Abounding and abasing

"11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.

12 I know both how to be abased, and I know how to abound..."

Why do I still have so much trouble with this? As many times as I have been in between a rock and a hard place, one of the main sources of stress in my life is still worrying about money. What I want to do is learn how to stand on the rock when I'm in the hard place.

It's amazing to me just how fast things can go from abounding (lots) to abasing (little)! One day we will have plenty of everything and then just the next day, it seems, I hear the kids saying "there's nothing to eat in there" and I have no money to replace it.

There was a mix-up with my bank account (AGAIN! GRRRR!) and because of a withdraw that I didn't know about (grrr again), the money that was used to buy Scott's work boots caused an overdraft. *sigh* Now my bank is charging me $35.00 PER DAY that my account is negative on top of my $35.00 NSF fee! Because of the sick days I had to take, that basically means my ENTIRE check is going to be consumed by the fees. The NSF also caused my car payment to bounce...and because of where I bought the car they are not having that and are threatening to take my car if not paid by TOMORROW. *sigh again.* What else is frustrating is that the little bit of money Scott earned from working those two days after buying the boots isn't even enought to cover the fees from buying the stinkin' boots! The last time I asked my parents to borrow money was a few years ago and they told me "no" (I have the "tough love" type of parents), so I know not to go down that road again.

I'm so frustrated and stressed. How many times to I have do travel this same road. I know I'm not the best at budgeting, but I've been doing pretty good for a long time now. The fact that I only have $5.00 in my wallet when I thought I should have MORE and the fact that there was a withdraw from my checking account while I was sleeping infuriates me. He's trying so hard in every other way, but still doesn't get it when it comes to money. I had changed the PIN on my debit card because of this and made the mistake of telling him what it was one day at the ATM because he was driving and I couldn't reach the machine. I guess I'm just going to have to change it again.

Please pray for me. I know that God always provides. I know it somewhere inside of me anyways. I have seen evidence of it over and over and over again. But part of me still has trouble letting it go and knowing it will come from somewhere. I want this marriage to work, but I don't want it to cost me everything either. I don't want my car repossessed! (how will I get to work and earn money then?) I don't want to resent him and be stressed all the time. He really is trying, why are things still rough? Why am I still whining about it when I know that somehow it will work out? I don't know. Because writing it down is the best way to get it out so it doesn't fester inside of me and make me explode, I suppose.

Lord, I know that you will not let me go without what I need. Lord, you know that we need food and a car. If I did anything to cause this I am so sorry and I repent. Scott is your child Lord, I can't parent him and am getting sick trying to do so...please help. Please help in every area. Please let me have a peaceful, calm birthday tomorrow and thank you for all of the blessings in my life...because I know there are alot. I love you so much Lord! In Jesus name, amen.