1.18.2006

Joleen's visit

She did come over today with the baby (who has to be one of the most pretty little girls I have ever seen! Aside from mine of course) and the first thing she did when she walked in was grab me and give me a big hug and kiss on the cheek and said "man I have missed you!" Of course that made me tear up and I was determined not to cry so I hugged her back and invited her in and listened to her talk for a while about what's been going on with her. As vocal as I am, when I'm hurt I tend to get very, very quiet. I'm usually not quite sure what I want to say and never want to say something out of hurt that I really don't mean and will later regret. I don't want to look stupid like a big pouty baby. I know that I will start crying as I ALWAYS do when I'm feeling any strong emotion. And mostly I hate to explain myself. I HATE it when I feel pressured to explain or defend my feelings. Feelings are what they are and often people will try to discount someone else's feelings as invalid if they don't agree with them. Well even if she didn't think that I should feel as hurt wouldn't have meant squat to me.... I felt what I felt. So anyways, to make a long story even longer... I clam up when I'm hurt. LOL

Joleen is a chronic, compulsive cleaner and tidier...especially when she's at someone else's house. It's almost like she feels that she has to kind of "earn her keep". She never has felt like she's enough. Her company is more than enough but she always feels like people look down on her like she's a freeloader if she's not doing something for them.... this is especially true when she's nervous or is trying to kiss and make up in some way. This used to REALLY offend me because I interpreted it as she thinks something's wrong with my house and feels the need to clean it. LOL NOT ANYMORE!!! I'm so over that! haha Clean away girlfriend! So after a little while of talking and catching up we go into the kitchen for some coffee and she naturally starts doing any dishes that are sitting there and then washing the already clean counters. Then she changes the trash. I'm thinking, man she must really be sorry because she's working harder than a maid would! LOL And I didn't say a word to her, I just let her work out her nervousness. I didn't even say anything when she disappeared in the middle of a conversation with an empty trash bag and went to the bathrooms and all the bedrooms emptying the trash those rooms too! haha It cracks me up. So then she says... can I make dinner for you guys? hahahahaha I just stared at her for a minute and then said, "but it's only noon." lol She says "I know but I just really want to cook for you... you can heat it back up later. Besides that, I've been waiting for you to really give it to me and you haven't said a word and I'm so touched and grateful." I responded "there's no need to. You already know. And beyond that, so does God and if he feels something needs to be dealt with, he'll deal with it. I'm just glad to have you back. Please don't ever do that to me again." So she cooked us dinner... and then washed all the pots and pans afterwards.

She promised to never go missing in action again. I don't believe her. But that's ok. Just like I know that she cooks and cleans when nervous, I know that when stressed she disappears. I don't have to trust that she won't hurt me again, I just have to trust that if she does my God is strong enough to comfort and heal me when it happens.

I was praying earlier for the words to say to her that would bring her closer to Him. Looks like it turned out that the best thing I could do was not say anything. God used my natural tendency to clam up for his good and he took care of it. Just like I knew he would. He is so faithful and can bring such beauty from ashes. I love my friend. She is beautiful and I wish she could see herself like God sees her. Like I see her.

The last thing she said to me as she was walking out of the door was "are you going to church Sunday morning? Maybe we'll come too." Amen.

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