with yet, most of them I simply love and don't hold their shitty behavior against them. 

8)  I've learned that love can go on, even if the relationship doesn't.  This goes hand-in-hand with number seven.  I don't have to dislike someone (unless there is a really good reason) just because we aren't together anymore.  I talk to Paul almost every day now.  I love him as much as I ever did and I miss him every day.  But I will never be in a relationship with him because I now know what I need in a partner...and he doesn't have those things.

9)  I've learned that I am enough all by myself.  I am whole.  I am capable.  I am independent and I like taking care of myself.  A man would be a bonus.  I'm grateful to know that I am all I ever need.  I am so grateful that God created me to be a strong, strong-willed, independent person.  I would like to be in a long-lasting healthy relationship, but I will also survive and be happy if I'm not.  To know that is a huge blessing.

10)  I've learned to appreciate solitude.  It is so vitally important to every human being, but especially empaths.  Being alone in my own space is my favorite thing to do.  I think over the next year I'm going to venture out a little bit more.  But this will always be my go-to and I'm okay with that. 

11)  I've learned that I have a tendency to take my eyes off of my own life, projects, growth when I'm in a relationship.  Because I am a rescuer, my eyes tend to be on everyone else...kids and man, instead of myself.  I need to stay mindful of that and keep my focus on my own stuff.

12)  I've learned to ask for what I need.  Whatever that might look like.

13)  I've learned that I am a lot to handle.  I remember once saying, "I'm just a simple girl." Collin laughed and responded, "There is nothing simple about you.  You are the most complex, dynamic, strong, intelligent women I know.  If you were simple you would have never caught my eye."  I now know that is true.  

I was created to be a dynamic force-of-nature. Not being arrogant, just truthful.  I can accomplish anything I set my mind to. I am driven.  I give a lot and I expect a lot.  I love hard and I expect the same in return.  

The problem is that I had a very bad habit of being willing to dumb myself down to fit whatever luke-warm man I was with at the time.  No more.  I will no longer play small to make others feel big.  No, they need to up their game.

There's good stuff there.  I like where this alone time is going.  I want to get the most out of it that I can before this season comes to a close.

 

 

XO, Veronica