6.28.2007

Peaks and valleys

Peaks and valleys. These have become my enemies. Just like this pain-in-the-butt ergonomic keyboard of Scott's....I can use it and get along with it, but I really don't like to. It doesn't come natural to me. And peaks and valleys...just like this keyboard have become a constant part of my life lately (since my computer is at best buy getting fixed). The good part is...at least I'll get MY computer (and keyboard) fixed and back to me soon. All I can do is pray about the peaks and valleys.

What I'm talking about is a constant up and down in moods and environment. There's no consistency and I never know what I'm going to face from day to day. I CRAVE consistency. Even-keeled....that's my heart's desire. Just when I think that we're back on track after days and days (ok, weeks) of feeling disconnected....we have two whole days of amazing connectedness and I'm thinking "ok! finally! This is how it's supposed to be!"....then..... nothing. I have to fight back the tears when thinking about it. The next day he just retreats. Checks out. He says nothing's wrong. Which makes me roll my eyes because that's just another example of his dishonesty in this relationship.

It's just so unfair! It's not fair how he is. To take such liberty with other people's lives and emotions and be so consumingly self-centered. Doesn't he realize that his actions affect the both of us?? I have agreed to make my life with HIM. I'm not allowed to look elsewhere for affection or attention....and I don't want to. I want to get it from HIM. I'm not saying that my whole life should be HIM and HE should meet ALL of my needs, etc. It's like having a toothache. You aren't your tooth...you are still an individual person. Your tooth doesn't meet all of your needs and your tooth isn't the only thing that gets your attention. But when there's something not right with your tooth, your whole life is out of kilter. You might even lose sleep because of your tooth. You go try to buy things to take or do to fix your tooth and will even go see a doctor as soon as possible because of your tooth. When things aren't just right between you and your mate your whole life is out of whack. Your heart hurts and something isn't right in your spirit until things get fixed. It affects everything.

I'm not asking for the world. Just some kind of predictability. I can deal with occassional highs and lows....but not every day. Let me know that you're going to love me tomorrow like you loved me today and not wonder if I'm going to get the silent treatment just because the mood strikes. I can't remember the last time I laughed out loud around here simply because I can't relax long enough to find something funny! I'm too busy walking on eggshells to see all the good stuff going on around me. This isn't what I expected and it makes me so sad.

6.25.2007

Let me help you remember


Randy said "you need to stop bad-mouthing me" when confronted about his lack of assisting with bills (100% lacking...hasn't even offered a nickel for months).

I said "what bad-mouthing?"

"I don't know...I can't really come up with anything right now...but I HAVE IT ALL PRINTED OUT....YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT."

"GOOD! Print it out!!! You can't remember what it is?? RANDY DOESN'T PAY HIS BILLS. RANDY IS IRRESPONSIBLE. RANDY DOESN'T DO RIGHT BY HIS KIDS. Any of THAT ring a bell?? I said it and I'll say it again! I STAND BY EVERYTHING THAT I'VE SAID. I'VE SAID NOTHING UNTRUE!!!!"

*cricket, cricket*

yeah, that's what I thought. Not much to say now, is there?

6.20.2007

What's new pussycat?

So many times throughout the day I get inspired to write about something and my mind starts racing with all the details and things I want to say....and then by the time I get around to sitting down to actually write...... *cricket, cricket*. Nothing. The mood has passed. The muse isn't moving anymore and I sit there and think to myself..... "bummer". So I'll just recap the basics of what's been going on lately.

We put the house up for sale Friday. Yes, Randy finally agreed to sell. But staying true to form....he is such a dog. When I had told him that we are selling the house....PERIOD, I also told him that we would have a to-do list to complete. He said, "make the list and we'll split it in half." I'm thinking "FINALLY!! He's finally going to do the right thing." Not. As soon as the papers were signed I told him I would make the list up for him and he said, "I don't want to make any promises...I just don't have the time." D-O-G. So I left him a note on the counter about HIS HALF of the utilities and misc. costs for fixing up the house...since he wasn't participating. What did he do? Tossed the note to the side and walked out. So the next morning I put the note directly under his keys. He took it with him, but I've never heard another word about it, nor have I seen a penny. It's moving way beyond note-time into confrontation-time and I plan to call an attorney this week. Ever the eternal optimist I keep thinking "if he would only do the right thing starting right now, I would forgive him for all the crap he's pulled and all the wrong he's done." Doesn't look like it's ever going to happen. A dog doesn't change it's fur I guess.

Scott has been busting his butt around here painting and repairing, etc. He didn't sleep for literally almost two days because he was so worked up about everything that needed done. Towards the end of his marathon work sprint Randy crawled his lazy butt out of bed and told Scott "I don't know how you do it! I hurt my back at work a little yesterday and just don't feel like doing anything!" Scott said he just stared at him. It's all paying off though. The house is looking pretty good. The problem with this house selling is actually getting people in the front door. I'm the first one to admit that this house has no curb appeal. It's just not a pretty house out front (and I'm in no financial position to fix it either). So we've done the best we can do and mulched the flowerbeds, planted the flowerboxes, etc. But it's like putting lipstick on a pig. It is what it is. But if people actually come IN THE HOUSE, it's a different story. The inside is great. And BIG. Nobody can ever believe how big the rooms are in this place. My bedroom is like 14' x 16.6' or something like that. I'm really going to miss my big bedroom.

I've been pretty depressed all-around about losing this house. I never really stuck that label on it until yesterday when after biting Scott's head off about packing my hairspray I started trying to figure out what was causing this funk I've been in the last few days. I think I'm just starting to mourn the loss of my first home. And it's the home I grew up in on top of that. Not liking that I don't know what's coming my way. Not responding well to the fact that everything in my comfort zone is looking so much different. We had to rent a storage locker to put alot of our stuff in to make it look more "roomy" in here. For someone who hates change as much as I do, I'm not handling it too well. On top of that I have Madelaine aka "little miss questions" in my face all the time with things like "What school will we be going to?", "Where will we live", "Will we still be here on my birthday?", etc. It just adds to the stress. And because of all the work going on around here and the stress, Scott and I feel kind of disconnected right now. Sex? ha! What's that? No date nights. No cuddle time. I just feel like I have another room-mate right now. I have enough room-mates. I need a partner. Ruth Bell Graham (who was an awesome woman...more on that another time!), the wife of Billy Graham died last week. I loved to listen to her talk...she has so much wit and personality. I was watching an interview with her on tv the other day and she was asked "What is the hardest thing about marriage?" And she responded "That it's so daily." Man did that ring true in my ears! It's a constant struggle to feed the beast. To get that perfect mixture of quality time, affection, communication, etc. Even on the days that you want left alone and the only response you can think of to anything that they have to say is "just shut up", you still have to be nice. You can't just go around speaking what you want to speak all the time. You have to think before you speak or act...all the time. And you find yourselves in constant competitions and score-keeping that are just so stupid. Like when I got up to go to the kitchen I touched his shoulder on the way past, but he didn't touch me when he walked past to go to the bathroom...is he mad? Does he have an attitude? Analyze, re-analyze. Who has more covers? Who ate the last of the chips or drank the last of the pop? You've hardly spent any time with me and most of your time on the computer. Oh yeah? Well, you slept too long after work and I had to cook dinner. It just never ends. IT'S SO DAILY. But it's nice too. It's not all bad. I'd rather have someone to be neurotic with than no one at all.

On another note, hopefully I'll know about my new job soon. It had to be posted for two weeks before she could give me the job (which will be this Friday). I will be more than devastated if I don't get it because I've basically already determined that it's mine. lol I'm craving it like a fiend! I have so much trouble even taking myself to my current job for one day, let alone three twelves a week. It's killing me...and my paycheck because I've been using my F.M.L.A. up like crazy and only have like two days left.

So that's it in a nutshell. It's a lovely summer evening right now. We got the girls a pool and have it set up on the back deck because we didn't want to ruin the grass or run the risk of having the dog pop it with his claws. So it's so awesome looking because we have this pool blown up on the back porch and Scott took all the inflatable palm trees from the luau a few years ago and blew them up and put them all around the pool....it's like a little paradise on our back porch. lol I'm gonna miss this house.

6.13.2007

Kickin' it

Allison posed the following:

"Ok, so question….

First: What habits are you brave enough to admit to?

Second: What are some ways that you have found to help overcome bad habits once and for all?

Third:
What are your thoughts regarding this seemingly never-ending life struggle??"

Wow...BIG questions! This is going to take some thought and some time to think about, but let me see what I can come up with.

-Not answering my phone. Jesus would probably get my voicemail if he tried to call me.

-Needing lip balm...ALL the time. I can't stand the feeling of my lips without it. I'm addicted unfortunately.

-Needing lotion....same with the lip balm...I can't stand the feeling of dry skin or feet. It drives me crazy! I'll wake up in the middle of the night to put the stuff on. I keep it right next to my bed.

-Staying awake at night and then napping during the day.

-Eating out instead of cooking.

-Dairy Queen or K-Cream Corner (in Lorain)...although I've gotten MUCH better about how often we go.

-Revealing too much of myself with underserving people.

-Wanting things or people that I can't/shouldn't have.

-Procrastinating

-Not opening my mail. I don't have the money to pay it so I don't want to know what it says. If I got a check in the mail I'd probably never know it unless it came in a cute envelope from someone I know.

-Going to bed with my hair wet. I used to always blow out my hair and now I always feel like my hair is a mess and not styled good and it's because I'm too lazy.

-Not wearing makeup. (Same reason as above)

-Being WAY too nice to people instead of standing up for myself or enforcing what THEY should be doing.

-Letting Darren get away with too much just because I'd rather not deal with his crap or attitude.

-Being too hard on Courtney (sometimes) because I expect more of her.

-Not taking my medications on time. I'm a nurse, I should know better.

-Self diagnosing and treating myself. (See above)

-Letting Scott get away with a 68 instead of a 69.... he always owes me one if you know what I mean.


Ok, that's enough! lol I sound crazy enough now! I have some work to do I guess. What else is new.

How have I dealt with bad habits in my life? Most of the time if it's dealing with someone else, I just tend to get stubborn. I decide what I want and I dig my heels in until I get it. They don't get what they want from me until I get what I want and I don't care if they dont' like me for a little while. I have needs, wants and boundaries too. Second, I pray about them....ALOT. It does help...although not as quickly as I would like! Third, I just tell myself "no" and then just ride through the hard part. It gets easier eventually. Last, with certain situations dealing with people I've just allowed myself to really see the negative about that person instead of ignoring it and only seeing the positive. Unfortunately it has made me a little cynical in certain areas, but it has helped DRAMATICALLY with breaking the habits of people I shouldn't be thinking about. I just ask myself if that's the life I really want to live. Is that how I want to be remembered? For pining after someone who doesn't deserve me, etc. No. It's not. So like it or not I'm going for something different.

There's no easy way or answer...if there were then NO ONE would have any bad habits. It's part of the frustration and also the beauty of being human. Some of my "bad" habits I don't really want to get rid of...they add to my "Veronicaness" (to quote Dupree from "you, me & dupree"). It's the same reason I like to cut my own hair sometimes and just start whacking at the layers and texture....I like it perfectly imperfect. That's usually when I get the most compliments because I actually think people (in their humanness) respond to that. You can spot a mile away when someone is trying to be something they're not and acting "too perfect". They become total posers and that sucks.

6.10.2007

Ten things I learned about myself this week

1. I can't stand selfish people.

2. I can't stand SMOKING even more than I can't stand selfish people (does it really not bother you to smell that bad???).

3.Maybe I DO appreciate some surprises. (Like when I got into my van this morning....you know who you are!)

4. Maybe I'll write a novel.

5.Half of a Tour of Italy fills me up ust fine.

6. Maybe sometimes being straight-forward with someone can yield more results than trying to be nice to them all the time.

7. There's nothing like girlfriends.

8. I really miss having little ones....but maybe not that much.

9. I forgot how much toddlers love to sing made up songs about anything!! ("Shawnda take the milk.......")

10. Most importantly I learned (or rather I was reminded...because I ALREADY KNOW) that WOMEN ARE S-M-A-R-T!!! And it's not that guys are dumb, it's just that they're not nearly as smart as us girls and will NEVER get away with most of what they try to get away with. Why do they even try??? Those ameteurs don't know who they're up against!!
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