2.21.2008

A Girl’s Bad Day, Better Evening, and Humbling Night

I've decided to take a break from my homework to write about my day. The first thing that comes to mind is that this day sucked. It was a bad day, and I haven't had one of those for a while now.

Those of you closest to me know the issue I'm going through with Scott's new doctor (his old one left the facility), and the fact that the doctor immediately decided to take Scott off of ALL of his bipolar meds and mood stabilizers, and just put him on a general (and very BENIGN) antidepressant and an anti-anxiety med....because he wants to "start with a blank pallet", and after-all, Scott seems "very stable and just has a little anxiety". I got on the phone with that doctor and kindly stated my case--which consists of the fact that he's a total flockin' idiot and that he's playing russian roullette with our lives! I told him that of course Scott is stable right now.... BECAUSE HE'S ON STABILIZERS!!!

The doctor totally blew me off and dismissed me, so I decided to throw a little weight around--and I'm a big girl honey! I said to him very s-l-o-w-l-y and precisely, "Listen to me closely. I am GOING ON THE RECORD to say that I COMPLETELY disagree with you. I think you are making a very FOOLISH decision, and fully believe that you have done NO research into my husband's records to see what dire consequences are going to come of this. And you better hear my words clearly...you are WRONG." He took that exactly as I meant it...you screw up and something happens to him or this family, I will not only sue the crap out of you, but I will make sure you are buried under the jail! His response was, "let me look at his chart some more and get back to you." Uh huh. Like I thought...now we're speaking the same language.

He then calls me back and tells me it's ok to leave Scott on one of the meds, but to discontinue the others. I was still livid. He assures me that he is "available for me and any concerns whenever I need him." Bullcrap. My concerns starting rising in the last week or so, as Scott has been starting to slip slowly away. He is distant and moody. He is withdrawn and irritable. THINGS ALL WAY TOO FAMILIAR to me. I tried to call his doctor and was told, "I'm sorry, he's out of the office until sometime next week (this was on a Friday)." I asked if they could page him, and they said "No. He doesn't take calls. If you have a need before then, you can either call the police or 911." I was pissed.

Because of this, I took up his counselor's offer to come to Scott's appointment with him today. I wanted to reiterate to him exactly why I was so adamant about these meds. Turns out I didn't have to tell him much, because the "old" Scott came out full-force during the session. Well, not full-force, but still enough that the counselor could see for himself. Scott was angry and pounding the arms of his chair and talking over me and yelling at me. He was very paranoid and uncooperative. It was a mess. Do you know that he had the nerve to say the words, "I don't have an addictive personality, she's just trying to make me look bad!". Uh huh! I about fell out of my chair.

I eventually ended up in sobbing tears, yelling at the counselor to look at my husband and see what they have accomplished by taking his medication away. Because when Scott's properly medicated, he is NOTHING like that. He is prince charming! Seriously. I then sobbed that I couldn't do this for even one more minute. That they needed to fix him or find a place for him to live and I stormed out. I sat in the waiting room crying in disbelief that we are in this position again. I had yelled at the counselor at one point, "You're supposed to changed someone's meds when they QUIT working! NOT when they ARE working!" He was doing so good. At least I know that it's possible, and this is largely a result of his illness and not him as a person.

It was such a low-point for me that when they came out of the office, I wouldn't even look at either of them. I came home and wouldn't speak to Scott for most of the day. I totally ignored him and pulled away from him in disgust when he tried to kiss my neck. I was so done. He spent the day trying to kiss my butt and be all lovey-dovey, but I wasn't having it...not after the way that he acted and treated me just a few hours earlier. Hell no. I called and cancelled my part of a doctor's appointment we had for tomorrow and wrote him out directions. He acted so disappointed and asked me why I did that. I looked at him like he's as crazy as he is, and said "because of the fiasco that happened today! If you think I'm going to give you another opportunity to act like a fool and treat me like crap, you've got another thing coming! I am NOT going with you ANYWHERE." Then I went to take a nap in order to avoid him.

When I woke up, I felt a little bit better. The girls were home and that always puts me in a better mood. We had pizza for dinner and snuggled in bed and watched American Idol. Every once in a while, Scott would come in to kiss me on the head, or tell me he loved me...like he always does. He was acting so normal, it was almost like the Twilight Zone to think about how he had acted earlier today. I softened towards him a little bit, but I was still so turned off by him that I barely spoke to him, and totally ignored his advances towards me. Yeah, as if I would really do that with you after the way you acted. Riiiight.*rolling eyes*

Anyways, he fell asleep and I decided I needed to at least pretend to start my homework. I signed into the website and saw that I have an A in my class so far, with only 2 weeks to go! :) YAY! That immediately made me feel a little bit better. I opened my notebook to the workshop that just started this evening and read the first few paragraphs...and God got me. (let me preface this by saying that being "a world changer" is one of the goals and objectives of this nursing program that we have to meet.)

"A world changer is a servant leader who is committed to seeking God, pursuing His will, and understanding His purpose for life and work.

YOU ARE A WORLD CHANGER...

What are you doing in your family, your community, and at your place of employment to change the world? A world changer is a servant leader who exhibits certain knowledge, skills, beliefs, and attitudes based on Biblical principles.

ROMANS 12:9-17 (NIV)

Love must be sincere...Be devoted to one another...Honor one another above yoursleves. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer...

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse...Live in harmony with one another..."

*cricket, cricket*

Yeah. Sitting here in the silence, I tried to think of how I applied any of this to my life today. I couldn't think of anything. My original goal and intention was to help and act out of love by going to the doctor, but as soon as things turned rough...I fought back and then stormed out throwing my hands up in defeat and screaming that I could just care less. I then slept all day in order to avoid doing anything for anyone...including the Lord. Ouch.

I think I'm going to get back to my homework now. Please pray for me, because I am really struggling right now. My flesh still wants to rebell and say, "This isn't what I signed up for!", but my heart wants to please my one true love...Jesus. I don't know what will happen in my future. But I know that He does. I don't know why all of this is happening...and why I seem to be the one he likes to pick to be in these messes, but he does. I don't trust Scott to work it out in the end, but I trust my Lord to take care of me, lead me, and heal me when needed. That's the only thing that I have to cling to, and he's never let me down before. I've come through a whole lot worse than this. I need to not grow so weary on the journey. I'm tired after all I've been through, but my journey isn't over. I have to stay strong, and stay the course. If I can just hold fast, I know it will all be alright in the end.

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