3.18.2006

Taller than the tallest tree is, that's how it's got to feel

I've had enough broken-heart surgery performed over the years to know that love is a place that I need to tread lightly....it's much safer ground keeping to myself rather than venturing into the unknown. Don't get me wrong, I love the thought of being in love. Living happily ever after...happy endings. Oh yeah, that's the life for me!...but how do you get there? I mean love is fire...how do you know if it's going to warm your heart or burn your house down??? I want the "warm" but I don't want to be left feeling even colder when it's gone.

I try my hardest to do "the work" and get rid of the baggage so that I can move on...but being the ever-cautious capricorn that I am....it's not always so easy. Especially after surviving hurrican S.A.M. last year (....you thought Katrina was devastating??? ) My goal is to be aware of my past, learn from my past, but never let my past hang so ominously over my future that I'm paralyzed. I know that life will always be uncertain to an extent. Actually I kind of welcome that. Total certainty is something that only fools or maniacs claim to experience and I'm a firm believer that we all kind of like surprises to a point (even if, like me, you emphatically exclaim that you HATE surprises). That's the whole reason that we program songs into our ipods that we hardly ever listen to. That's the reason that our eyes scan crowds looking for faces that perhaps we just might know. Deep down we want to be at least a little surprised in this life. We want some flavor....some punch. Just not too much right? After all, we're all just really like a big bunch of onions sitting around waiting for someone to peel our layers. Yeah, some of the layers might be stinky and even make your eyes water, but after all of the peeling is said and done...if you're cooked and seasoned just right....DELICIOUS! The flavor is so worth it! Carrie Bradshaw once said on SATC:

"You have to figure...if the world's fattest twins can find love, there's hope for all of us. Somewhere out there is another little freak who will love us, understand us, and kiss our three heads and make it all better."

I love that quote! Over the years and through all of the heartache the one thing that I have come to know without a shadow of a doubt is that I am not perfect. I'm oh so far from it. But that's okay with me. And I want someone to love me who that's okay with too. I want someone to fall in love with my particular fragrance....something that they can't imagine living without. There has to be a hole left in their lives if I'm not there...or it's just not real enough for me. I want to be cherished. Desired. I want to fall in love with the way that he says my name...knowing that I've never heard it spoken like that before...knowing that my name is safe in his mouth. And I don't want perfection in a partner either. I want to enjoy peeling away their strong layers and seeing how they come to life with the proper seasoning. Perfection isn't even desirable to me. What is desirable to me, however is someone who is well aware that I am delicate. Just like everyone else in the world, I've been through alot too and I need you to be as gentle with me as I should be with you. I'm so ready and willing to climb out on the limb....but I'm not willing to lead the way....and I'm certainly not willing to climb out there alone. I am willing to be patient with you. I'm willing to be careful with you. I need the same in return...and I trust you to give that to me.

I've learned over the years that desperation leads to settling. I've also learned that one thing that leads to a desperate-feeling life that makes you think you need rescued from is purposelessness. Well, I am working on learning my purpose...and I certainly don't feel like I need rescued from my life anymore. I love my life and that's a beautiful thing because that means never again will I be willing to settle. I now know what real love looks like and I will settle for nothing less. Here's another Carrie quote that I've always loved....

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you YOU love, well that's just fabulous."~Don't look for the one person you can live with...find and keep the one person you can't live without.~

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