7.31.2011

Big bad wolf



I can't remember the last time I was struggling this hard.  I feel so full of resentment, hurt and rejection that I can hardly breathe.  It feels like a living, breathing, tangible creature crawling around inside of me that will reach out and grab someone if I walk too close to them.  He's being very friendly to me since our last argument.  However, not much has changed.  I am still an afterthought to him.  I am still not a priority or a desire.  I never will be.  I know that.  We'll file that under things my intuition is telling me today that I am ignoring and pretending will all be okay.  Let's see.  What else can I come up with?
  • That I'm living with his representative and that he really hasn't or won't be changing.
  • That we don't love each other, we're just trying to make the best of it because we've come this far, why not see if it all works out.
  • That he is definitely not husband material, so why am I wasting my time?
  • He could care less about my needs, wants and/or desires.
  • He still has himself listed as single on FB and still comments on that girl from the dating websites statuses and pictures 100% more than he ever has mine.
  • He is turned off by me and thinks sex with me is disgusting.
  • I see him just as much on the weekends as I do on the weekdays, which is next to zero.
  • This is wrong.  I shouldn't be here.  I want to run away.
Every time I think of things like this, I get this overwhelming mixture of sadness and anger towards Collin.  I'm so mad at him.  I'm so hurt by him.  Every time I pay attention to my gut and acknowledge that I'm not being treated right, I getter madder at Collin because I shouldn't be here getting treated wrong by a man, any man, who doesn't deserve me and is never going to treat me right.  It's his fault that I'm here and not there.  Why not just leave and try to find someone better?  Because there is no one better.  They're all fucked up asshole individuals.  Why trade in this screwed up jerk who doesn't treat me right only to find another screwed up jerk who doesn't treat me right?  Why go through the bother and trauma?  The only man who has ever treated me right was Collin.  And even he's gone.  So why bother?

And I keep praying.  I keep asking God to please heal these areas in me so that I quit feeling the rejection the way I do, so that I react like He would react and not how my flesh wants to react, that He would heal this garbage.  And yet here I still am.  I'm at a loss and I quit.  I really really quit.
lurve you, xoxo v.

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