5.31.2010

GAHHHHH!!!

I was asked a few months ago,
"What's your favorite part of Ohio?
If you could only tell me one part of Ohio to visit,
where would you tell me to go?"

I said "During the summer, along the coastline from Cleveland to say maybe Port Clinton.
Particularly Lorain County."

Because I just love where I grew up.
Just because I live somewhere else now
doesn't make me love it here any less.
Some people are all "I HATE Ohio,
can't wait to get out!"

Yeah, not me.

I LOVE OHIO

and am proud to be from here.
I love how green it is in the summer,
and being able to drive and see the water always makes me happy.
I love the flowers growing and the birds chirping....

Well, there's one thing that I forgot all about......

THE FREAKING BUGS!!!

I haven't even been in Lorain County 24 hours and I am
SKEEVED OUT
by all of the freaking bugs!

How can I live someplace for 35 years and
forget that what the great lakes region REALLY means in the summer time
is all kinds of creepy crawlies.
(I'm gagging as I type this)
BLECH!

It's May Fly season.
Yeah, just in time for my visit.
And not the great big, full-grown Canadian Soldiers...
but the little tiny nasty May Flies that flood the house (literally)
every time the door is opened.
The ones that then die all over the place because they only live for a few hours.
That means there are not only bugs, but DEAD bugs all over the place...
all the time.
(*ROLPH*)

And as I type this,
I'm watching a spider crawl up the outside of the sliding door
and another one outside the kitchen window.
I'm also watching some bees buzz around the picnic table.
ETC, ETC, ETC.!!!

Uggh.
If Courtney wasn't graduating,
I would already be trying to switch my plane ticket.
That's the truth.
Ohio, you know I love ya...
but I need some Benadryl to visit you....
and some Xanax.
xoxo veronica

5.29.2010

The best days with you....


Looking at this,
makes me remember where she came from...
and what a great road we've had together.
Great doesn't mean perfect...it means really, really great.
Courtney, I've had the best days with you.....





























We weren't sure this day would ever come.
Through turmoil and drama,
we were afraid that this milestone might fall through the cracks somehow...
But my baby girl...
my FIRST baby girl...
did it.
She's going to graduate this week,
and I couldn't be more proud of her.
I love you Corki
and I am truly proud to be your mom.

xoxo veronica

It's complicated....

I'm watching "It's Complicated" and really loved this movie because I have lived every part of this movie.  I have been the jilted wife.  I have been the other woman who cancels my plans to sit and wait for a man who never shows up because something happened at home.  I have been the single mother trying to figure it out.  And I have also been the woman who see what will happen when I try to make it work again with my ex-husband a decade after calling it quits.  I have also tried starting a new relationship when I'm not quite unstuck from the last one yet.

My romantic life has been many many things, sometimes all at the same time.  The one thing it has definitely always been is..... complicated.  I definitely get this movie.

Two thumbs up.

xoxo veronica

5.28.2010

That's right, be nice to me! lol


xoxo veronica

Makes me happy....


I was asked yesterday what kinds of things I like to do that make me happy.
Well, one of them is taking pictures of things 
I find in my surroundings that I find beautiful. 

Most people never notice some of these things.
Some will even ask me what it is that I'm taking a picture of because they don't see it.

But I see it.
It's all about finding the extraordinary in the ordinary....
God has all kinds of hidden pleasures out there for you!

















xoxo veronica

Messages from the other coast....

Courtney:
"Look how red I am!"

Geez Louise!  Did you fall asleep out there??

"Yeah :( "

(ouch)

Amelia:

"i wana candy bar!!!!!! but i DO NOT GET ONE that sucks :p"

You can't always get what you wa-ant. :)


Maddie:

"Would it be stupid for me to start saving money for a car?" 

Courtney:
"I just picked up my cap and gown :)! 





xoxo veronica

Raw

Holy cow if there is one word to describe me these past few days, it would be RAW. 

I couldn't quite put a name to it until I was in therapy this evening and she said, "As you're opening up all of this stuff, everything will probably begin to feel pretty raw for a while..."  A lightbulb went off in my head and I knew that was the perfect word to describe what I'm feeling.  I am ALWAYS on the verge of tears but can switch to full-out laughter in the blink of an eye. 

These waves of grief have started flooding over me quite unexpectedly too.  They usually don't last long... twenty minutes maybe... but they come out of nowhere and whammie me like a Mack truck.  And then they're gone.  Just as fast as they arrived.  I'm suddenly feeling everything in technicolor and 3-D and every other crazy way you can imagine....like my emotions took a hit of acid and now are on some crazy, unpredictable trip.

I think I'm starting to get on my therapists nerves a little bit too. lol  Now that the new patient/therapist crush is over and we're starting to get down to business, the real work has begun and she's seeing that I can be a little "stuck" sometimes.  She's seeing that I'm stubborn and progress isn't necessarily a breeze for me.  But I like her and we seem to work well together, so I think it will be all-good.

We talked a lot about my fears...because I am chock-full of those...always have been.  And most of them are completely irrational and I'm aware of that, but they still are what they are.  She was trying to figure out how long I've been afraid of things and I couldn't remember...for as long as I can think back.  I told her about the nightly nightmares I had as a child and would wake up scared to death.  We all know about my ridiculous whale phobia I have to this day because of those nightmares.  She asked if I could remember any specific incidents that scared me or made me feel vulnerable and it was hard for me to come up with anything because really EVERYTHING scared me as a kid. 

I came up with one time when I was about four-years-old and we lived on Harvard Ave. and everyone was outside painting the house.  It started pouring down rain and everyone ran in the house.  I was left outside and when I was pounding on the door to be let in, no one could hear me pounding because of the noise inside the house and the rain outside.  I was scared to death because I had been left behind, but also so heartbroken that no one had noticed I was gone.

I was also always VERY afraid at my dad's house.  He scared me, creeped me out.  There were always creepy, weird people at his house too.  I really, really hated it over there and would try to hide as much of the time that I could while I was there.  My step-mom Dodi was my only saving grace anytime I was over there.  She would try to bring me in bed with her and she would read me Bible stories.  She bought me a squirt gun and let me squirt it into the toilet.  She'd even play Barbie's with me and find me old stuffed animals.  That would have been the worst memories of my life had it not been for her and I'm so grateful that she was there to save me from the nightmare that was my father. 

We also talked about missing the girls and how I'm dealing with them being gone.  I miss them terribly and I'm kind of freaking out about being alone, but am also going to enjoy and use this summer for my retreat and healing.  Not only do I need to work on the "tough" stuff, but I need to self-sooth & comfort as well so that we have a balance of good stuff as well as the tough stuff. 

Also, I need to start writing more.  I do.  The thing is, it's not going to be all fun and games.   It's going to be the rough stuff balanced out with the stuff that makes me happy and smile and that feeds my spirit.  I think it's going to be a bit bipolar on here for a while, and that's okay with me.  Whatever works right now so that I can get THROUGH the tunnel.

That means that I may just write little thoughts that come to my mind or that I might post a picture or a song.  It might mean that I need to write out a particular memory from my past so that I can revisit it, feel it, and get it out there so it's very real to me again.  It's hard to heal and move on from something that you've stuff away for so long that it's totally surreal to you now.  It needs dug up again.

So here we go!  Looks like you're going on this journey with me my friends.  Thank you for being supportive and sticking by my side anyways.  I don't want any stopping or slowing down in the progress...I want to get this DONE!  I want to be happy and normal and have a romantic life again! lol  So it's all about business.  Please keep your arms and hands inside the moving car at all times, please keep your seatbelts fastened and enjoy your day here at.... Cedar Poiiiiint!  Oh wait, that was high school... you still get the idea.... hold on tight.  This may get bumpy.  Heeeeere we gooooooo!





xoxo veronica

5.22.2010

In which I begin to lose my shit a little.....


“Sometimes I come crashing down inside myself 
without anyone noticing.
I’m like an ambulance on two legs,
hauling the patient inside me to last aid 
with the wailing cry of a siren 
and people think it’s ordinary speech.”

This pretty much sums up how my week felt.  Even though I really did have an amazing week, it wasn't without consequences.  All of the new experiences, sights, sounds, people, etc combined with constant stressors of kids, work & daily life led up to a few fairly wicked anxiety attacks.  I had a lot of chest pain, A LOT of nausea, feelings of pending doom & danger... you know, all the typical stuff anxiety attacks have to offer.  The thing also is that because I am who I am, not many people knew about it at all and the rest didn't know the extent of it, because I am so adept at hiding it well.

I managed to keep it together better at some times than at others, but started to lose it in the therapist's office.  I also complained that I've hardly been able to write or do anything creative even though I want to SO BAD.  She said she thinks my system is in a bit of shock right now with all of the dredging up of old stuff I've been doing.  So to just be patient with myself.  That's probably the reason behind the brand-new panic attacks too.

Did I tell you she wants me to get mad? lol  It's a valid suggestion.  I tend to let myself feel anger and/or depression for about 30 seconds before trying to stick my chin out and carry on, the whole time apologizing for being so negative.  It seems that in my stages of grief, I tend to jump straight from bargaining to acceptance, skipping over the anger and depression for the most parts.  Haven't quite nailed down for myself why it is that I do that yet.  I really would like to get to the bottom of that one for myself.  It's looking like a combination of things.  First of all, a part of me feels it's just plain unladylike and rude.  Also it feels like a betrayal to me to be really angry at someone I love.  I don't let people talk shit about my loved ones and that includes me.  Also, I need to make nice so they will want to stay and not leave me.  Maybe they'll want to come back?  But they certainly won't want to if they see that I'm pissed off at them.

Mostly though, it's because my insides have just plain had ENOUGH of pain, loss and trauma.  I just can't take anyfuckingmore.  I stuff the bad experiences and the grief down so low that I can't get to it and then I put the smiley face back on or start cracking jokes in an attempt to move forward as quickly as possible.  Yeah, that's not working so well for me.  Because I can assure you it doesn't go away.  No, if you could see the traumas stacked inside of me, one on top of the other like colored sand poured into a glass bottle.  And coming from the family that I come from where everyone has the "get over it, it's done and over with" curse, it was never easy for me to be the black sheep who went against the grain and decided not to be that way.  Which I did by the way... decided early on to go against the grain and be completely different... and it still happened to me to a point anyways.

So now that we are uncorking the bottle and trying to begin the archeological dig through the lifetime of layers, the residual effects are beginning to show.  I think it's a good thing that I have the summer to myself because this might get ugly.  She wanted me to get angry and she's gonna get it! lol  The problem is that this anger is beginning to come out and it gets displaced because I don't know how to deal with it or what to do with it.  In San Fran, I went off on a Denny's manager because they didn't have SOUP [for the second time that weekend!].  Then today, I yelled over the phone at the insurance guy and told him how badly he was irritating me.  This is not normal behavior and certainly not normal for me.  Soooo.... still a work in progress at this point.

Brace yourselves everybody.... I'M GOING IN!   (aka: I wish there was an app for that!)



xoxo
Veronica

5.07.2010

The end of an error........

Let Freedom Ring!!!

xoxo veronica

From news of the WORST to working on letting go of the best....


MY DIVORCE PAPERS CAME TODAY!!!!
Happy doesn't BEGIN to cover the giddiness I'm feeling! :)

Therapy is going well.
As far as that kind of thing goes anyways.
We've been trying to deal with the immediate issues at hand
and will dive into the old stuff eventually.
Right now...this most recent relationship
(No, NOT Primo! LOL  That was more of a joke than a relationship)
No, this most important relationship that kind of ended in October and then went
very much on & off until just two weeks ago,
that also had some heavy emotional stuff going on for me up until just a few nights ago.

aka:

THE LAST THING ON EARTH I WANT TO TALK ABOUT!
And that's the reason she wouldn't let it go.
Because it's what bothers me the most.

And honestly, if getting it out, dealing with it and being able to move forward from it
means talking about it, then lets talk!
I can't say that it helped me a TON,
but it did help some.

She said a few things that really hit home & one thing in particular that
I can already tell will help a tremendous amount.

"Just because it wasn't a healthy relationship (because you deserve someone to be there for you 24/7),
doesn't mean it wasn't a successful relationship.  Because it was very successful."

Hearing it put like that changed many things for me.
I didn't want this relationship labeled with "failure" or "unhealthy"
because I can't think of one negative thing to say about him or my experience with him.
It wouldn't matter what would happen, I would still think the sun shines out of his ass.
He is just the coolest shit ever.
But hearing that it can be deemed unhealthy for the various reasons and 
still ALSO be deemed a "success" made all the difference in the world!

We discussed how this was going to be a very long goodbye because there
will be some significant grieving going on there.
She acknowledged that he was the very first person in my life to ever give me unconditional love...
no matter what... no matter when.
He loved me & told me I was wonderful NO MATTER WHAT.

Because of this, not only is 37 year old Veronica grieving for him, 
but so is 30 year old, 21 year old, 16 year old, 12 year old and 3 year old Veronica's. 
That's significant grief.
But grief that is necessary and that will help to move to the next place.

The good news?
That I am able to love and be in relationship.
She said many people she has treated have had similar histories &
they are closed down tight & unable to love and/or develop those deep attachments to ANYONE.
The hope for me is that I am able to love and respond to love
and that I'm open (even when I'm all over the place) 
and not closed down like a vault.

I'm also already starting to feel somewhat better 
in regards to my kids & the various reasons
I tend to feel guilt with them.

Overall, I can already tell this is going to be a long, hard process...
but one that's going to be SO worth it.
Go before me Lord,
this might get rough.
xoxo veronica

One of my favorite songs right now



OMG (Oh My Gosh)
by
Usher
(ft. Will.I.Am)

xoxo veronica

5.04.2010

Maddie quote of the day

Maddie actually managed to get a quote shout-out (LOL)

"Canadians speak ENGLISH?!?!"

I just stared at her for a minute after that.
xoxo veronica

5.02.2010

A girl is... smiling :)


I can't believe I'm writing these words right now, but it needs to be said.....

I feel HAPPY!

Seriously, today is the first time in I have no idea how long... months maybe?... that I feel happy.  Joyful.  It's refreshing to be able to say that, but even more so to be feeling it.  And nothing in particular happened today.  As a matter of fact, I felt kind of crappy with my lupus flaring up & whatnot & I called off work because of it (Yeah, I did... which means please pray for me because I'm always afraid I'll get fired! lol).  So, aside from feeling physically a bit crappy, emotionally it's the first time in quite a while that I feel both hopeful and joyful.

Could it be because of the therapy I've been attending?  Haven't really done much work there yet, but maybe it's the process of starting?  Maybe it's because I filed the final final final set of divorce papers the other day along with my pre-postage-paid 9x12 self-addressed envelopes for the judge to mail out the final decrees to us (which means it is only a matter of days/weeks now!).  Maybe it's the fact that I went off the pill the other day because I have declared my life to be a penis-free zone for the foreseeable future while I'm working on my crap.  Could the chemicals already be leaving my body and putting me in a better mood?

Anyways, for whatever reason... I'm feeling good.  Happy, smiley... almost sociable even. I feel goofy and have been cracking jokes all day.  Basically back to my old self...hope it lasts.

Yay for happy days!
xoxo veronica

Clipart of the day


xoxo veronica

5.01.2010

Emma quote of the day


"A dolphin can never take off it's smile.  I love that."
xoxo veronica

When I say... (revisited)

This was a post I wrote a few years ago and I think it could stand to be revisited... especially for the one (non-)anonymous person who chose to call my Christianity "bullshit."  I hope it strikes a chord.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin'." I'm whispering "I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven."
When I say... "I am a Christian" I don't speak of this with pride. I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.
When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not trying to be strong. I'm professing that I'm weak And need His strength to carry on.
When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not bragging of success. I'm admitting I have failed And need God to clean my mess.
When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not claiming to be perfect, My flaws are far too visible But, God believes I am worth it.
When I say... "I am a Christian" I still feel the sting of pain. I have my share of heartaches So I call upon His name.
When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not holier than thou, I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!
--Maya Angelou


xoxo veronica
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