3.28.2006

The theatre of life

Joleen called me today. She's been in the process of moving into a new house that they've been blessed with and she was moving some more things out of storage. She called to share with me that as she was sorting through some things she opened a drawer and found a card she had bought for me but never managed to get to me from 2003 (which was right after all of the "the evil one" stuff happened). She had written some pretty moving things in there to me but as she read it to me something stood out. She spoke about standing when others fall and she said "you're standing as tall as anyone can." Wow. What a compliment (even though I know I wasn't holding myself up). It's funny that she would write that because I remember seeing the evil one in court for the first time and he was so hunched over. He wouldn't even lift his head to make eye contact with anyone because of the shame. I remember being so sad for him. Yes, I was sad for my children and I but I was also sad for him. I was so sad that he had allowed himself to take a path so horrible that he couldn't even hold his head up and I remember praying that God would protect me from losing my integrity that way. Afterwards I made the comment to Allison that "He may be six foot two but he sure wasn't standing very tall today was he?"

I've been thinking about this alot lately because myself as well as some people in my life have been going through alot of garbage that isn't necessarily our faults and it's so easy to let my attitude sink right into the toilet. It's also easy to strike back. Fight fire with fire. I've gotta admit I've been really struggling with this lately. I want to remain graceful. I want to be able to say that I've acted with integrity no matter what happens to me. One of my "stock sayings" has always been "It doesn't matter what they do...that speaks to their character, not mine." But lately I think I've started to forget just where I came from.

Three years ago my life was in the valley of the shadow....and yet I managed every single day to live gracefully. I always said "my kids are only going to do as well as I do" and so I refused to let any seed of bitterness take root in me. But lately I can feel myself becoming bitter towards the evil one (and other people who have done me and those I care for wrong ). I wish the evil one harm for the first time. And Joleen was the one to call me out on it and remind me to stay true to who I am. She said, "You were right to not try and take that bitterness on before. You left it in God's hands...don't walk away from that. Don't give that up now." She was right and it hit home. How funny that God let her find that card from three years ago the same day that we had that conversation. God is so awesome isn't he? The way that he orchestrates things....sometimes we don't get it at the time but we just really have no idea what he's actually doing. He's writing the story of our lives and each dramatic episode is exactly that...a dramatic episode. A plot point. the evil one wasn't the main story of my life. Niether is any of the other garbage I've had to go through. They were sub-plots that helped to develop my story and my character. And I suppose, just like in any book or movie there comes a point when the main character starts acting funny, or almost makes a bad decision. You're left on the edge of your seat saying to yourself "no! they can't do that! They wouldn't really do that would they??" And hopefully, in the end...no they don't do "that"....they stay true to their characters and they do the right thing. I guess that's where I've been lately. I've been starting to act a little out of character in certain areas....and I don't like it. So I'm going to try to get back to myself. I like myself. Most people hate to hear others say something like that. It's seems so impossibly narcissistic but oh well! LOL I like myself...I'm not too shabby of a person. And I try and surround myself with people even more spectacular than I am. I have a pretty perfect life...even when it isn't. And I'm not going to blow it by growing a big bitterness tree right in the middle of my spirit!

I know where my story began, but only God knows where my story will end. Mine has been a story of amazing highs and lows. Incredible joy, the deepest love, heart-wrenching sadness and amazing triumph and victory. And it's not over yet....I can see the stage being set. I can see some characters moving in and out of my story. There are still some twists and turns to come I'm sure, but my happy ending is being written for me....and it's going to be great!

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