Some other new beginning's end....

In the past few weeks as I (quite unexpectedly) dove back into the dating world, I was painfully reminded of something about myself.

I suck at small-talk. 

Deep, intimate conversation?  Exposing my innards and dirty laundry?  Pshhhh!  EASY!  Talking about the weather and other non-issues with someone I barely know?  I struggle so hard at that!  The anxiety, the wondering if they think you sound stupid, the wondering what their likes are or aren't, etc etc...GAH!

Luckily, this nice surprise and I have logged a little time now and the conversation is coming easier, but it has been quite a bittersweet week for me.  Every new beginning comes from some other new beginning's end and "The End" is one of the most painful phrases in any language.

As most of you know, Collin was (is) my best friend.  Let me clarify, I have several best friends...friends that have been around for years, friends that have been around only a few years, friends that will encourage me to do right and others that will be bad influences on me.  They are all precious to me and they each serve a different purpose in my life.

But Collin was (is) my best friend in every single essence of the word.  He knows every single thing about me...even the scary stuff I won't show to others.  There was absolutely no filter between us.  I've never met anyone who thinks so much like me.  God cut us from the same cloth, using slightly different patterns.  Beyond that, we were in love with each other, which poses a problem because his wife wasn't very happy about that and gave the ultimate ultimatum.  [I just said that out loud on here for the very first time ever.  Even if people knew or assumed, this is the first time I've ever admitted or confirmed.]

I get it.  I do.  On one hand anyways.  On the rational, civilized, evolved, Christian hand.  However, as a human woman-who-got-absolutely-whammied-by-cupid, I have another hand that surprisingly enough is the complete opposite of all of those things.  I believe you can love many different people.  Have many different loves in one lifetime.  Love crashes differently on every shore and each one meets a specific purpose.  But this was different.  I now see what once-in-a-lifetime kind of love looks like.  I won't have that kind again.  Is that because it won't happen?  Or because I will never make myself that available to it again because of the devastation it caused when it went away?  Not sure yet.  I think it's both.

Anyways, the reason I brought this up was because I never, even once, from the moment I met Collin experienced that awkwardness.  The vibe and connection between us was so organic that it flowed as comfortably and effortlessly as a summer breeze.  And I loved the way he would sit quietly next to me while I would (sometimes) ramble on & on.  He had the softest gaze with a delicate smile in his eyes as he listened as if what I were saying were the most important thing he'd ever heard.  I wrote this several months ago:

"I love that he's never impatient with me and doesn't push me, he just quietly lets me make my way to what I really want to say."
And I never had to wonder if he understood....because he did. And he was so present.  When you were in his presence, you knew it.  You felt like the only person he had ever met in his life.  Like you matter.  And now it's gone.  And I'm still struggling to find a new normal.  And now I also have to learn how to make small talk or be alone forever (*jazz hands*).  

Just to Look at You
Bebo Norman
♥ veronica