5.07.2010

From news of the WORST to working on letting go of the best....


MY DIVORCE PAPERS CAME TODAY!!!!
Happy doesn't BEGIN to cover the giddiness I'm feeling! :)

Therapy is going well.
As far as that kind of thing goes anyways.
We've been trying to deal with the immediate issues at hand
and will dive into the old stuff eventually.
Right now...this most recent relationship
(No, NOT Primo! LOL  That was more of a joke than a relationship)
No, this most important relationship that kind of ended in October and then went
very much on & off until just two weeks ago,
that also had some heavy emotional stuff going on for me up until just a few nights ago.

aka:

THE LAST THING ON EARTH I WANT TO TALK ABOUT!
And that's the reason she wouldn't let it go.
Because it's what bothers me the most.

And honestly, if getting it out, dealing with it and being able to move forward from it
means talking about it, then lets talk!
I can't say that it helped me a TON,
but it did help some.

She said a few things that really hit home & one thing in particular that
I can already tell will help a tremendous amount.

"Just because it wasn't a healthy relationship (because you deserve someone to be there for you 24/7),
doesn't mean it wasn't a successful relationship.  Because it was very successful."

Hearing it put like that changed many things for me.
I didn't want this relationship labeled with "failure" or "unhealthy"
because I can't think of one negative thing to say about him or my experience with him.
It wouldn't matter what would happen, I would still think the sun shines out of his ass.
He is just the coolest shit ever.
But hearing that it can be deemed unhealthy for the various reasons and 
still ALSO be deemed a "success" made all the difference in the world!

We discussed how this was going to be a very long goodbye because there
will be some significant grieving going on there.
She acknowledged that he was the very first person in my life to ever give me unconditional love...
no matter what... no matter when.
He loved me & told me I was wonderful NO MATTER WHAT.

Because of this, not only is 37 year old Veronica grieving for him, 
but so is 30 year old, 21 year old, 16 year old, 12 year old and 3 year old Veronica's. 
That's significant grief.
But grief that is necessary and that will help to move to the next place.

The good news?
That I am able to love and be in relationship.
She said many people she has treated have had similar histories &
they are closed down tight & unable to love and/or develop those deep attachments to ANYONE.
The hope for me is that I am able to love and respond to love
and that I'm open (even when I'm all over the place) 
and not closed down like a vault.

I'm also already starting to feel somewhat better 
in regards to my kids & the various reasons
I tend to feel guilt with them.

Overall, I can already tell this is going to be a long, hard process...
but one that's going to be SO worth it.
Go before me Lord,
this might get rough.
xoxo veronica

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