6.10.2006

T.M.I.

I've been reading "Battlefield of the Mind" by Joyce Meyer the last few days. It's about the power of thoughts and being positive. About the strongholds that satan gets in our minds to keep our thoughts where they shouldn't be or in a negative place, and the effect that has on our lives. I've always tried to be a positive person but honestly I've never truly paid a whole lot of attention to exactly what thoughts I was thinking. I've kind of just always let my mind go where it wants to. I know everything will all work out and that God loves me and that I should love others, etc. But my thought-life has never been under too much control. So anyways, today I've been trying to pay attention to the thought processes going on up there in my busy little brain and I've gotta say...it looks like I might have a little work to do.

It started off with the fact that I don't feel good today. I found myself dwelling on how miserable I feel and how nauseous I am, etc. That in and of itself is enough to keep me feeling miserable. I'm not saying I should deny that I don't feel good, but it would probably be much more beneficial to say something like "I know I'm getting better every single minute"...or something positive like that. But what really got me today was the war that started waging on the battlefield of my mind when I saw a certain picture online.

I still have one of my ex's on my messenger list and still talk to him occassionally. You know, surface stuff like how's the weather? or Did you get your new job? Stuff like that. Things that don't really matter but show that you're making an effort to be nice and get past things. And I really am trying to get past things. I am. I have Scott back in my life now, which is the biggest blessing. He's the best thing that could've happened to me right now and if I were still with this other person I never would've even tried to find Scott again. I know that this other person was not meant for me....he was more of a fluke. Just one of those things...just one of those crazy flings.... and it's the right thing that we aren't together. But I think I've been in denial about how mad I still am about HOW things ended. He denies to this day being a cheater ...but he was.

Even if in his heart he had decided he'd rather be with this other woman, he had still never informed me of it! I had to discover it on my own and confront him about it. All this to say that I've tried really hard to forgive and forget and be civil to him since then....but SHE has never come up in conversation. Then today as I'm doing the new thing of paying attention to what I'm thinking, I catch myself thinking some not so nice things when I see the picture he has on his instant messenger of them all snuggled together. GRRRRRRRR. I was pissed and as I was talking to Allison I guess I started thinking out loud for a minute because she giggled and said, "Why don't you tell me how you REALLY feel??? lol"

I never would've told this person when chatting to him how resentful I still am about how things ended. I never would've told him that I think it's really insensitive to flaunt a picture where he knows I'll see it of the two of them together. No, I would've made polite chit-chat with him while having all of these corrosive thoughts going through my brain.

Thoughts are so important! That is where satan strikes first...and the effects usually last the longest. What I need to start realizing is that I don't have to live with that anymore. Certainly there will always be attacks on me...I'm a Christian and that's what happens. My enemy will attack me. But God has given me a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7 says so. I have the right as a child of God to not have such a busy mind with bitter thoughts running here and there. I love what Joyce Meyer says about this.

"Under the Old Covenant, the Sabbath was observed as a day of rest. Under the New Covenant, this sabbath rest spoken of is a spiritual place of rest. It is the privilege of every believer to refuse to worry or have anxiety. As believers, you and I can enter the rest of God."

I am also willing to admit that alot of my mental stress comes from the bad habit/addiction that I have always had for knowing too much. I want to know it all...right down to some private things I shouldn't have ever had access to (that ameteur should've had better passwords! lol). (BTW, that was a totally different person....I don't want this person reading this and thinking it was him. lol) I've come to realize (the hard way) that sometimes, ignorance is bliss. Not only do I not need to know everything, but I DON'T WANT to know everything. I don't want certain words or phrases stuck in my head. I don't want certain images burned in my brain for satan to play over and over. I don't want to know. I'm so ready for my mind to be a place of rest for me. I just want to be still and know that he is God.

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