His boots are made for walkin’

I'm not getting any AGAIN today *sigh*...that seems to be my most frequent thought lately, unfortunately. Admittedly this has become somewhat of an idol in my life and I'm trying to deal with it, believe me. But if you want to know just how important sex is in a marriage...just ask the person who wants it but isn't getting it!

Exactly what sex does and fulfills is an entirely different blog (because it does sooo much--on every level of the relationship), but with reflecting the last few days on the state of my union and wondering where it's going, what's going to happen, yada yada yada, it's been really easy to focus on those negative things floating through my mind. It's so easy, in fact, to forget that you're just a sinner married to another sinner and things are never going to flow with total peace and smoothness. It's so easy to forget that my lover is not the lover.

Once upon a relationship I got spoiled by someone who totally "got me". No matter what situation we were in, we had the best time--laughing, joking, talking, pondering--it was the most amazing, laid-back, satisfying relationship I'd ever had.....until I found out he was married. While that taught me that no relationship is what it seems and it will never be perfect, I still hung onto the idea that other relationships could be as good as that one in all the other ways. What I'm just now starting to understand (a little bit) is that I think that was the relationship exception rather than the rule.

My husband (or any other man for that matter) isn't always going to think everything I say is the most awesome, well-thought out, articulate, enlightening thing that he's ever heard. Most of the time I'm going to get a simple "uh-huh, that's nice" while he's still staring at the tv. He's not going to dress stylishly (unfortunately) all the time and I actually will get sick of looking at his bed-head and holey sweat pants day after day. On the other hand, am I all that fantastic and fullfilling to him? As I roll my eyes at him dragging in yet another box of "junk" to tinker with or another abused and abandoned computer from someones curb, I'm sure he's not feeling all that understood and appreciated.

What my soul needs to finally grab hold of is that as long as the important stuff is there...fidelity, etc...the rest just has to be ok. For me because of those few "perfect" times in past relationships I've learned that being fulfilled means finding someone to finish your sentences for you and to "ooh and awww" over every word you say. That's not reality and I know it...it's just soooo hard to let go of! I mean who doesn't want a soul-mate instead of just a room-mate? Yeah, that's tough to let go of, but it's something that I have to let die if I want to thrive in this marriage instead of just existing.

This morning I woke up to the phone ringing...it was one of the places Scott had recently applied. He starts work tomorrow morning at 8:30 (pray for him!)!!! p.s...YAY GOD! :) I can already hear cynical voices in my ears saying things like "yeah, I wonder how long that will last!"--but it's a START. It's the first answered prayer of the new year and I'm taking it. It's at a place 1/2 a block away so he can walk if he has to and we just went to WalMart and bought him some nice work boots (that are made for walkin', and that's just what he'll do! lol). This morning, after he told me about the new job, he brought me in a danish he had gone out and bought me for breakfast. Little things like that really get me. I don't need diomands or fancy vacations....throw the big girl a danish from the corner store and it will be all good! LOL

It's little things like this that make me think the other stuff will fall into place. If not, God will handle it...but for today things are good. I'm calm (and medicated! heehee) and I have a husband with a job who bought me danish because he was thinking about me. I'll take it. :)