I think I'll stop, rest here a while....
I'm finally starting to decompress and this is the scary part to me. In the past month when things have been so stressful for me, then the whole breaking up and finding another home thing, it was time to put my game face on. Time to armor up and be strong and stoic. You know, through that whole ordeal, I never cried once. I almost did a few times, but after the initial shock of it, I was totally eyes straight forward, get the job done.
That's easy for me. That whole, chin-up lipstick-on thing. Collin used to say to me, "You don't always have to keep your chin so much higher than your heart, you know." And I don't. Not anymore. But when the times call for it, it's easy for me to slip right back into that zone because that I know how to do.
These past few days though, I can feel myself coming down. Down from the stress, down from the trauma, down from the need for heightened senses and awareness, and that leaves me feeling sad, tearful, shaky, lonely and vulnerable. Now, instead of merely feeling like I'm safe in my new fortress, I'm also realizing that means I'm alone. It leaves the reality of all of the sad things that have happened bouncing around on my heart. It leaves me realizing that once again, I need to leave my stained life soaking in God's grace. It also leaves me less capable of handling new stressors because the armor is off.
Darren is in a bad place lately and to say he is being vile is such an understatement. I have had to delete so many abusive, filthy voicemails and texts that I've considered getting my phone number changed. Changed because of my own son. I even let a few other people listen to one this morning so I can have a witness to the fact that I'm not exaggerating about how nasty he is being. The problem is that a few weeks ago, it would've just rolled off. Today, my heart is broken over it. I am feeling everything like it's in technicolor and that sucks. This I'm not comfortable with or good at doing.
I'm weary. I'm tired from walking. I need a break. I normally don't allow myself that because it feels like a luxury. Isn't that stupid?
"All I Can Say"
The David Crowder Band