Peaks and valleys

Peaks and valleys. These have become my enemies. Just like this pain-in-the-butt ergonomic keyboard of Scott's....I can use it and get along with it, but I really don't like to. It doesn't come natural to me. And peaks and valleys...just like this keyboard have become a constant part of my life lately (since my computer is at best buy getting fixed). The good part is...at least I'll get MY computer (and keyboard) fixed and back to me soon. All I can do is pray about the peaks and valleys.

What I'm talking about is a constant up and down in moods and environment. There's no consistency and I never know what I'm going to face from day to day. I CRAVE consistency. Even-keeled....that's my heart's desire. Just when I think that we're back on track after days and days (ok, weeks) of feeling disconnected....we have two whole days of amazing connectedness and I'm thinking "ok! finally! This is how it's supposed to be!"....then..... nothing. I have to fight back the tears when thinking about it. The next day he just retreats. Checks out. He says nothing's wrong. Which makes me roll my eyes because that's just another example of his dishonesty in this relationship.

It's just so unfair! It's not fair how he is. To take such liberty with other people's lives and emotions and be so consumingly self-centered. Doesn't he realize that his actions affect the both of us?? I have agreed to make my life with HIM. I'm not allowed to look elsewhere for affection or attention....and I don't want to. I want to get it from HIM. I'm not saying that my whole life should be HIM and HE should meet ALL of my needs, etc. It's like having a toothache. You aren't your tooth...you are still an individual person. Your tooth doesn't meet all of your needs and your tooth isn't the only thing that gets your attention. But when there's something not right with your tooth, your whole life is out of kilter. You might even lose sleep because of your tooth. You go try to buy things to take or do to fix your tooth and will even go see a doctor as soon as possible because of your tooth. When things aren't just right between you and your mate your whole life is out of whack. Your heart hurts and something isn't right in your spirit until things get fixed. It affects everything.

I'm not asking for the world. Just some kind of predictability. I can deal with occassional highs and lows....but not every day. Let me know that you're going to love me tomorrow like you loved me today and not wonder if I'm going to get the silent treatment just because the mood strikes. I can't remember the last time I laughed out loud around here simply because I can't relax long enough to find something funny! I'm too busy walking on eggshells to see all the good stuff going on around me. This isn't what I expected and it makes me so sad.


Let me help you remember

Randy said "you need to stop bad-mouthing me" when confronted about his lack of assisting with bills (100% lacking...hasn't even offered a nickel for months).

I said "what bad-mouthing?"

"I don't know...I can't really come up with anything right now...but I HAVE IT ALL PRINTED OUT....YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT."

"GOOD! Print it out!!! You can't remember what it is?? RANDY DOESN'T PAY HIS BILLS. RANDY IS IRRESPONSIBLE. RANDY DOESN'T DO RIGHT BY HIS KIDS. Any of THAT ring a bell?? I said it and I'll say it again! I STAND BY EVERYTHING THAT I'VE SAID. I'VE SAID NOTHING UNTRUE!!!!"

*cricket, cricket*

yeah, that's what I thought. Not much to say now, is there?


Ten things I learned about myself this week

1. I can't stand selfish people.

2. I can't stand SMOKING even more than I can't stand selfish people (does it really not bother you to smell that bad???).

3.Maybe I DO appreciate some surprises. (Like when I got into my van this morning....you know who you are!)

4. Maybe I'll write a novel.

5.Half of a Tour of Italy fills me up ust fine.

6. Maybe sometimes being straight-forward with someone can yield more results than trying to be nice to them all the time.

7. There's nothing like girlfriends.

8. I really miss having little ones....but maybe not that much.

9. I forgot how much toddlers love to sing made up songs about anything!! ("Shawnda take the milk.......")

10. Most importantly I learned (or rather I was reminded...because I ALREADY KNOW) that WOMEN ARE S-M-A-R-T!!! And it's not that guys are dumb, it's just that they're not nearly as smart as us girls and will NEVER get away with most of what they try to get away with. Why do they even try??? Those ameteurs don't know who they're up against!!
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