2.28.2010

formspring.me

If you could have any skill in the whole world, what would it be?




To be invisible whenever I want.



Ask me anything!



xoxo
♥ veronica

formspring.me

hey mommy what is it like bloging    emma




fun! :)



Ask me anything!


xoxo
♥ veronica

2.27.2010

"Every f***ing day of my life"

Nothing was on tv, so I decided to see what documentaries HBO has on demand right now.  I love documentaries and can watch them for hours.  Wouldn't you know that there was one on domestic violence?  I stared at the screen for a few moments before pushing play.

There were some opening scenes, and then before the title and credits even rolled, out of the blue, I gasped like the wind got knocked out of me and I began sobbing.  It was short-lived, as it usually is.  I was able to compose myself and watch in silence as scenes that too-closely resemble my former life began to play out in front of my eyes.

This particular film is called "Every f***ing Day of My Life" and is about how a woman spends her last four days of freedom before going to prison for killing her abusive husband.

"Oh my God."

"Oh my God."

"Oh my God."

Not necessarily a statement, but a repetitive prayer that kept moving through my soul like a wave.  An involuntary cry to the only true witness to everything I had gone through.

"Oh. My. God.  That could have been me."

One of the things that got me was when they asked the woman, who's name is Wendy, what made her snap that particular day.  Her answer was, "I don't know."  And she was serious.  She said, "I have no idea, because it could have gone on for another 20 years, or I could have done it 10 years ago.  Every day was the same."

I so understand that.  What saved me from her fate?  I don't know.  There but for the grace of God go I.  I believe I just didn't have it in me to truly hurt him (or anyone), but I'm sure she thought the same thing about herself.  That's why she held on for 20 years.  They kept flashing between videos of her in labor and giving birth years before, to the night before she left for prison, baking cookies for her kids and laying out their clothes.  Oh, how I feel for her.

I know I was afraid to leave because I thought he would kill me or someone I loved, but there were so many times I wished him dead.  Not by my hands, but maybe by a car accident or something.  Heck, even when I found out he was hurting my baby girl I couldn't hurt him.  People ask me all the time, "How could you have not KILLED him???"  I don't know.  I just know that even in the heat of that moment, I couldn't.  The only explanation I have is grace.  I think grace was the solitary thing protecting me from choosing the wrong fork in the road.  I thank God for that.  For His protection.

But what if, just once, I ignored or pushed through the grace and did something really, really bad?  How different would my life be right now?  Oh thank you so much Lord for not letting me have to find out.  I still wonder what will happen when he gets out of prison in a year-and-a-half.  Will he bother us?  What will happen if he does?  Will he hurt us?  Will he act badly enough that I feel the need to defend and protect myself and my children?  Oh, go before me Lord.  I pray all the time that nothing like that happens.  Sometimes the thought of that stresses me out so badly.  My cousin Michelle said, "Veronica, you won't do anything bad.  It's not in you and you are too past all that.  If he ever shows up at your door, you are going to stand firm and assertively say, '[Evil One], you are NOT welcome here and I will not tell you that again.  Now, go away or I am calling the police and this will get ugly.  That is exactly what you know how to do, not hurt him."

That little speech actually helped me a lot because I am the queen of second-guessing myself and everyone around me.  But she's right...that is probably exactly what I would do.  My mind might race a million miles a minute and be prepared to do something else if the situation warrants it, but I will start by being rational and knowing that he cannot and will not get near my children ever again.  I can't deny though, that it's always in the back of my mind how quickly things can change.  I always see stories like Wendy's and wonder how I will spend the rest of my life.  Will my life change that quickly and I'll end up in prison because of a deranged, psychotic, abusive man?

Sometimes I'm so jealous of women who have never had to deal with domestic violence.  What is it like to live inside of skin that has never known physical abuse?  What is it like to be married to a man who has never verbally berated you and insulted you...daily, weekly, monthly, yearly?  What is it like to be cherished and to know your value?  I'm slowly started to learn bits and pieces of that, but it's a long journey.  One foot in front of the other.
xoxo
♥ veronica

Clipart of the day


Random #30
xoxo
♥ veronica

2.25.2010

Spring is springing, even if it's just inside my dining room

I bought myself a basket of tulip bulbs for Valentine's Day.
Tulips are one of my favorite flowers
and I really thought  that since I didn't live back 
east anymore, that I wouldn't get to have them every spring.

BUT, this is a perfect way! :)

AND (!!)
I was hoping they would bloom pink and they DID! :)
BONUS!

They started out as just little bulb sprouts and grew pretty quickly...
here's some pics....






xoxo
♥ veronica

One year ago....



xoxo
♥ veronica

Clipart of the day

Random #174


xoxo
♥ veronica

2.21.2010

Stuck in my head








"Hey, Soul Sister"
by
Train

yet another song that I couldn't stand in the beginning....
and now can't get enough of!


xoxo
♥ veronica

2.20.2010

Clipart of the day


Random #198
xoxo
♥ veronica

How big did you say his.......

Vasopressin Receptor Gene is?

Yeah, I know...
not what you expected you big bunch of perverts.

Right now I'm reading "Committed" by Elizabeth Gilbert.
It's her follow-up to
"Eat Pray Love"
from a few years ago,
which was really good.

This is about what happened after she found love in the first book
and her journey to make peace with marriage.
See, she had gone through a nasty divorce
and had sworn off marriage forever,
but then found herself in a situation where,
thanks to Homeland Security,
she HAS to get married or find her beloved banished from the 
country forever.

Because of this,
she dives into the subject/history/culture of marriage
in order to make heads & tails of it and come to peace with it.

This book has been really good for me so far, let me tell you.
It's covering a lot of the things that I hadn't even thought of,
but yet know now that I had issues with.
And it's given me a lot of peace where I had been feeling guilty
and tormenting myself needlessly.

One of the little tidbits of information though that caught my interest,
was on vasopressin receptor genes.

Do you know that they have now isolated a gene in the male DNA
that they think determines (for the most part) how faithful that man will be?
They studied men who are notorious cads and men who are notorious family men...
and all of the cads are missing the vasopressin receptor gene.

It's like it separates which men are meant to father babies vs. the men who are meant to raise babies.

Now, of course, there are always exceptions to every rule.
Men who are truly great guys can still meet someone who changes everything, etc etc.
Just like there are bad-boys who finally meet that one woman who makes them
want to trade it all in and settle down.
But for the most part,
this test is pretty accurate.
So from now on,
I want a sample of every potential suitor's DNA
so I can see what he's packing!

xoxo
♥ veronica

Clipart of the day

Random #152

So funny...he's my new superhero! lol

xoxo
♥ veronica

2.19.2010

Friday five


  1. Actually ended up having a great week.  Even though I'm a night owl, it's amazing what sleeping at night and getting up & being productive does for my mood.  
  2. I'm not as angry with Collin now.  It was mainly a PMS thing and it's now passed.  It never fails that I fall into the pits of despair when the waves rise.  I feel like no one loves me and everyone has turned their backs on me and then a few days later I'm back to my happy-go-lucky self.  So, it's not like he knows it (because he is still GONE...blah), but he's back to being shamelessly adored now.  And p.s... tomorrow is his birthday and so I'm sending love for him out to the universe.
  3. So as I posted on my twitter...I had the best day EVER this week!  Know why?  Because I got to FILE FOR DIVORCE BABY!!! Yeah yeah get it get it.  I filed on my own without an attorney, so now I have to figure out how to get him served with the papers before the process can actually officially start.  The easy way would be to send them registered mail or something and then turn in the signature receipt.  The problem with that is that I don't want him to have my address and I'm afraid he will be able to see it somehow if I do it that way.  I have to figure out something quick because I want this DONE.
  4. Things are good with Primo.  Kind of.  Everytime I think we're making a little progress, he scrambles back into his hole by the next day.  Really, that's ok with me because it keeps me grounded, but he confuses and frustrates me.  I don't know how to deal with someone like that.  But overall, things are fine.  We've taken the kids out to eat a few times this week and Emma is now BFF's with his daughter.
  5. It's been SO nice not being on the floor at work this week.  This has just reaffirmed to me that I need a less stressful job.  I know I can do my job and I know that I am good at it.  I have saved lives, stopped bleeding, done CPR, etc etc etc.  I have nothing to prove anymore.  What I need now is to not be constantly on-edge everytime I have to be at work because it's always a matter of life and death...literally.  Knowing all I had to do was go to meetings all week wasn't very exciting, but I can feel that my blood pressure is so much lower and my anxiety is better.  A person can only live in a state of higher adrenaline for so long and between my home life and my work life, I've had enough.  The problem is that I keep saying this and yet never do anything about it because I can't find a wal-mart or fast-food position that pays as well as the job I have now. *sigh*  But I'll keep looking!
xoxo
♥ veronica

Stuck in my head










"Put it in a Love Song"
by
Alicia Keys & Beyonce

This song irritated me at first.
I thought it was SO stupid.
Now?
Can't get enough
find myself shaking my bootie to it ALL the time! lol
xoxo
♥ veronica

2.15.2010

Maybe it's just me

I thought these cupcakes were so pretty
(and still do),
but the more I look at them,
the more they look like vagina lips. lol
sorry, had to say it out loud.

xoxo
♥ veronica

Friday (Monday) Five


  1. Got my tax refund.  HALLELUJAH!  I was able to get my bills (aka MOM) paid off and able to get a few extra things that we needed as well.  There's not much that gives me peace like knowing my needs are met financially.  I have had so much stress in my adult life due to lack of money it's ridiculous.  Which, you would think, would make me like a compulsive saver or something...but alas, that hasn't happened.
  2. My little girl is starting to branch out into her own style.  We went to buy Amelia her new bike and I could tell she was struggling big-time with her decision.  She was so torn.  I could tell she wanted to do the "right" thing and get the pink, girlie bike.  She kept trying it out and pretending to like it, but her face just fell flat every time she rode it.  What she loved, was the lime green, boys bike with the pegs and when I said, "you know, you can get the boys bike if you want to"... her face lit up and she was absolutely blissful!  So...she got the boys bike and is thrilled with it and so proud.  I just have to say...I think my girls rock so hard!  I love that they each have such strong personalities.  Although, combined with my strong personality, it can be combustible at times to say the least, but I still love it.  I'm raising some powerful women over here...I just hope they put it all to good use in the world.
  3. Still talking to the guy.  That's about all I can say about it.  Not because I wouldn't if there was something to tell, but because that's about it.  Normally this would be the sort of thing that would drive me crazy because by nature I am a deep person.  I am just able to go there with someone.  But this guy seems to be the antithesis to my personality....which frankly, is precisely what I need right now.  I need friendly, somewhat shallow, adult conversation that just is what it is and is no deeper.  Usually, I would be crushed if a guy seemed not very engaged, but for this moment in time, it's fantastic.  I am enjoying him very much at this point in time.  He's a very nice guy, just different than me.  His reaction to a mention of Valentine's Day?  "Bah humbug."  What did he text me today?  "Happy single people have more fun day."  Yeah.  SO not me.  BUT, the last thing in the world I need to is have anything emotional going on.  To be honest, for the first time in my entire life, I feel like I'M the one who is detached.  Which brings me to....
  4. I have found myself in a real fuck-you-Collin phase.  Don't get me wrong, he is soaked into my cells and is part of my DNA now, but I'm finding myself more than a little pissed off at him.  I don't care anything about doing the right thing, etc.  blah blah blah.  You might be my best friend, but my other friends?  They're still here... and you're NOT.  This guy?  The one who is not all that engaged and I don't have much in common with?  He's nice, but he's not you.  But you know what?  HE'S HERE.  And you're?  NOT.  Fuck you.
  5. Have to get up at 5:30 all week for leadership classes.  Blah.  I predict that won't help any with my cranky phase.
xoxo
♥ veronica

How I spent my Valentine's aka my new camera phone takes crappy pictures!

I know.
You're jealous.
I get it.

xoxo
♥ veronica

2.13.2010

Beautifully sums up my recent life as a drunk dialer










"Need You Now"
by
Lady Antebellum

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin for the phone cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin at all

It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now

And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now

And I don't know how I can do without

I just need you now

I just need you now

Ooo, baby, I need you now

xoxo
♥ veronica

Clipart of the day


Random #181

xoxo
♥ veronica

2.10.2010

Happy Birthday son!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY
to my only son,
whom I love with my whole heart
and then some.

I miss your face!
I am proud of how well you've been doing
&
I am grateful that I get to be your Mom.

Happy 17th Birthday Darren.



xoxo
♥ veronica

2.08.2010

Clipart of the day

 
Random #64
xoxo
♥ veronica

Happy birthday to my Soap!


Happy Birthday to my longest-lasting friend!!!
Allison aka Soap aka Soapie aka My Soapie Soap Soap Soap Soap! :)

I sit here with a heavy heart because you sent me
the most lovely pink flowers for my birthday....
and I can't even afford to buy you a birthday card at this moment. :(

So, I wanted to take a moment to let you know from the bottom of my heart
how very very much you mean to me.

You've known me from the very beginning.
Braces & bad hair days.
Learning how to do our makeup
and dealing with broken hearts.

When I say something about my youth,
you know exactly what I'm talking about.
Not many other people do.
But you were there.

You are faithful, gracious, beautiful, and sweet.
When I think of you,
I think pink & hearts as far as the eye can see....
You are the sugar and spice and everything nice
that wonderful women are made of.

You encourage me to be my best,
but accept me even when I'm at my worst.

I've wrapped my arms around you as you cried,
and I've laughed with you till the wee hours of the morning.
We both have big visions and are big planners...
and when we combine our powers,
we can conquer the world!

Thank you for being you.

I know sometimes you feel that the world has forgotten about you.

I don't know about the rest of the world,
but there will never come a day
or even a solitary moment
that your name is not written on my heart.

You mean the world to me
and I love you friend.

Happy birthday!
May you feel the love I have for you
across all the miles today.

xoxoxo


xoxo
♥ veronica
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