3.25.2008

Seeking whom I may devour

I went to church tonight and I’m glad I did. God and the whole world knows that I needed it. Before going, Allison heard me blow up at my husband while on the phone with her. In 22 years of friendship I don’t know that she has ever heard me do that until the past 6 months, and now she’s heard me do it more than a few times--I’m just not myself. Or maybe I AM myself--that’s the problem.

On Easter I had put the "Creed" video by the late, great Rich Mullens on one of my blogs and in it they have the fruits of the spirit flash on the screen. While watching it I had a real light-bulb moment. I know that I have been sad, resentful, angry, depressed and withdrawn. I have gained 40 pounds and am not sleeping well. I am not a happy person and feel burdened all the time. While watching that video, the "ah ha!" moment was this: I’ve lost my fruit.

I started praying about this over the last week and asking God to please reveal my heart to me and show me what’s going on. What is the core issue that is causing all of these symptoms. Help change me so that the world can see more of him in me through my fruits. Tonight he started to do that.

In church, the guy speaking said at one point, "you know what? Let’s turn to Galatians 5 and look at the fruits of the spirit for a minute." Inside I smiled and thought "hmm. what a coincidence." Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance. As we read through them all, I realized that the only one I still had was faith. I don’t know that my faith will ever be shaken (although I’m really not asking for a test Lord! PLEASE believe that!).

Then he said to read verse 5:15. "But if you bite and devour one another, take heed that you be not consumed one of another." He talked about when you have someone in your life that you are angry at or constantly bickering with it really starts to take a toll on you, totally consuming you. I’m thinking to myself, "who are YOU telling???" He went on to comment on the "consumed one of another" part. He said, "in what major way will you be consumed? WHAT is it in you that gets consumed? It consumes your FRUIT."

LIGHTBULB!!

Because I have this person *cough man cough* in my life that I have no idea how to deal with and continue to grow more and more and more and more and more (ad nauseum) resentful of him, I have handed over my fruit in a big ol’ basket for the enemy to feast on. And I REALLY don’t like how it feels to not have the fruit of the spirit! I miss my joy. And my peace. And my longsuffering. And my gentleness. And my goodness. I miss it. It had been a part of me for so long (because I was used to abiding in the vine, I got blessed with the fruit), and began to think of it as "me"...but it’s NOT me. It’s HIM. And I have removed myself from the vine so that I can sit here and concentrate on how miserable I am in my personal life. My focus has shifted in such a negative way that as I commented on in my previous blog, I am merely a shell of myself lately. Not only can others see it, but I can see it too. I’m grateful that I have such an almighty, merciful, faithful God that answers my prayers and honors my heart-felt requests to show me my heart. Not because he wants to punish me, but because he misses me too.

So the first step has been taken...I recognized the problem. Now I’m through the second step of having at least partially diagnosed the cause. Now what to do about it? I’m not sure. I’m really not. If anyone has some constructive (and kindly worded lol---remember, I’m not too gentle right now!) advice, I would LOVE to hear it. Please! Aside from leaving him, what can I do about this marriage situation? Counseling has failed miserably (with two pastors and a marriage counselor refusing to treat us after two visits each because my husband is so irrational there was no hope). Reading marriage books together has led to a major blow-up fight 100% of the time because he ends up taking something personally and screaming and yelling at me. Basically, I have to figure out how to live my married life pretending I’m not married....because I have to work on myself, and he won’t be there to help or support. I have to sort of pretend he doesn’t exist if I want to fix myself, because I can’t change him. And he is the source of the problems. (and p.s... don’t you dare come back at me with any psychobabble about how we create our own problems, and he can’t make me feel any way, etc. OH YES HE CAN! I don’t sneak and lie...he does. I don’t sit at home mooching off my wife...he does. ETC.)

Ok, I gotta go cuz I’m getting on my own nerves being so negative! lol Please pray for me! Thanks and love you all.

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