7.20.2013

To the left, to the left....


Y'all would not believe 
the day I have had.

Or the depths of the depravity that I have learned of.

What's scary is that it is making me think that Paul actually looks pretty darned good right now. 

But I won't go there.

Anyways.

As bummed as I am, actually more angry than bummed, but bummed nonetheless, it is all still a direct answer to prayer.

See, it went like this...
A few weeks ago he started acting weird. 
You know when things are "off".
Well, this one...well, he tends to throw a whole set of vibes uniquely his own when things are off. You just know something's up. Well, of course even when I would question him on it, he would reassure me & attempt to throw me off of the scent. 
Try to blame it on not enough sleep, or this or that. Or too much stress from some of the "stuff" he's going through 
(yes Kim, I've known all about it for a long time. I'm sorry he just told you. 
I've thought you deserved to know too. I'm glad he finally shared.) 
Anyways, this was beyond the normal stress from his "stuff". 

He was up to something. 

So I started praying. 
Praying for God to show me the truth. 
"Lord, please show me the truth, no matter what it is. Please show me if he is not being honest & honorable. Please protect my heart. If he is not the person for me & if he is not acting right, please show me. Please show me soon. Please Lord show me the truth."

That became my prayer day and night.

Oh.... And he had also taken to spending all of his time with his face buried in his phone. His phone that he also never let out of his sight. Umm, hello? *red flag*

So, fast forward to a few days ago. 
It's almost time for my kids to return from vacation, so he leaves my house & heads back to where he is staying. 
I get a few weird texts from him in the middle of the night like he's texting about a nightmare he's having,
And then NOTHING.
At all.
For like a day and a half.

Which is really weird.

So this morning, I send him a text saying, "Are you safe?"

Nothing.

So I send another one explaining that if I don't hear something back shortly, then I am going to contact the police or something. Because I haven't heard anything since those really weird texts in the middle of the night. 

Within minutes, a stranger calls me & says, "Is this Veronica? I found this phone, and I found your name in it." I agree to come pick up the phone & before I even arrive, Scott has called from a cheap tracfone that he bought & seems nervous that I'm going to get it. He offers to go with me if I'll come pick him up first (because I have the address & will be there first).

But no. 

I get that phone & I sit down & read through every damn nook & cranny of it. 

GIRL, DID YOU THINK I WOULDN'T???

PSSSHHHH!!!! PLEASE! 

Only a damn fool would not attempt to find out the truth!

I read every text message, every chat, every email. Particularly from the time he & I got back together. 

What I read made me sick 
& broke my heart.
Depravity doesn't begin to cover it.

Lies, betrayal,lasciviousness,  ...yeah, it was all there. 

I now knew the truth.  Thank you Lord.  Prayers answered.

Needless to say, this  morning did not proceed calmly. 

I let him know where to go & 
what to do with himself.

Lose my number and don't EVER contact me again.

This nine year journey has officially come to an end. 

Know what his response was? 

"What about my phone & my other stuff there? Can you bring it to me?"

Umm, no asshole! I can't!

This did not sit well with him & he became beside himself that I would have the nerve to not feel like running to him & spend my afternoon inconvenienced for this guy that just did me wrong. 

I let him know that it must be nice to live  in a world that is all-Scott-all-the-time. I wonder what it is like to be so selfish and self-absorbed. He said that, Yes, for the first time in 43 years he is allowing himself to be selfish. He is now his #1 priority.  Sorry, but I don't think his selfishness just started. 

I also filled him in on a new concept...
maybe when you know that you have hurt someone or have broken their heart, 
MAYBE YOU SHOULD SAY

"I'M SORRY."

He said that maybe after he's done dealing with this stuff he's dealing with, things will
be different, blah blah blah.
I responded by telling him that this goes way beyond what he's dealing with. 
This goes down to a core human decency level. Betraying people seems to come naturally to him. 

And I want no part of it. Not now or ever.
I don't care HOW MUCH "stuff" he
deals with.
Don't EVER contact me again.
He mistook my kindness for weakness,
my love for stupidity.
I am nobodies doormat.
No sir.

In the great words of Beyonce,
"To the left, to the left."


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