Holy cow if there is one word to describe me these past few days, it would be RAW. 

I couldn't quite put a name to it until I was in therapy this evening and she said, "As you're opening up all of this stuff, everything will probably begin to feel pretty raw for a while..."  A lightbulb went off in my head and I knew that was the perfect word to describe what I'm feeling.  I am ALWAYS on the verge of tears but can switch to full-out laughter in the blink of an eye. 

These waves of grief have started flooding over me quite unexpectedly too.  They usually don't last long... twenty minutes maybe... but they come out of nowhere and whammie me like a Mack truck.  And then they're gone.  Just as fast as they arrived.  I'm suddenly feeling everything in technicolor and 3-D and every other crazy way you can imagine....like my emotions took a hit of acid and now are on some crazy, unpredictable trip.

I think I'm starting to get on my therapists nerves a little bit too. lol  Now that the new patient/therapist crush is over and we're starting to get down to business, the real work has begun and she's seeing that I can be a little "stuck" sometimes.  She's seeing that I'm stubborn and progress isn't necessarily a breeze for me.  But I like her and we seem to work well together, so I think it will be all-good.

We talked a lot about my fears...because I am chock-full of those...always have been.  And most of them are completely irrational and I'm aware of that, but they still are what they are.  She was trying to figure out how long I've been afraid of things and I couldn't remember...for as long as I can think back.  I told her about the nightly nightmares I had as a child and would wake up scared to death.  We all know about my ridiculous whale phobia I have to this day because of those nightmares.  She asked if I could remember any specific incidents that scared me or made me feel vulnerable and it was hard for me to come up with anything because really EVERYTHING scared me as a kid. 

I came up with one time when I was about four-years-old and we lived on Harvard Ave. and everyone was outside painting the house.  It started pouring down rain and everyone ran in the house.  I was left outside and when I was pounding on the door to be let in, no one could hear me pounding because of the noise inside the house and the rain outside.  I was scared to death because I had been left behind, but also so heartbroken that no one had noticed I was gone.

I was also always VERY afraid at my dad's house.  He scared me, creeped me out.  There were always creepy, weird people at his house too.  I really, really hated it over there and would try to hide as much of the time that I could while I was there.  My step-mom Dodi was my only saving grace anytime I was over there.  She would try to bring me in bed with her and she would read me Bible stories.  She bought me a squirt gun and let me squirt it into the toilet.  She'd even play Barbie's with me and find me old stuffed animals.  That would have been the worst memories of my life had it not been for her and I'm so grateful that she was there to save me from the nightmare that was my father. 

We also talked about missing the girls and how I'm dealing with them being gone.  I miss them terribly and I'm kind of freaking out about being alone, but am also going to enjoy and use this summer for my retreat and healing.  Not only do I need to work on the "tough" stuff, but I need to self-sooth & comfort as well so that we have a balance of good stuff as well as the tough stuff. 

Also, I need to start writing more.  I do.  The thing is, it's not going to be all fun and games.   It's going to be the rough stuff balanced out with the stuff that makes me happy and smile and that feeds my spirit.  I think it's going to be a bit bipolar on here for a while, and that's okay with me.  Whatever works right now so that I can get THROUGH the tunnel.

That means that I may just write little thoughts that come to my mind or that I might post a picture or a song.  It might mean that I need to write out a particular memory from my past so that I can revisit it, feel it, and get it out there so it's very real to me again.  It's hard to heal and move on from something that you've stuff away for so long that it's totally surreal to you now.  It needs dug up again.

So here we go!  Looks like you're going on this journey with me my friends.  Thank you for being supportive and sticking by my side anyways.  I don't want any stopping or slowing down in the progress...I want to get this DONE!  I want to be happy and normal and have a romantic life again! lol  So it's all about business.  Please keep your arms and hands inside the moving car at all times, please keep your seatbelts fastened and enjoy your day here at.... Cedar Poiiiiint!  Oh wait, that was high school... you still get the idea.... hold on tight.  This may get bumpy.  Heeeeere we gooooooo!

xoxo veronica


Dodi said…
as I sit here with tears rolling I want to say "I REALLY wish I could have done more for you" those were the worst days of my life and those people were creepy. I was afraid, scared, and lonely had it not been for you. Glad we had each other. I love you Veronica.